Advice - my daughter may have autism/adhd

Hi Steph,

I was a very angry autistic child too, and often resorted to violence. Speaking as an autistic adult who is no longer violent at all, but remembers the feelings and reasonings why I was like this as a child, I will explain as best I can.

It is less "not getting her own way" and more "this isn't going as she expected it would". Like many kids, she couldn't understand why the controllers weren't charged when she wanted to use them. But as an autistic child, this disrupted how she thought she was going to spend her time. It knocked her off-kilter. That can indeed cause meltdowns because it feels so overwhelming and upsetting.

When you don't have the vocabulary to explain why you're feeling overwhelmed, or even what overwhelm is, sometimes hitting and throwing things is all you have. This isn't to say this is the correct and most productive way to behave, and there will be ways that perhaps an autism-centric behavioural therapist can advise you on.

I did grow out of it and found different ways to manage my anger. But I do remember certain things my mother did that helped the process. Primarily she would sit me down, after my meltdown, and help give me language to explain what was wrong. She would ask what was wrong, what had led up to me doing what I did, and why. She would help me understand better ways, and in turn she would also understand what was wrong, and enable me to navigate my meltdown triggers.

In this way, she helped me gain a good idea of what was going on inside me before meltdowns occur. Now, when I feel overwhelmed over seemingly small things disrupting my daily rhythm, I still feel a rise of anxiety and, consequently, anger. But instead of lashing out, I will step back, breathe, and exercise some better techniques instead. It's partially something all kids need to learn (and some don't ever!) and partially something that will need to be treated carefully, because certain things just won't work for autistic kids (eg. getting angry back will often just make things worse.)

So, in summary, she's not acting up because she's not getting her way. She's acting this way because she feels she does not have any other tools at her disposal. You can't change her triggers, but you can help her manage the emotions that come from them by helping her to understand them. Also, remember that progress isn't always linear

Emmy

Hi Emmy,

Thank you for your response you have put into context exactly how my daughter feels and I only want to do whats best for her and help her in the best way we can. 

She is able to explain how she feels to some degree she can say she's angry, sad etc and is able to tell us why...but can't explain why she reacts in such a way... We try to ask her but she cannot tell us. I know she's only 4 but I would like to be able to help her explain or to find different ways of expressing her anger. I suppose this will come with time and her getting older.

She reacts so quickly about things not going to plan or how she imagined they would go. Any ideas of how to get her to not be so angry? 

Thanks for your input so far

I don't think you can get her to not be angry any more than you can get yourself to not be angry when something angers you. Emotions arise naturally and pass naturally, and her anger is part of her trying to get her needs met. But you can help her learn new ways to express and manage her anger, such as using her voice, or if she is non-verbal, making a sign with her hands or other limbs.

With her being so young, it can be hard to know what will trigger a meltdown. You'll get better intuitively at noticing her triggers and navigating them. Break changes to plans with her slowly and carefully and calmly. Using the Nintendo Switch controllers as an example, you could calmly tell her: "These will finish charging in __ hours, and then we can play some ____. Would you like to ____ in the meantime?" Maybe throw in something about her favourite characters needing a little bit more sleep before they're ready to play, if she's the type of child to like that sort of speech.

As you say, it can be difficult to know why she reacts in this way with her being very young. I doubt I would have known when I was 4, either. I think perhaps it comes with not knowing your actions will have consequences yet.

How do you react when she is having a meltdown? A lot of the time, being spoken to, asked questions, or touched while experiencing a meltdown can make matters much worse, as the sensory aspect can make an already overwhelming experience even more overpowering, which can then lead to more lashing out. I understand the desire to comfort her or to stop her from breaking things or hurting you and your partner, but would suggest not physically engaging with her too much unless she is endangering herself.

I dislike being compared to animals by other people, but one of the best comparisons I can think of for my own autistic anger would be a cornered cat. When a cat is overwhelmed, it will first swish its tail. If you keep petting, it might put its ears back, hiss, or growl. After that it may simply bite or scratch you. It has no other route at that point, because you haven't been able to take in its warning signs.

