increasingly violent/aggressive behaviour after changes and at the onset of puberty

Hello,

my name is Sarah, I am new to this group but please look at my 'about me' info. I am very happy to meet other parents and carers here. 

I am at a point in my son's development/life where I really don't know what to do. My son is 12 and a half, he has what I would call medium needs given the breadth of the spectrum. He is now verbal (after Nordoff/Robbins music therapy) and 2 years ago we managed to toilet train him as well. Two huge achievements both for him and for us, I feel.

Now recently, we have moved house and also moved in with my partner. Then there's obviously the covid restrictions both in outside life and school life. And on top of that my son is rapidly changing into a teenager.

My son always has multiple ocds, especially in the evenings before bed time. Certain things need to be in certain locations, things need sorting and distributing etc. It has always taken a long time to get him into bed and we have been using TEACCH and other rituals and routines for many years. But recently he has added a 'thought game' that is called 'goodie and baddie' and some of his things 'need to be thrown' or 'put in prison' (the baddies). This procedure is taking up so much time now every night, plus further ocds or obsessive thoughts about questions I can not answer such as 'when is the new xyz film going to be out, what 'precise day' - and if that day isn't 'TODAY', all hell breaks loose. 

I feel almost bullied as my son threatens me with 'explosions' if I don't deliver what he wants. Immediately.

I have never considered medication for him, at least not seriously, because I always figured, it wasn't 'bad enough' and I could solve problems using behaviour techniques, and holistic approaches. However, right now, I'd be willing to use anything that might alleviate his own struggle/anxieties/obsessions and the resulting threats, screaming and even physical explosions and fights he gets into.

If anyone could share their experience with medication for these kinds of states and pre-teen problems I would be more than grateful.

Also, is there an emergency helpline (24/7) that one can call if things get totally out of control?

Thank you!!

Sarah

  • i mean sure call it propaganda to try say its not relevant when the message wasnt about the ukraine conflict at all but a example of how if someone harms you you have to harm them the same way to make them know how it feels so then they have empathy and understanding of how it feels so they dont do it... it builds empathy, they cant be empathic about it if they dont know what it feels like to recieve the harm you see? and if they know that if they do harm to someone they will recieve that harm back then they wont do it again if they know what that harm feels like and dont want to recieve it back right?

    also your undiagnosed brother with psycosis could be schizoprhenic for all you know as drugs cause schizophrenia... unless that too is propaganda against drugs?? ..... despite the whole canabis curing everything in the world being a actual real propaganda and lies spread by drug addicts to try legalise drugs lol

    if violence is never a solution how come the only reason great nations were made is on the backs of violence and without it wed all be poor nations, wed likely not even be alive as our direct ancestors would have been wiped out if they didnt have violence.... so you fell for the modern day propaganda and lies that violence is bad, when its actually a foundation stone of civilisation in multiple ways. 

  • Oh my goodness. You fell for the propaganda on the new about Russia. 

    Back to autism as this what the community page is about. My father beat us. My older asd brother undiagnosed who is now a drug addict with psychosis. 

    I have the opposite. My son self harms by banging his head extremely hard on walls up to 500 times a day due to sensory, etc. And it breaks my heart into pieces everyday that he can't stop it and no one else either at present. 

    Violence is never ever a solution. All i remember as a kid is hearing my brother sob in pain. 

  • Same, and I just about caught myself before the cycle could perpetuate. It's scary how normalised hitting people was in my childhood, but now I'm the parent and see the kids don't start as unruly teenagers, they start as delicate little people looking for guidance, so the power and authority is already skewed towards the parents, you don't need to hit kids to set firm boundaries. In fact if adults hit kids I realised the adults have lost control, not just over the situation but over themselves too.

  • Hey, I'm a Sarah too Grinning my son isn't as old as yours but is 9 years old, and his ocd, anxiety, headbanging and sensory issues this year have exploded. 

    Just had a TAC meeting today actually, with several members of Jack's caseworkers and there is quite a significant waiting list. We was lucky to get cahms in September

     My advice right now is get the referrals in now if you can, we have family services, children's disability team, working together team, senco at school, early help etc. 

    With PDA (even without diagnosis) any change life, such as moving, hormones etc, the only reward is control for them. As its the only thing they can control since perhaps their brain runs at 100mph. 

    I have tried compromise options rather than a demands, and that does work slightly better. Instead of saying 'tidy your room', I'd say 'bet you a quid you can't pick up 20 pieces of your paper in 1 min' then I leave the room. 

  • Hi my son is autistic adult....he lives in own flat in our house to give him independence...but he struggles to eat regularly and blames me...I try and try but he's becoming impossible....and gets aggressive and shouts and screams at me if something upsets him....I really don't know what to do anymore myself....we awaiting an assessment of needs for him but it's taking forever....anyone any tips?

  • no its more "i dont want to be hurt and if i hurt that guy i will be hurt just the same so why should i do that when i will just be hurting myself?"

    i mean sure we can just roll over and let anyone do what they want without repercussion? lol in that case why bother ukraine fighting back? why dont they just roll over and let putin take them because fighting back against russia and making them hurt to teach them not to invade others is apparently wrong? you instead should let russia take ukraine if you think that right?

    its why central europe doesnt war so easily now.... because we had wars, and it hurt all sides, no real winner just all sides hurt.

    britain tried to appease hitler to avoid war because britain learned war was harmful to them and they couldnt take it. it shows that having bad effects from violence will stop you from entering violence if you get that ...violence becomes a very last resort if everyone knows that they get the same violence in return and it isnt one sided violence that benefits them

  • You don't think the lesson kids are taking from being hit isn't "I shouldn't do anything wrong then" but rather "violence solves problems"?

