First time Post. Desperate dad

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

Remember to give and take solace and comfort in a loving cuddle with your partner. 

Don't EVER let her know you're feeling ready to give up. You may end up losing her forever.

It really is so difficult. So much more difficult to do, than say but... If you and your partner can keep supporting each other, like A frames, and show your daughter that you love her, accept her. Without seeming to be ganging up on her. Then you have a really good chance of having a wonderful relationship with her later on. 

It's important to a teenage girl to feel that her "terms" are given suitable consideration. She's seeking to assert her own power, but is unsure how to go about it. Many popular female icons are a product of conglomerate profit minded corporations, and always have been (think Judy Garland). So they're unreliable. 

Listen to her. If she doesn't want to talk, blather on about nonsense and talk about details in your surroundings. She'll roll her eyes, you'll feel stoopid, she'll relax and see you as less threatening. Praise her achievements, keep it sincere though. Share your own delights with her, even if she rolls her eyes - it's what teenage girls do.

She's changing. She's confused. You've been there. As much as she seems to resist your help, she really needs (and secretly wants) it. 

Or... 

Maybe, you could try a befriending charity. Or family mediation? If you haven't tried it already, An impartial 3rd party might be worth a go.

But please, PLEASE, never let her know that you're ready to give up on her. I know you're hurting, but I also know you don't want to hurt her. 

Hi thanks for replying. After the big conflict last night I have only had about 4 hours sleep but as soon  as I woke I checked my phone for replies and I'm pleased to see some! I shall re read your advice with my partner. Mosty I have taken on board what you said about keeping the giving up thoughts private. Rest assured I was going to anyway but it is very important I think to remember that because in the heat of a firey argument its possible to say the wrong things. This is another major frustration for us. We have to plan a lot of what we say to her as she is super sensitive but she gets to say anything she feels and we have to just be like a sponge and accept it. I take on board a lot of what you say that she is scared and secretly needing us. Its out main motivation to prepare her for adult life and there are positives too in recent weeks. She has been keen to learn some cooking skills and has been both pushing me to plan meals she can help me cook. Those cooking sessions have also been very successful and I couldn't be happier at the progress there. But that does bring me to another major problem, the subject of praise. One significant trait of hers is she abhors praise. From a teacher its fine but the recognition and attention from us is rejected. She is a very talented musician and will often compose a piece of music that blows us away and then plays it for us and we laugh because we cannot even comment "that was good'. So we can only say something banal like 'I observed your new composition'. Seriously! Out autistic daughter is transforming us into something non human! So yes I agree the praise for successes is very important but we have to be careful how we deliver it. Usually just extremely understated. 

As I said I shall go through your ideas and comments with my wife as there's new ideas and thoughts and I really am grateful you took your time to write. 

Praise can make one feel too vulnerable. From parents it can feel intimate. My father, instead of saying "Wow, that was amazing!" would exchange amazing for 'terrible' or 'awful' but with the same enthusiasm and rigor - he might smile and perform a silly walk so we knew what he meant. It made it more comfortable. With my own son, eventually I had to joke about not taking away my purpose in life (that of being his mum and thinking he's pure joy). I will be forthright about being biased and take my wee moment of comedy and production to 'publicly' announce how great whatever it was he did was (as if I were a rather unfortunate actor in a play going very downhill). I'll also use my fathers tricks.

I think this can be normal for all kids even the most loved.

As for the space, It sounds like a lot of what's happening is she has grown into enjoying being with her self, and loves her space. This is monumental in a time where most teenage girls are self-harming and cannot deal with feeling 'alone'. 

I work in music and write myself. I can tell you that the only way to be successful is Uninterrupted Time. In exchange for her phone and social media, you could make a contract to block out time where you agree to not interrupt - allow her to create. Time is Resource musicians and composers "mine". Without that she won't succeed. For me, it is also a type of stimming. It is incredibly repetitive and as such, also something which calms anxiety and brings a working wage. 

Piano guy said:

We have to plan a lot of what we say to her as she is super sensitive but she gets to say anything she feels and we have to just be like a sponge and accept it.

And I'm afraid, it's: Yes. Yes we do. We contain their emotions and feelings and frustration, not the other way around. I am the adult, the gatekeeper, the dungeon master... in charge of the nursery, the seedlings, with the tools, the rule books, keeping the greenhouse, making sure the organic material is allowed to move about and grow and thrive and become. My grandparents were married almost as long as the queen and loved each other till death. Here's what they taught me: Parents are a team and each others FIRST priority above the children. The Children are that Teams responsibility. Whatever it takes to care for and aid their success in life. Never ever ever get offended. The moment we take offence to our children we become their competition not their care-givers. And the competition's Role is to dominate and destroy the other. You cannot be both Mentor and Competitor. They have opposing jobs. I am not on the same level as my son, he will never be my friend, But I teach him Respect by giving it to him, I teach him patience by being available to contain whatever he's going through, I teach him kindness by holding standards and reasonable expectations and allowing him to fail without judgement, but compassion - but helping him meet them. Regardless of age, we all need mentors and parents. The moment a parent relinquishes their Role and Responsibilities it can create a type of recklessness in the child as their world is no longer safe, even if symbolic. It is of great consequence parents take their title to the grave. 