You're right, a lot of it will come with time and getting older, yes! Do still keep trying to engage her when she's recovered. It will give her a sense that you care, as well as help her to grow her emotional intelligence. It's important to let her know as she gets older that it is OKAY to be angry. Let her have specific places (perhaps her room?) where she can go to be angry alone, and then she can come talk to you when she is ready. Being angry is natural, and it lets us know when something isn't quite right for us. Its how we respond to our anger that is important.

I hope this all makes sense. I hope things get easier for you, as I am sure they will.

Hi,

You're completely right, myself and my husband feel the same after a meltdown has occurred. We are still processing what has happened when my daughter is happily talking about her dinosaurs or what a character from YouTube has done! You just need to move on, you're right. We try to get her to recognise what has happened but most of the time it doesn't happen so we just carry on till the next one. 

Yes a trampoline was a great investment for us too our daughter has so much energy from 6 in the morning till 8 at night so this is a great way of relieving her energy and to also save our sofa aswell haha  

Hi Steph,

I was nodding my head there, when you said about after the meltdown when you try to discuss it with your daughter and she often talks about something unrelated or from the past - my daughter does this too! It seems like denial of what just happened and I remember reading that they can feel embarrassed by the emotions of a meltdown and the things they do (my daughter used to hit herself). But I have also come to realise that a big part of it is not being able to find the words to describe how they are feeling, why they feel it and why the act the way they do. It often results in my little girl getting really agitated with me. So, my advice is to pick your battles. If you suspect something has happened that needs a discussion then you may have to find roundabout ways of asking. Like indirectly and when she isn't upset. As emotion can completely overwhelm them at the time which clouds their ability to think straight - and I think I understand this because I am the same too! But if it's been a sensory issue or another trigger that you have noticed annoys her, then maybe let it go for now. There will be many more meltdowns before you can work out all the different triggers or things that build up to upset her and until you can build up a general picture of these things - she might not be able to communicate with you what her needs are. I imagine this would be very upsetting for them and so sometimes comfort is the best answer.

I remember my husband and I used to be the ones left deflated and emotionally drained after a meltdown - while my daughter would be completely fine after. So once it's done, it's over with and sometimes it's best to move on like nothing happened so they don't feel shamed or awkward or misunderstood. When I realised this I started to act like they didn't matter, it was no big deal and honestly it helped. If she saw us panicking or causing a fuss she got worse. In saying this, she still has issues discussing what happened after and seems to forget so I know when to drop it and move on.

Oh and a trampoline is a great idea! We bought one after she repeatedly jumped on our sofa! ;)

Hope this helps! ;o)

Hi Emmy,

Well thankyou for saying that ;) She is such an amazing little girl and enriches my life so much that I owe it to her to make her as happy and supported as I can because she truly deserves nothing short of that! ;) You've clearly grown up to be a very knowledgeable, sensible and thoughtful person and I only wish that for my little girl too. :0))

Hello,

Thank you for your message, once again I have been overwhelmed by the support that people on here have been giving and the advice has been great to take on board.

I love the idea of giving her the time to have her meltdown and letting her know that I will be back to give her a hug. I usually do give her hugs and kisses after but I don't tell her this before, which i think may help her to know i care.

Its true that its like a light switch in that once a meltdown has happened its like its never happened. We try and talk about it after but my daughter will refer to things that might have happened weeks ago or not what is relevant to the situation. This is where we struggle to get to the root of whats wrong. She will blame her sister for example even though her sister will have nothing to do with the anger or meltdown

We have noticed that she needs to be occupied most of the day and boredom can lead to disregulated behaviour. We try to give her things that will stimulate her such as paly doh, sand and her dinosaurs or sea creatures which she loves.

I will try your suggestions of the emotion books and cosmicyoga. She loves music and dancing so I will try these as a way of reducing her anxiety. We have also recently got her a small trampoline so she can use to help her. 

Thanks again 

Steph 

This is such an encouraging message to read :) Its clear you're doing the very best for your daughter. I was exactly like her when I was little!