    You say your dad hit you and it was a positive influence on you, but you're posting that beating children is justified and good if they were naughty and that to me shows that being abused has left you with a twisted view on this.

    I don't want to live in a world where whoever has the biggest stick has things their way.

  • yeah thats the thing, teachers and anyone are afraid of kids these days and are afraid if they hit the kid they will hit them back.... this is because the generation of teachers themselves were molly coddled and fear being hit. they shouldnt fear it at all, and its a important lesson to do unto others what you would want to be done to yourself.... a kid may hit others, but they cant take it when they get hit back? a kid that hits others and never gets hit back and gets away with it will always hit others and be abusive when they are older, if you catch them early and ensure anytime they harm others they will receive that very same harm back to themselves they will never hit others when they are older because they will not want to be hit back.

    its hard ti explain but it works mentally... it works on anything really... my dad always hit me whenever he assumed i was telling a lie so now when i lie i actually hesitate quite alot and usually tell the truth no matter how worse telling the truth is and how destructive the truth can be. i also know not to harm others because i will be harmed back, kids dont know this anymore and are shocked if anyone hits them back and act like a victim when someone hits back and it hurts them, when they are literally the criminal that hit the others first. its really a big issue and we see it in society....

    example, if you go out you will often get some little scrawny chav kid shout abuse at you and threaten you... you maybe afraid of that, but you dont need to be because its just a little scrawny child... the child should be afraid and shouldnt do that, shouldnt shout abuse at a adult because the child should know the adult is bigger and stronger and more capable than them.. the issue is none of you have ever shown these children the truth and shown them the size and age differences and why they shouldnt just challenge a grown ass adult on the streets like they do. if they was brought up right with consequences to their actions, they would already know by experience that the adults they shout abuse at on the street can flatten them very painfully without trying... that knowledge alone would be enough for them to calm down and stop threatening innocent people in the streets and stop making society a threatening dangerous place that fearful adults become more afraid of... this in part is kinda not the kids fault... its the adults fault for being so fearful and lacking of assertiveness and control. we indeed are a weak generation and we should be ashamed of what we are because we let children bully us, thats a bit pathetic lol and shows we are not a fit generation to lead on anything.

  • My parents hit me and it taught me and my siblings to hit each other.  I haven't spanked my kids at all, and they don't hit each other either.  They do what I say out if respect, not fear.  

    Violence only teaches more violence. 

  • the older gens had something right in their firm upbringing approach that was required to teach children that their own violence only gets them violence in return and hurts them

    I agree that this approach is often one that would get through to those with a rules based understanding of the world (especially autistic kids) but these days it would quickly escalate to being called child abuse with the associated dire consequences.

    Abigail also makes a very relevant point about the importance of good nutrition on the overall wellbeing and moods of your son.

    I would probably also try to track down a behavioral therapist with experienve of these issues and try to have a consult with them. It is unlikely to be cheap, but their experience could be very useful to understand what is actually going on for your son and what you can do about it.

    My gut feel is that they are doing what all kids going through adolescence are predisposed to do - they are seeing how far they can push the boundaries of behaviour to see what they can get away with. I did it and I suspect every generation for hundreds of throusands of years has too.

    You may need to be more disciplinarian and use a system of punishments for bad behaviour which is clearly laid our, warned of and followed through on even when it hurts you as well.

    Without this you may be creating a bigger problem for yourself when the body is stronger and more driven by hormones more so than now.

    Good luck.

  • this is where we cant really say anything but rather point out that the older gens had something right in their firm upbringing approach that was required to teach children that their own violence only gets them violence in return and hurts them so then they dont do it because they dont want to get hurt themselves.

  • My son just turned 9 years old and started to be very violent in the car. He kicks, slaps, punches and bites at random times. I believe it his behavior turns on like that when he is annoyed or upset at someone or something. It is usually just someone talking that upsets him. I've taken the little guy to doctors for allergies, lead, Lyme disease and even done an MRI which as of yet shows everything is normal and fine. I do know without a doubt that my son has NOT eaten well for the better part of this past year all because he does not want to eat or he throws away his food when we are not looking and he has stopped taking his chewable vitamins. 

    Since I cannot get him to eat I have started to boost his nutrition with egg white protein powder mixed with rice milk or any favored milk to make it taste like a vanilla milkshake. I also have been using a baby medicine syringe to give him liquid vitamin/minerals made for kids. I make sure to get a good tasting one that tastes like oranges or something. One of the best things I recently started giving him is fish oil from Nordic naturals made for kids and I deliver it in the baby oral medicine syringe. His aggression is a lot less but not gone yet. I am going to seek out a trusted naturopathic medical doctor who will help with nutritional deficiencies. None of the doctors we have gone to this year for his aggressive behavior ever asked if my child was eating well. I'm sorely disappointed in their lack of basics and urge other parents to boost their kids nutrition. I know the digestive tract is an issue for kids on the spectrum. The GI tract is considered the body's 2nd brain so I will seek out probiotics for his health.

  • Hello Sarah,

    We have a page on the NAS website about obsessions and repetitive behaviour which might help you to deal with your 12-year-old son. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/obsessions/all-audiences

    If you have further questions, you may like to contact our Autism Helpline team. They can provide you with information and advice about repetitive behaviour. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.

    All the best,

    Karin Mod