In the animal and other organic life kingdom some children destroy their parents to flourish. Parents should work on themselves however they can (time and resources permitting) so they have the strength emotionally and psychologically for whatever is thrown their way. You will always be the wiser, best to become the counsel they actively seek. 

If you do so, you wont be working out secretly how to communicate due to eggshells and fear (which she can sense but probably cannot identify, therefore you might not feel 'safe') but because thought-full words which convey kindness with expectations are the Sages rule. 

She won't really be ready for Adult life till she's 30. I've allowed my son to grow at his pace. In some ways he far more mature than his peers and in others he's still catching up. But fist things first for our Capitalist System: helping him be healthy and diligent and mentally prepared for work. Just a thought, but if you can, maybe help her find young composer scholarships and grants. www.prsformusic.com/.../

Praise can make one feel too vulnerable. From parents it can feel intimate. My father, instead of saying "Wow, that was amazing!" would exchange amazing for 'terrible' or 'awful' but with the same enthusiasm and rigor - he might smile and perform a silly walk so we knew what he meant. It made it more comfortable. With my own son, eventually I had to joke about not taking away my purpose in life (that of being his mum and thinking he's pure joy). I will be forthright about being biased and take my wee moment of comedy and production to 'publicly' announce how great whatever it was he did was (as if I were a rather unfortunate actor in a play going very downhill). I'll also use my fathers tricks.

I think this can be normal for all kids even the most loved.

As for the space, It sounds like a lot of what's happening is she has grown into enjoying being with her self, and loves her space. This is monumental in a time where most teenage girls are self-harming and cannot deal with feeling 'alone'. 

I work in music and write myself. I can tell you that the only way to be successful is Uninterrupted Time. In exchange for her phone and social media, you could make a contract to block out time where you agree to not interrupt - allow her to create. Time is Resource musicians and composers "mine". Without that she won't succeed. For me, it is also a type of stimming. It is incredibly repetitive and as such, also something which calms anxiety and brings a working wage. 

Piano guy said:

We have to plan a lot of what we say to her as she is super sensitive but she gets to say anything she feels and we have to just be like a sponge and accept it.

And I'm afraid, it's: Yes. Yes we do. We contain their emotions and feelings and frustration, not the other way around. I am the adult, the gatekeeper, the dungeon master... in charge of the nursery, the seedlings, with the tools, the rule books, keeping the greenhouse, making sure the organic material is allowed to move about and grow and thrive and become. My grandparents were married almost as long as the queen and loved each other till death. Here's what they taught me: Parents are a team and each others FIRST priority above the children. The Children are that Teams responsibility. Whatever it takes to care for and aid their success in life. Never ever ever get offended. The moment we take offence to our children we become their competition not their care-givers. And the competition's Role is to dominate and destroy the other. You cannot be both Mentor and Competitor. They have opposing jobs. I am not on the same level as my son, he will never be my friend, But I teach him Respect by giving it to him, I teach him patience by being available to contain whatever he's going through, I teach him kindness by holding standards and reasonable expectations and allowing him to fail without judgement, but compassion - but helping him meet them. Regardless of age, we all need mentors and parents. The moment a parent relinquishes their Role and Responsibilities it can create a type of recklessness in the child as their world is no longer safe, even if symbolic. It is of great consequence parents take their title to the grave. 

In the animal and other organic life kingdom some children destroy their parents to flourish. Parents should work on themselves however they can (time and resources permitting) so they have the strength emotionally and psychologically for whatever is thrown their way. You will always be the wiser, best to become the counsel they actively seek. 

If you do so, you wont be working out secretly how to communicate due to eggshells and fear (which she can sense but probably cannot identify, therefore you might not feel 'safe') but because thought-full words which convey kindness with expectations are the Sages rule. 

She won't really be ready for Adult life till she's 30. I've allowed my son to grow at his pace. In some ways he far more mature than his peers and in others he's still catching up. But fist things first for our Capitalist System: helping him be healthy and diligent and mentally prepared for work. Just a thought, but if you can, maybe help her find young composer scholarships and grants. www.prsformusic.com/.../