Hi there,

I agree with everything Emmy said - she is bang on with her advice!

My daughter is approaching 6 and she went through the huge 2 hour long meltdowns between ages 2 - 4. Thankfully they are getting much shorter and less frequent now. I especially agree with the giving your daughter some space -  this is essential. I noticed things used to get completely out of control when anyone said things while she was in meltdown, or tried to restrain her if she was kicking out. All she needed was the space to safely have her meltdown, instead of people trying to contain her and stop it. Once it begins it has to happen, there's no supressing it. We used to quietly place pillows all around her as she used to throw herself backwards and hit her head off the wooden floor. And we removed any ornaments/breakables that could be knocked over in the process which would stress her out more as this wasn't her intention - to damage things. Then we used to walk away, as much as it went against our instincts, we would say, I'm going to give you some time to yourself to calm down and when you are ready. I will come back for a hug. When she was really young, I just sat quietly in the corner not looking at her so she knew I was there but I wasn't 'interrupting' her meltdown. I used to step in when the screaming rage stopped - I knew that was the only time that she would listen to me and we could be able to give her a cuddle. Then afterwards she would act like nothing ever happened, like a switch was flipped. And that was the time to discuss what happened and why, only when her frame of mind was relaxed and probably exhausted! Physical touch and hugs and no words, just soothing 'shhh' sounds used to work on my daughter when she needed consoling, but only after the anger had gone. Now, her meltdowns don't last long at all, she corrects herself and can be reasoned with more, now that she's a bit older. But I know what it feels like to think it will never calm down, but hopefully in time, with age, it will. My daughter still screams at the top of her voice if her anger is present and we find that sending her to her room helps. She gets annoyed at being sent away from us, but then she has a few minutes to regulate in a room that she loves and feels calm without distractions of noise, t.v, dinner smells etc, all which could be overwhelming. I go and retrieve her after a few minutes and we discuss what happened - sometimes its like she just saw red and isn't always able to remember why she was so angry - but we always talk about it regardless. Also, trying to get to the root of the anger is important, rather than - how do we deal with the meltdowns - what is causing them in the first place? A course on autism once talked about an anxiety scale of 1 to 10. So something happens to annoy the child like a weird smell and their anxiety goes up to 2. But they are calm. Then there's a repetitive noise that is hurting their ears, so it goes up to 5. They start to get agitated and snappy. Then someone takes a toy they were playing with, it goes up to 7. Ands then something like the controller not being charged pushes them to 10 - which is meltdown mode. And so the adult doesn't see all the anxieties that lead to that meltdown - they just see what seems like an incredible over-reaction to something really silly - like the remotes not being charged. I found it really helpful to think of the scale when I was trying to predict when a meltdown could happen. Over time I saw triggers and could steer her away from getting over anxious. I think it definitely helped. Other things that really help are keeping her busy - if she's bored it can escalate quickly. Sensory play with 'calm down' toys (squeezy, squidgy, spikey, light up toys) can help reduce anxiety but wouldn't help when the meltdown is happening. Also slimes, clay, playdoh can work out tension. An exercise ball is a fantastic thing for a physical output- which my daughter definitely needs. She will just lie on it, press herself against it, roll on it and punch it (instead of us!) I think the key is trying techniques to stop the anxiety getting to that high level (10) and in time the meltdowns should reduce. Also I find that meditation techniques relax her, like playing space music (youtube) and deep breathing with a cooling eyemask on does wonders for her calmness. Also cosmicyoga on youtube is fantastic if you haven't tried it yet. And just dancing in general - the power of music. Also a microphone so she can sing (very loudly) which relieves stress! I also have bought some good story books on emotions (amazon) which let kids know how they are feeling is normal. They need their feelings validated. Everyone gets angry and that's fine, it's not for us to decide if their reaction is unfounded or not. But it's how they manage the anger that is the issue. And finally, mindfulness! If you can set aside some time to do mindfulness activities - a scavenger hunt outside, bug hunting, looking at nature and making pictures from things you find outside and also talking about mindfulness - there's tonnes of stuff out there to explore including some really lovely books (amazon) which can help kids to reflect and think calmly - it actually helps me too!

