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Need help with being a better friend

NAS71984

I've recently had a situation come up where someone pointed out I was manipulating my friends and just over being a bad person. They also pointed out I use my autism as an excuse to be a shitty person. I dont want to be a shitty person tho. And I dont want to lose my friends bit I cant read emotions so this is difficult for me. I've apologized but I want to work on changing myself. What ater some ways of figuring out if what I'm doing is confisidered manipulative behavior? And what are some good first steps to changing how I treat others? I would really like to change for both myself and my friends. 

Parents

  • Well at the moment I have not asked them but i fear as my own trauma gets in the way of gauging actions. If i do something nice like buy someone a pizza my fears will tell me I'm being taken advantage of. But at the same time uve been told I throw fits when i dont get what i want. I guess i could be more flexible but i can never tell until AFTER it's been pointed out for me. How do i tell in the moment? 

Reply

  • Well at the moment I have not asked them but i fear as my own trauma gets in the way of gauging actions. If i do something nice like buy someone a pizza my fears will tell me I'm being taken advantage of. But at the same time uve been told I throw fits when i dont get what i want. I guess i could be more flexible but i can never tell until AFTER it's been pointed out for me. How do i tell in the moment? 

Children
  • in reply to NAS71984
    NAS71984 said:
    Well at the moment I have not asked them but i fear as my own trauma gets in the way of gauging actions.

    Well going on what you have been told about manipulating people, your next statement is an example of one type of manipulation:

    NAS71984 said:
    If i do something nice like buy someone a pizza my fears will tell me I'm being taken advantage of.

    Would you not be taking advantage of them by making your choice their responsibility? I.e., a form of entrapment?

    And:

    NAS71984 said:
    But at the same time uve been told I throw fits when i dont get what i want.

    So being domineering and therefore coercive as using a control drama?

    NAS71984 said:
    I guess i could be more flexible but i can never tell until AFTER it's been pointed out for me. How do i tell in the moment? 

    By learning step by step as we do word by word and sentence by sentence in order to understand and comprehend the use of language, and thereby appropriate and inappropriate objects and actions, so it is likewise that past tense analysis of our actions becomes a more present tense sensibility in the moment involving others ~ as we develop a more advanced 'Theory of Mind' (TOM), remembering that most people are just get along with it as a more natural predisposition, whereas we on the spectrum have to learn it in sometimes quite considerable detail.

    In my case I studied books on the history and traditions of social etiquette during my teenage years (with The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau being one of the most common referred to reads), and then the book that really pulled it all together for me was the GAMES PEOPLE PLAY The Psychology of Human Relationships, by Eric Berne, MD.

    If any of that helps? Keeping in mind that I reserve the right or is it left to at very least be wrong! Relaxed

  • in reply to NAS71984
    NAS71984 said:
    How do i tell in the moment? 

    You can't.     As you say, you can only work it out afterwards.      One thing I do not do is present my mental problems on my friends - confiding in them is not the same a 'throwing a fit' - that would be inappropriate - do you get 'difficult' with your friends?   If so, I can see how they would think you're manipulating them - forcing them to walk on eggshells around you..    That would be using your ASD as an excuse to behave badly.       Friends are valuable things - I've had most of my friends since childhood - don't waste them..