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Lost & alone

NAS72884

Hi,

ive just joined the community my 14yr old daughter does not have a diagnosis however the school do believe that there are traits that would indicate that she does.  However Ed psych has recommended not to pursue a diagnosis unless she is asking for it.  

im at a loss of what to do over the last 5 or 6 years she has really struggled and unfortunately this was made worse when her dad and I separated. Unfortunately she was also starting secondary school and we moved house the changes were too much for her and the impact was significant.  As my parents and I have started to identify triggers we have been able to avoid exacerbating difficult situations.  She has made significant progress but the biggest challenge I have is getting her to school, the school has been incredibly supportive but I’m feeling like I’m running out of things to try when she can’t go in.  Sometimes she will give me a reason but other times I get no communication from her at all and you can’t always be sure that what she says is actually what the the real angst.  Although I do have support I feel incredibly alone and don’t know where else to turn, I’ve offered all sorts of options for working with people but she won’t engage.  She has developed a positive relationship with her pupil support worker however she has been off sick and so she has been unable to see/speak to her which I believe is part of the current trigger to avoid school.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, I just need to share with people who might understand. 

Parents

  • Thank for your reply.  It’s comforting to hear that someone else understands.  My emotions are up and down, I get so frustrated because all I want is to help her.  She says that she wants to go but can’t.  Sometimes I’m sympathetic and understanding but when I’m feeling the strain and tired I am not so understanding and question myself whether she is choosing not to go or genuinely can’t. I completely understand the feeling of not coping  and to add to it her 12yr old sister is less than understanding in fact she often winds her up which then ends up in a major fall out, sometimes physical and I’m piggy in the middle. It’s emotionally exhausting.

    I completely understand that feeling of hitting your head off a brick wall with regards to accessing support, I’ve lost count of how many times she agrees to speaking to someone and when the opportunity is there she doesn’t take it.

    Trying to deal with all these things and study for uni must be a real challenge for you, I do sympathise and for your son to be wrestling with his gender must be tough for both of you.

    With regard to it running in families, I do believe that her father is on the spectrum and has never been diagnosed.

  • in reply to NAS72884

    It’s so hard I have tried the hard line of not allowing access to tech and other things, telling him that by law she had to go but it made no difference.  In the earlier days I was so torn about how I should respond and had the school and my parents suggesting what I should do. However making a stand just made things worse she either went completely into herself or became filled with rage which she couldn’t control and when she did calm down she would feel so much guilt but was not able to articulate what it was that was wrong.  We have got past that as I have learned to look for the triggers, read the signs and respond in a more helpful way.

    out of curiosity how did you manage to get him to school? Do you think it’s anxiety that is causing the‘freeze’?  I know with my daughter and myself that it can be so debilitating.

    ive got Facebook, I’ve looked the group up. Thank you for telling me about it.

  • in reply to NAS72884

    Am also wondering why the ed psych doesn't recommend going for a diagnosis? Does your daughter even know it's an option? I believe it should be her choice, not the ed psych's.

Reply Children
  • in reply to NAS66220

    Ed Psych said that she felt given her significant progress and the anxiety that they felt the strategies would be similar whether it be autism or anxiety and they would continue to support her with strategies regardless.  They felt that if my daughter was asking for it then definitely but if it was me wanting to know then they wouldn’t recommend it.

    My daughter has no idea, although very articulate she seems unable to communicate to me what she is feeling or what she thinks is causing it.  Unfortunately she is very good at giving people answers that she thinks they want to hear or that will get them to leave her alone.

    she has had a CAMHS referral and wouldn’t engage, I got her appointment to speak to a councillor but she wouldn’t engage.  The not speaking to anyone is so hard, how am I meant to help if she won’t accept it.

    I feel very conflicted and don’t know what the right thing to do is