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Isolated teenager

NAS67088

Hi this is my first post so hopefuly I've done this right! My 15 year old son was diagnosed with aspergers last year, he struggles socially and finds it difficult to talk to people. I cant get him to attend any clubs etc. He has told us he feels lonely. Can anyone give me some advice thank you. 

Parents

  • Hi, feel free to ignore this suggestion as I am just a random Autistic person and not an expert! but i can also remember I was a teenager once.

    The conundrum he's stuck in is probably like this:

    - he is shy / socially awkward and likes spending time alone

    but

    - as a teenager a huge value is placed on being popular and having friends.  This is particularly acute in teens and gets a bit less as we age.

    So he can't fix the loneliness because his fear of socialising wins. And probably, he doesn't mind some time alone but would like to appear normal, fit in, and "belong" to someone or some friends that give him self esteem.  So a balance is needed - a friend who shows up every day and wants to go on holiday together, lol , is probably too much.

    To get somewhere you need to find where the pain point is.

    Get him to give scores out of 10, how painful /anxiety inducing is  each of these, with 10 high and 1 low:

    • being alone
    • being alone at weekends
    • having to socialise
    • having to meet new people

    so the scores might be like this, i inserted my own scores as a demo

    • being alone = 1  (i love being alone  )
    • being alone at weekends = 3  (ok after a few days i need some contact / conversation)
    • having to socialise with people I know  = 7  (i'm really anxious)
    • having to meet new people = 10 aaargh i can't bear it

    After he has done this, try to ask - what would it take to make that 10 into a 9?  what would it take to make that 7 into a 6 or 5? see if you can get him to suggest answers himself instead of giving them to him.

    My example again: suppose i have to go to a new club . Anxiety score : 10 .  there's no way I'm going.

    To bring that score down, well, if someone I already know is at the club, it becomes an 8. 

    if someone I know takes me to the club and reassures me what is going to happen there, then it's a 7 or even a 6.  you see the anxiety is coming down because of this.  

    The scoring system can be good for the Autistic systematising-brain, and help to communicate the relative difficulty faced by your son, also it means you are helping him to find a solution himself. 

  • in reply to Plectrum

    Thank you this is a great idea I will try this too! 

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