Phew! Sorry about the long post - I hope some of it will help you! ;)

Hi there,

I agree with everything Emmy said - she is bang on with her advice!

My daughter is approaching 6 and she went through the huge 2 hour long meltdowns between ages 2 - 4. Thankfully they are getting much shorter and less frequent now. I especially agree with the giving your daughter some space -  this is essential. I noticed things used to get completely out of control when anyone said things while she was in meltdown, or tried to restrain her if she was kicking out. All she needed was the space to safely have her meltdown, instead of people trying to contain her and stop it. Once it begins it has to happen, there's no supressing it. We used to quietly place pillows all around her as she used to throw herself backwards and hit her head off the wooden floor. And we removed any ornaments/breakables that could be knocked over in the process which would stress her out more as this wasn't her intention - to damage things. Then we used to walk away, as much as it went against our instincts, we would say, I'm going to give you some time to yourself to calm down and when you are ready. I will come back for a hug. When she was really young, I just sat quietly in the corner not looking at her so she knew I was there but I wasn't 'interrupting' her meltdown. I used to step in when the screaming rage stopped - I knew that was the only time that she would listen to me and we could be able to give her a cuddle. Then afterwards she would act like nothing ever happened, like a switch was flipped. And that was the time to discuss what happened and why, only when her frame of mind was relaxed and probably exhausted! Physical touch and hugs and no words, just soothing 'shhh' sounds used to work on my daughter when she needed consoling, but only after the anger had gone. Now, her meltdowns don't last long at all, she corrects herself and can be reasoned with more, now that she's a bit older. But I know what it feels like to think it will never calm down, but hopefully in time, with age, it will. My daughter still screams at the top of her voice if her anger is present and we find that sending her to her room helps. She gets annoyed at being sent away from us, but then she has a few minutes to regulate in a room that she loves and feels calm without distractions of noise, t.v, dinner smells etc, all which could be overwhelming. I go and retrieve her after a few minutes and we discuss what happened - sometimes its like she just saw red and isn't always able to remember why she was so angry - but we always talk about it regardless. Also, trying to get to the root of the anger is important, rather than - how do we deal with the meltdowns - what is causing them in the first place? A course on autism once talked about an anxiety scale of 1 to 10. So something happens to annoy the child like a weird smell and their anxiety goes up to 2. But they are calm. Then there's a repetitive noise that is hurting their ears, so it goes up to 5. They start to get agitated and snappy. Then someone takes a toy they were playing with, it goes up to 7. Ands then something like the controller not being charged pushes them to 10 - which is meltdown mode. And so the adult doesn't see all the anxieties that lead to that meltdown - they just see what seems like an incredible over-reaction to something really silly - like the remotes not being charged. I found it really helpful to think of the scale when I was trying to predict when a meltdown could happen. Over time I saw triggers and could steer her away from getting over anxious. I think it definitely helped. Other things that really help are keeping her busy - if she's bored it can escalate quickly. Sensory play with 'calm down' toys (squeezy, squidgy, spikey, light up toys) can help reduce anxiety but wouldn't help when the meltdown is happening. Also slimes, clay, playdoh can work out tension. An exercise ball is a fantastic thing for a physical output- which my daughter definitely needs. She will just lie on it, press herself against it, roll on it and punch it (instead of us!) I think the key is trying techniques to stop the anxiety getting to that high level (10) and in time the meltdowns should reduce. Also I find that meditation techniques relax her, like playing space music (youtube) and deep breathing with a cooling eyemask on does wonders for her calmness. Also cosmicyoga on youtube is fantastic if you haven't tried it yet. And just dancing in general - the power of music. Also a microphone so she can sing (very loudly) which relieves stress! I also have bought some good story books on emotions (amazon) which let kids know how they are feeling is normal. They need their feelings validated. Everyone gets angry and that's fine, it's not for us to decide if their reaction is unfounded or not. But it's how they manage the anger that is the issue. And finally, mindfulness! If you can set aside some time to do mindfulness activities - a scavenger hunt outside, bug hunting, looking at nature and making pictures from things you find outside and also talking about mindfulness - there's tonnes of stuff out there to explore including some really lovely books (amazon) which can help kids to reflect and think calmly - it actually helps me too!

