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Apologising continuously over trivial things

Tbird78

Hello 

I’m new to this site , this is my first post !

I’m Single Mum to Jayden 11 years old who is diagnosed with high functioning autism , He was Diagnosed in June 2019. 

I know a fair bit but am still learning about Autism , And would appreciate some advice .

He is the most loving caring boy , he isn’t naughty at all .

He mostly  struggles socially and communication also very anxious and comes across depressed occasionally. 

So , what I wanted to ask people about is constant apologising.. 

At the moment , Jayden is constantly saying Sorry to me , for things  he doesn’t need to apologise for !

Although it isn’t A bad thing , it’s worrying me ,

as he’s so apologetic and seems down ? 
For example He comes to me for a cuddle and tells me he loves me at least ten times a day , Yesterday in the sweltering heat , he opens his arms up to do so and I was sweating buckets trying to get Some air so I asked to hold on for a min , and he started saying ... ‘I’m sorry I’m sorry ‘ !! 
So I’m forever saying it’s alright Jayden you don’t have to apologise 

But it’s over every Thing lately , and when I try to explain to him that he doesn’t need to say sorry over everything he then takes offence Sweat

I’m just wondering if anyone has any experience with this type of behaviour ? It makes me feel terrible Frowning2️ 

Thanks in advance 

 

  • I'm not very big on physical contact like your son apparently is, but a lot of what you describe is familiar to me. I have a bad problem with feeling guilt over things that don't matter at all. I could make a simple honest mistake that didn't affect anyone and I just feel terrible about it. Sometimes, I have the perception that it bothered someone when it didn't and I baffle them with an apology, probably much the way you feel baffled. There may be a part of him that knows it's not necessary, because I know there's a part of me that knows that, yet I so fear hurting or offending those I love, that it just feels natural.

    I can also somewhat relate to your saying that he takes offense. I wouldn't say that I get offended when someone tells me I don't have to apologize about something, but I can see how someone might think I did, because sometimes it does hurt. I have no doubt that you're not trying to dismiss his feelings, just as I know that people aren't trying to dismiss mine, but it can still feel that way. The best advice that I can give to avoid that part of it-- and this is based strictly on how I feel in a situation like that -- is to try to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to apologize and then explain to him why you don't see it as a problem. I can't say that it fully fixes it, because the depression still lurks, but it definitely makes it easier for me. If you can find something like that, you might be able to talk to him and chip away at the excessive apologies.

  • He's at the age where he's starting to seek approval from his peers and, like the rest of us, probably not good at spotting people's emotions.       If he doesn't get instant approval, then he's assuming he's done something wrong.    Unfortunately, this unleashes a massive guilt / stress / lack of understanding 'rush' so we try to do everything to make reparations.    He's obviously running on 99% stress all the time.

    This behaviour makes us instant targets for bullies, manipulators and users - they literally come out of the woodwork when they see this reaction.

    Try talking to him about this behaviour and get him to take more time to assess the situation before apologising - make sure he's apologising for a real reason.      It's almost a better strategy to get him to verbalise something like "Have I done something to insult or hurt you?"    rather than blanket apologies which can be weaponised against him..

  • Hi... I experience this too, it is particularly noticeable when I am anxious or stressed. For me it comes from understanding that I still don't always 100% get interaction with other people and am always worried that I might be causing offense or unintentionally upsetting someone. I worry about this especially with the people I care about most. Also I know I can be a bit intense at times, this is more often characterised by going into my own head and not letting others in. When I realise this I also try to compensate by almost forcing interaction....for example by hugging my partner. Also when I am anxious tight hugs really help so I tend to seek them out more. I am not saying these are the reasons for your son's presentation, just that I have some understanding. 

    What does your son enjoy? 

    What helps him to calm?

    What is he good at? 

    Is it possible to build more opportunities into his day to do these things? 

    How is he able to communicate? Could this be expanded to help him talk about things that are tricky for him right now or things he is concerned about?

    Are their any professionals involved that you can talk to about your concerns.... GP, Occupational Therapists could help with sensory plans to help him feel more calm, psychologists might be able to help with the need to keep saying sorry and help you to work out why this might be happening and SLT's for the communication aspect.

    You sound like a really loving parent and trying to help your son with this now and being really proactive is definitely a good thing. 

    I wish you and your son all the best.