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First time Post. Desperate dad

Piano guy

Hi all. I'd better do an intro. We are parents of a nearly 15 year old ASD daughter and things are going downhill fast. As we are tackling all of the normal teen issues, such as homework, too much phone and gaming time, staying up late, attitude, chores around the home, this has caused a lot more opportunities for conflict than in the years previous. Where things are going very badly though is communication. She has always been intensely private and used her autism cleverly to the point where we have lost all visibility of her online activities. She cannot participate in level headed discussions with us about it. No matter how we approach it, it will end often very quickly with her angry and running away. We have no idea if she has school problems, bullying or relationship issues as she will literally tell us nothing. We have been left guessing and worrying or looking for occasional clues to her life and happiness. On the plus side she is academically doing well and on course for good gcses. She is very ambitious and says she will move out as soon as she legally can. I think she is serious as I think she finds all interactions with people awful except her online friends. The biggest obatacle to that is her severe sensory issues around food and drink smells meaning she has no current tolerance to handling a kitchen and thus is lacking key survival skills for independence. Our biggest worry of all is that she is so fragile and delicate we have reached the point where we can not talk to her about anything sensitive at all. We tread on eggshells and normally screw that up too. If there is a important topic to discuss, see earlier mention of homework, chores, etc and we try and talk to her she blows up and gets angry at us for not understanding. I had previously thought we could at least help her to be ready for independent 'normal' adult life but now I'm starting to lose hope with that. I really am stating to think she might shoot off from home as soon as she can and live a sorry existence in the kind of squalor we couldn't tolerate or wish for. Worst of all, I'm starting to run out of the energy to care! Help!

Parents

  • Hey there,

    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

    Remember to give and take solace and comfort in a loving cuddle with your partner. 

    Don't EVER let her know you're feeling ready to give up. You may end up losing her forever.

    It really is so difficult. So much more difficult to do, than say but... If you and your partner can keep supporting each other, like A frames, and show your daughter that you love her, accept her. Without seeming to be ganging up on her. Then you have a really good chance of having a wonderful relationship with her later on. 

    It's important to a teenage girl to feel that her "terms" are given suitable consideration. She's seeking to assert her own power, but is unsure how to go about it. Many popular female icons are a product of conglomerate profit minded corporations, and always have been (think Judy Garland). So they're unreliable. 

    Listen to her. If she doesn't want to talk, blather on about nonsense and talk about details in your surroundings. She'll roll her eyes, you'll feel stoopid, she'll relax and see you as less threatening. Praise her achievements, keep it sincere though. Share your own delights with her, even if she rolls her eyes - it's what teenage girls do.

    She's changing. She's confused. You've been there. As much as she seems to resist your help, she really needs (and secretly wants) it. 

    Or... 

    Maybe, you could try a befriending charity. Or family mediation? If you haven't tried it already, An impartial 3rd party might be worth a go.

    But please, PLEASE, never let her know that you're ready to give up on her. I know you're hurting, but I also know you don't want to hurt her. 

Reply

  • Hey there,

    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

    Remember to give and take solace and comfort in a loving cuddle with your partner. 

    Don't EVER let her know you're feeling ready to give up. You may end up losing her forever.

    It really is so difficult. So much more difficult to do, than say but... If you and your partner can keep supporting each other, like A frames, and show your daughter that you love her, accept her. Without seeming to be ganging up on her. Then you have a really good chance of having a wonderful relationship with her later on. 

    It's important to a teenage girl to feel that her "terms" are given suitable consideration. She's seeking to assert her own power, but is unsure how to go about it. Many popular female icons are a product of conglomerate profit minded corporations, and always have been (think Judy Garland). So they're unreliable. 

    Listen to her. If she doesn't want to talk, blather on about nonsense and talk about details in your surroundings. She'll roll her eyes, you'll feel stoopid, she'll relax and see you as less threatening. Praise her achievements, keep it sincere though. Share your own delights with her, even if she rolls her eyes - it's what teenage girls do.

    She's changing. She's confused. You've been there. As much as she seems to resist your help, she really needs (and secretly wants) it. 

    Or... 

    Maybe, you could try a befriending charity. Or family mediation? If you haven't tried it already, An impartial 3rd party might be worth a go.

    But please, PLEASE, never let her know that you're ready to give up on her. I know you're hurting, but I also know you don't want to hurt her. 

Children
  • in reply to Supa-T

    Hi thanks for replying. After the big conflict last night I have only had about 4 hours sleep but as soon  as I woke I checked my phone for replies and I'm pleased to see some! I shall re read your advice with my partner. Mosty I have taken on board what you said about keeping the giving up thoughts private. Rest assured I was going to anyway but it is very important I think to remember that because in the heat of a firey argument its possible to say the wrong things. This is another major frustration for us. We have to plan a lot of what we say to her as she is super sensitive but she gets to say anything she feels and we have to just be like a sponge and accept it. I take on board a lot of what you say that she is scared and secretly needing us. Its out main motivation to prepare her for adult life and there are positives too in recent weeks. She has been keen to learn some cooking skills and has been both pushing me to plan meals she can help me cook. Those cooking sessions have also been very successful and I couldn't be happier at the progress there. But that does bring me to another major problem, the subject of praise. One significant trait of hers is she abhors praise. From a teacher its fine but the recognition and attention from us is rejected. She is a very talented musician and will often compose a piece of music that blows us away and then plays it for us and we laugh because we cannot even comment "that was good'. So we can only say something banal like 'I observed your new composition'. Seriously! Out autistic daughter is transforming us into something non human! So yes I agree the praise for successes is very important but we have to be careful how we deliver it. Usually just extremely understated. 

    As I said I shall go through your ideas and comments with my wife as there's new ideas and thoughts and I really am grateful you took your time to write.