Phew! Sorry about the long post - I hope some of it will help you! ;)

Hi,

You're completely right, myself and my husband feel the same after a meltdown has occurred. We are still processing what has happened when my daughter is happily talking about her dinosaurs or what a character from YouTube has done! You just need to move on, you're right. We try to get her to recognise what has happened but most of the time it doesn't happen so we just carry on till the next one. 

Yes a trampoline was a great investment for us too our daughter has so much energy from 6 in the morning till 8 at night so this is a great way of relieving her energy and to also save our sofa aswell haha  

Hi Steph,

I was nodding my head there, when you said about after the meltdown when you try to discuss it with your daughter and she often talks about something unrelated or from the past - my daughter does this too! It seems like denial of what just happened and I remember reading that they can feel embarrassed by the emotions of a meltdown and the things they do (my daughter used to hit herself). But I have also come to realise that a big part of it is not being able to find the words to describe how they are feeling, why they feel it and why the act the way they do. It often results in my little girl getting really agitated with me. So, my advice is to pick your battles. If you suspect something has happened that needs a discussion then you may have to find roundabout ways of asking. Like indirectly and when she isn't upset. As emotion can completely overwhelm them at the time which clouds their ability to think straight - and I think I understand this because I am the same too! But if it's been a sensory issue or another trigger that you have noticed annoys her, then maybe let it go for now. There will be many more meltdowns before you can work out all the different triggers or things that build up to upset her and until you can build up a general picture of these things - she might not be able to communicate with you what her needs are. I imagine this would be very upsetting for them and so sometimes comfort is the best answer.

I remember my husband and I used to be the ones left deflated and emotionally drained after a meltdown - while my daughter would be completely fine after. So once it's done, it's over with and sometimes it's best to move on like nothing happened so they don't feel shamed or awkward or misunderstood. When I realised this I started to act like they didn't matter, it was no big deal and honestly it helped. If she saw us panicking or causing a fuss she got worse. In saying this, she still has issues discussing what happened after and seems to forget so I know when to drop it and move on.

Oh and a trampoline is a great idea! We bought one after she repeatedly jumped on our sofa! ;)

Hope this helps! ;o)

Hi Emmy,

Well thankyou for saying that ;) She is such an amazing little girl and enriches my life so much that I owe it to her to make her as happy and supported as I can because she truly deserves nothing short of that! ;) You've clearly grown up to be a very knowledgeable, sensible and thoughtful person and I only wish that for my little girl too. :0))

Hello,

Thank you for your message, once again I have been overwhelmed by the support that people on here have been giving and the advice has been great to take on board.

I love the idea of giving her the time to have her meltdown and letting her know that I will be back to give her a hug. I usually do give her hugs and kisses after but I don't tell her this before, which i think may help her to know i care.

Its true that its like a light switch in that once a meltdown has happened its like its never happened. We try and talk about it after but my daughter will refer to things that might have happened weeks ago or not what is relevant to the situation. This is where we struggle to get to the root of whats wrong. She will blame her sister for example even though her sister will have nothing to do with the anger or meltdown

We have noticed that she needs to be occupied most of the day and boredom can lead to disregulated behaviour. We try to give her things that will stimulate her such as paly doh, sand and her dinosaurs or sea creatures which she loves.

I will try your suggestions of the emotion books and cosmicyoga. She loves music and dancing so I will try these as a way of reducing her anxiety. We have also recently got her a small trampoline so she can use to help her. 

Thanks again 

Steph 

This is such an encouraging message to read :) Its clear you're doing the very best for your daughter. I was exactly like her when I was little!