grandparents and husband don't recognise or understand autism

Hi,

I identify somewhat as my ex doesn't believe my 12 year old daughter has ASD and a few years back (way before diagnosis) he managed to convince some social workers that her struggles were due to my bad parenting and that I had mental health issues. She now lives with him in term time. I started to question myself then, but it is all coming out now and I think it will be put right. My family has said I lack discipline, but they are starting to see it's the system that has failed us.

Anyhow the things that helped us the most were - emotion coaching - find online or in Daniel J Siegel Books. Positive Discipline is similar and that Dinosaur Brain Books are also good. I got Emotion Coaching through . The PFSA at her school, but most schools don't have one. It's all about trying to help them calm down when behaving badly and learning gradually over time to come out of fight or flight more quickly then talking about the situation when they are calm and able to process the information and empathise and think of consequences etc. Basically when they 'misbehave' or 'flip their lids' empathising with them, not doing anything that makes them feel rejected or abandoned or judged and getting them to name their emotions and use words to bring them out of fight or flight. 

Kindness Chart - a simple line drawing on the wall (we used dog pictures). Each evening give eachother and others (not yourselves) stickers for acts of kindness. Gradually fill the inside of the drawing with stickers until full and you get a new one.

3 x Family rules agreed by both of you. The most important one for us was that if you want something you must ask with full sentence and please and nice tone of voice or you don't get. That has really helped with behaviours and she is much more assertive now.

Social Stories (through speech and language therapist referral, but you can find stuff online). Developed for ASD kids to help them understand how others think and feel so they can adjust their behaviour to get better responses from others. Always start with a story about something positive the child does already. Ready with them or they read to you every morning and before the relevant situation. It's all worded in the positive, nothing negative, not about what you don't want them to do, or about negative consequences of bad behaviour. Quick example - I often see people walking their dogs. when I look them in the eye and say hello they are often happy to say hello. I will try to look them in the eye and say hello if I want their attention. You can learn to write tailor made stories for your child or find ready made ones online. Concentrate on just one story at a time for as long as necessary, possibly weeks.

Also I ignored all the advice and gave immediate awards for a while. I was paying my daughter £1 per day to go to school on time. I then added in more stuff she had to do to get the £1, like get to bed on time the night before. After a while she forgot about the £1.

Tied consequences were good too. 

In the end it was a combination of things that helped, but emotion coaching was by far the most impactful. She still has her moments, but they are way easier to deal with and much fewer and farther between.

 I hope that helps. Good Luck.

Hi,

I identify somewhat as my ex doesn't believe my 12 year old daughter has ASD and a few years back (way before diagnosis) he managed to convince some social workers that her struggles were due to my bad parenting and that I had mental health issues. She now lives with him in term time. I started to question myself then, but it is all coming out now and I think it will be put right. My family has said I lack discipline, but they are starting to see it's the system that has failed us.

Anyhow the things that helped us the most were - emotion coaching - find online or in Daniel J Siegel Books. Positive Discipline is similar and that Dinosaur Brain Books are also good. I got Emotion Coaching through . The PFSA at her school, but most schools don't have one. It's all about trying to help them calm down when behaving badly and learning gradually over time to come out of fight or flight more quickly then talking about the situation when they are calm and able to process the information and empathise and think of consequences etc. Basically when they 'misbehave' or 'flip their lids' empathising with them, not doing anything that makes them feel rejected or abandoned or judged and getting them to name their emotions and use words to bring them out of fight or flight. 

Kindness Chart - a simple line drawing on the wall (we used dog pictures). Each evening give eachother and others (not yourselves) stickers for acts of kindness. Gradually fill the inside of the drawing with stickers until full and you get a new one.

3 x Family rules agreed by both of you. The most important one for us was that if you want something you must ask with full sentence and please and nice tone of voice or you don't get. That has really helped with behaviours and she is much more assertive now.

Social Stories (through speech and language therapist referral, but you can find stuff online). Developed for ASD kids to help them understand how others think and feel so they can adjust their behaviour to get better responses from others. Always start with a story about something positive the child does already. Ready with them or they read to you every morning and before the relevant situation. It's all worded in the positive, nothing negative, not about what you don't want them to do, or about negative consequences of bad behaviour. Quick example - I often see people walking their dogs. when I look them in the eye and say hello they are often happy to say hello. I will try to look them in the eye and say hello if I want their attention. You can learn to write tailor made stories for your child or find ready made ones online. Concentrate on just one story at a time for as long as necessary, possibly weeks.

Also I ignored all the advice and gave immediate awards for a while. I was paying my daughter £1 per day to go to school on time. I then added in more stuff she had to do to get the £1, like get to bed on time the night before. After a while she forgot about the £1.

Tied consequences were good too. 

In the end it was a combination of things that helped, but emotion coaching was by far the most impactful. She still has her moments, but they are way easier to deal with and much fewer and farther between.

 I hope that helps. Good Luck.