Lost & alone

Thank for your reply.  It’s comforting to hear that someone else understands.  My emotions are up and down, I get so frustrated because all I want is to help her.  She says that she wants to go but can’t.  Sometimes I’m sympathetic and understanding but when I’m feeling the strain and tired I am not so understanding and question myself whether she is choosing not to go or genuinely can’t. I completely understand the feeling of not coping  and to add to it her 12yr old sister is less than understanding in fact she often winds her up which then ends up in a major fall out, sometimes physical and I’m piggy in the middle. It’s emotionally exhausting.

I completely understand that feeling of hitting your head off a brick wall with regards to accessing support, I’ve lost count of how many times she agrees to speaking to someone and when the opportunity is there she doesn’t take it.

Trying to deal with all these things and study for uni must be a real challenge for you, I do sympathise and for your son to be wrestling with his gender must be tough for both of you.

With regard to it running in families, I do believe that her father is on the spectrum and has never been diagnosed.

Thank for your reply.  It’s comforting to hear that someone else understands.  My emotions are up and down, I get so frustrated because all I want is to help her.  She says that she wants to go but can’t.  Sometimes I’m sympathetic and understanding but when I’m feeling the strain and tired I am not so understanding and question myself whether she is choosing not to go or genuinely can’t. I completely understand the feeling of not coping  and to add to it her 12yr old sister is less than understanding in fact she often winds her up which then ends up in a major fall out, sometimes physical and I’m piggy in the middle. It’s emotionally exhausting.

I completely understand that feeling of hitting your head off a brick wall with regards to accessing support, I’ve lost count of how many times she agrees to speaking to someone and when the opportunity is there she doesn’t take it.

Trying to deal with all these things and study for uni must be a real challenge for you, I do sympathise and for your son to be wrestling with his gender must be tough for both of you.

With regard to it running in families, I do believe that her father is on the spectrum and has never been diagnosed.

It’s so hard I have tried the hard line of not allowing access to tech and other things, telling him that by law she had to go but it made no difference.  In the earlier days I was so torn about how I should respond and had the school and my parents suggesting what I should do. However making a stand just made things worse she either went completely into herself or became filled with rage which she couldn’t control and when she did calm down she would feel so much guilt but was not able to articulate what it was that was wrong.  We have got past that as I have learned to look for the triggers, read the signs and respond in a more helpful way.

out of curiosity how did you manage to get him to school? Do you think it’s anxiety that is causing the‘freeze’?  I know with my daughter and myself that it can be so debilitating.

ive got Facebook, I’ve looked the group up. Thank you for telling me about it.

NAS72884 said:

Sometimes I’m sympathetic and understanding but when I’m feeling the strain and tired I am not so understanding and question myself whether she is choosing not to go or genuinely can’t.

This! It can be so hard to gauge whether it's genuine or not - I suspect they don't even know it themselves a lot of the time. My son now has this thing where he 'freezes', he says he genuinely can't move. We had an appointment with the pediatrician last week and we mentioned it, so he checked all his reflexes etc and said there was physically nothing wrong with him. I'm sure something is going on when it happens, but I am not convinced he has no control over it. I actually think he sort of capitalises on it. So that's what was going on when I refused to pick him up from school, thinking if I give in now there'll be no end to this.. Afterwards he said it lasted two hours and it was hell (to which I replied 'just as well I didn't come to pick you up because there is no way I would have been able to carry you to the car') and he tried to make me allow him to stay at home 'until it was sorted' (which might take weeks or never happen!) and I said no, I couldn't allow him to stay at home forever just because of something that *might* happen, that he has to deal with it when it happens and where it happens, teachers will make sure he is safe. I suggested he make sure he has one of his fidget within easy reach, in his pocket, and the next day I woke him extra early, so to give him time to 'unfreeze' in case it 'happened' in the morning. I also did something I very very very rarely do, threaten with withdrawal of pocket money (which is really not like me at all) and said he *has* to go to school as it's the law (god knows what will happen when he turns 16). So basically I have acknowledged the problem (I'm calling it a kind of panic attack), and have suggested strategies for dealing with it, talked to his personal support teacher, but am refusing to let him stay at home because of this because I'm not convinced he has no control over it...

Are you on Facebook? There is a group called Parenting Mental Health, I believe it's world-wide so there is *loads* of people on it (mostly mothers) but they're really supportive. It's good to know you're not alone.