Abusive 19 year old

It sounds like there's a LOAD more frustrations under the surface, perhaps?

My son had dyslexia and depression. We went through a period of time where I just contained his anger and frustration which he wasn't allowed to direct Back at his father or in school or in society... they need a safe place to let it out. There's no one else in the entire world who will allow him to be a complete and absolute failure. Just me, and I consider that part of my job description. Ideally, as he matures, he arrives at a place where he knows he can be cruel but choses not to so someday, he's well prepared to be a father/husband himself.  He's 24 now and his father has passed, so things have eased up quite a bit.  He also knows he needs to physically exhaust himself by working out or skateboarding - males can be a bit tribal like that. 

I had no one. And having sensory overload, demands, deadlines, unknown variables, nothing fluid or stable...abandoned by one parent and abused by the other - I had to work all of their qualities fully out of my system on my own!  The world is chaotic and beyond frustrating. Humans are unkind and at best have their own problems to deal with.

It sounds like you could use healing from his father so you're better able to mother him (I don't think it ever ends just changes shape as they grow). It's great he contemplates his words/actions and apologises.

Maybe don't help when he's in a moment, let him sort it. Maybe send a fun/funny text from another room your your bit-emoji (if you have one) and let him know you're available IF he needs you. I often think of small ways of making my sons daily life a little more fluid. Tiny things. Vintage light bulbs for his room, a cup of tea, accidentally hoovering his room with a sorry/not sorry text. Or just one simple phrase of How can I Help. Years ago, I learned that "Luck favours the Prepared". And thus, try to trouble shoot problems before they happen. This is a motto both my son and I continue to research... 

Of course throwing needs to stop. He could end up in jail, he could end up in the wrong fight. Hopefully no one else in your household does that. Kids always learn top down, so if you can identify where he learned this was suitable behaviour, it's good to have a discussion about this when he's in a better mood. Maybe he needs a boxing club?

Also worth a scheduled discussion: He definitely needs to learn to EXIT a frustrating situation before it gets out of hand and you may need to reinforce this, especially by never pushing him to engage when he is beyond his limit. Ideally, he verbally conveys he's hit a limit and says he'll be back. And then just goes for a walk/run to re-direct the biological adrenaline rush. 

Verbally, perhaps it's time he learned new clever ways to get angry over the next 5 years (give it time)? I would make a game out of it or make it a dinner discussion. Break out a dictionary, go online, youtube how comedians go off? Creating an acceptable way of growing and becoming better humans, especially if you can laugh through it, strengthens your bond. Of course there is very little that can destroy the mother-son relationship. x

There probably is more frustrations. But to be honest he doesn't do much to help himself. We've suggested he goes to his room or for a walk to calm down but he chooses not to. He refuses to go to councilling. At the moment its like he chooses material things over his family. 

There probably is more frustrations. But to be honest he doesn't do much to help himself. We've suggested he goes to his room or for a walk to calm down but he chooses not to. He refuses to go to councilling. At the moment its like he chooses material things over his family.