Published on 12, July, 2020
I am going on 16 years with my husband and we have two children. One is almost 3 and the other is 3 months. I happen to be trained in the field of autism (certified) and work with people in employment that are on the spectrum. I find the inconsistency of my husbands efforts and actions to be the most frustrating part. At times he makes me feel as if he doesn’t even try to do things right so I just end up doing it all. Yes he works two jobs, but I also work full time and we all know moms have a 24/7 job. I find myself always having to remind myself of the things he has no control over but at my core I’m exhausted...
I know for a fact what he is capable of and at times he does things and it’s so great and then out of no where he almost completely doesn’t even remember doing it that way or claims to just see and hear things so different from me that we have trouble ... communicating (obviously our biggest issue and ongoing) Yet he isn’t formally diagnosed and has yet to try to see anyone. He loves to say “it’s part of my thing” when it’s convenient for him but if I point out the fact he needs help with things and needs to see someone either comes up with excuses or changes his mind and he said that he isn’t on the spectrum. Anyone else with kids married to an aspie husband?
Thank you so much for your response. This is the first thread I read and I thought I’d come to the wrong place it started off so negative. I am the wife of a as yet undiagnosed husband - 14 months waiting list. After 18 years of being together and 11 married I don’t know if up is down or down is up. So thank you for your point of view on this lady’s struggles.
You sound like Voldemort. Do you feel like you have some kind of higher power because you are not NT?
Hi, I think it's telling that you are seeking advice but he isn't. You clearly want things to work. I don't think it's helpful of replies above to take such a simple view of your relationship issues, it isn't a matter of 'he has autism (self diagnosed) so he gets a get-out-of-jail card for everything.' I am a diagnosed male, married for a long time, also with children. We've had issues as well because of the way I perceive things, and I know they are a part of my neurological make-up but I never take the view that I cannot change. I learn, it's what aspies are good at. So I try to understand her and in turn she tries to understand me. The difference is that if I can't manage something, if I struggle with things, I tell her.
I think your husband is doing a disservice to aspie men. I think what you describe is a relationship issue you're having, and he needs to take ownership of his stuff, not just pass it on. I hope you can take encouragement from my views, as someone who is supposedly similar to your husband in neuro type -- he needs to meet in the middle, he needs to know that he should at least offer the respect that comes with saying you that he acknowledges what it is like for you as partner to an aspie man. I wish you luck.
I thank you for your response. It has sparked some thoughts for me and to see things from another way besides my own. But he feels my way is wrong and refuses to let me try to help when usually that’s all I wanna do. I am not autistic , and my husband isn’t formally diagnosed but he says he has it. I think at the core for me I want to make things work and that’s why I never give up. I just find things to be so difficult from the lack of communication and from as you said the two different cultures just clashing during this difficult time in the world. I thank you for reminding me of the basics needing to be covered before moving on.
My husband is autistic, as am I, we have a child together. It sounds like your not autistic?
It doesn't come across as though your husband's neurotype is the issue. If your husband is autistic and you are a PNT then in your household there are two cultures coming together. If you believe your culture is superior and is the only one that should be followed then there will be problems. I find your attitude to be incredibly puzzling. If you work with autistic individuals surely your aware of how much damage it does when a PNT thinks there way of being is superior to the autistic way. Why can't difference live side by side in your house, why is your way the right way and your husband is wrong? Plus, if your husband is happy with who he is, why do you need to medicalise his neurotype instead of focusing on living life to its fullest.
If you don't accept your husband for who he is and want him to change then this is the issue in your marriage.
I am an autism specialist and often cringe at the behaviour of others in the field, especially those who are 'outsiders' and do not have lived experience as an autistic. Throughout my career, I have experienced a significant number of colleagues who were incredibly narrow-minded, discriminatory and downright unpleasant people.
You sound like my Mrs - She thinks she knows what autism is too!
In reality she has no idea whatsoever - she is also 'trained' in it as well.
She can't see at all - anything that is just in front of her. No NTs can actually see reality - they are all living in their forebrain focussed on an imaginary future. That is heaven or hell. That is the bottom line - its the valley of the shadow of death and it is why all NTs are not even here. Theyre somewhere else dreamt up in their frontal lobe put their by 'the shepherds of lies' aka The Great Deciever :)