Advice - my daughter may have autism/adhd

Hi Steph,

I was a very angry autistic child too, and often resorted to violence. Speaking as an autistic adult who is no longer violent at all, but remembers the feelings and reasonings why I was like this as a child, I will explain as best I can.

It is less "not getting her own way" and more "this isn't going as she expected it would". Like many kids, she couldn't understand why the controllers weren't charged when she wanted to use them. But as an autistic child, this disrupted how she thought she was going to spend her time. It knocked her off-kilter. That can indeed cause meltdowns because it feels so overwhelming and upsetting.

When you don't have the vocabulary to explain why you're feeling overwhelmed, or even what overwhelm is, sometimes hitting and throwing things is all you have. This isn't to say this is the correct and most productive way to behave, and there will be ways that perhaps an autism-centric behavioural therapist can advise you on.

I did grow out of it and found different ways to manage my anger. But I do remember certain things my mother did that helped the process. Primarily she would sit me down, after my meltdown, and help give me language to explain what was wrong. She would ask what was wrong, what had led up to me doing what I did, and why. She would help me understand better ways, and in turn she would also understand what was wrong, and enable me to navigate my meltdown triggers.

In this way, she helped me gain a good idea of what was going on inside me before meltdowns occur. Now, when I feel overwhelmed over seemingly small things disrupting my daily rhythm, I still feel a rise of anxiety and, consequently, anger. But instead of lashing out, I will step back, breathe, and exercise some better techniques instead. It's partially something all kids need to learn (and some don't ever!) and partially something that will need to be treated carefully, because certain things just won't work for autistic kids (eg. getting angry back will often just make things worse.)

So, in summary, she's not acting up because she's not getting her way. She's acting this way because she feels she does not have any other tools at her disposal. You can't change her triggers, but you can help her manage the emotions that come from them by helping her to understand them. Also, remember that progress isn't always linear

Emmy

Hi Steph,

I was a very angry autistic child too, and often resorted to violence. Speaking as an autistic adult who is no longer violent at all, but remembers the feelings and reasonings why I was like this as a child, I will explain as best I can.

It is less "not getting her own way" and more "this isn't going as she expected it would". Like many kids, she couldn't understand why the controllers weren't charged when she wanted to use them. But as an autistic child, this disrupted how she thought she was going to spend her time. It knocked her off-kilter. That can indeed cause meltdowns because it feels so overwhelming and upsetting.

When you don't have the vocabulary to explain why you're feeling overwhelmed, or even what overwhelm is, sometimes hitting and throwing things is all you have. This isn't to say this is the correct and most productive way to behave, and there will be ways that perhaps an autism-centric behavioural therapist can advise you on.

I did grow out of it and found different ways to manage my anger. But I do remember certain things my mother did that helped the process. Primarily she would sit me down, after my meltdown, and help give me language to explain what was wrong. She would ask what was wrong, what had led up to me doing what I did, and why. She would help me understand better ways, and in turn she would also understand what was wrong, and enable me to navigate my meltdown triggers.

In this way, she helped me gain a good idea of what was going on inside me before meltdowns occur. Now, when I feel overwhelmed over seemingly small things disrupting my daily rhythm, I still feel a rise of anxiety and, consequently, anger. But instead of lashing out, I will step back, breathe, and exercise some better techniques instead. It's partially something all kids need to learn (and some don't ever!) and partially something that will need to be treated carefully, because certain things just won't work for autistic kids (eg. getting angry back will often just make things worse.)

So, in summary, she's not acting up because she's not getting her way. She's acting this way because she feels she does not have any other tools at her disposal. You can't change her triggers, but you can help her manage the emotions that come from them by helping her to understand them. Also, remember that progress isn't always linear

Emmy

Hi Emmy,

Thank you for your response you have put into context exactly how my daughter feels and I only want to do whats best for her and help her in the best way we can. 

She is able to explain how she feels to some degree she can say she's angry, sad etc and is able to tell us why...but can't explain why she reacts in such a way... We try to ask her but she cannot tell us. I know she's only 4 but I would like to be able to help her explain or to find different ways of expressing her anger. I suppose this will come with time and her getting older.

She reacts so quickly about things not going to plan or how she imagined they would go. Any ideas of how to get her to not be so angry? 

Thanks for your input so far