Hi this is my first post so hopefuly I've done this right! My 15 year old son was diagnosed with aspergers last year, he struggles socially and finds it difficult to talk to people. I cant get him to attend any clubs etc. He has told us he feels lonely. Can anyone give me some advice thank you.
Greetings. I see the word "Teenager", and of late offer this advice most of all: Do not talk to Your Teenager as if they were a Child - Treat them exactly as You would an Adult, taking into account what You know about them of course. They appreciate this (apparently) & it often opens up avenues for exploring and connecting and whatnot. Also, of course, be careful and wary, always.
Thank you, he used to be in the cadets and football but as he got older hes lost interest in them and refused to go. I've found a local gaming group, hes having a think about this and getting back to me. Thanks for your advice x
I have an almost 15-year-old diagnosed with Asperger's but thankfully she does have some friends but I've found the older she gets the harder it is for her to make new ones / not fall out with her current ones.
Could you try finding a club specifically geared around his interests? If (for example) he was really into comic books then see if there is a local club/group for comic book enthusiasts, much easier to try and get him to a club about something he's interested in then say a random cadets group or something.
I think the advice plectrum has given is excellent and as someone on the spectrum too I can 100% agree with the logic behind it. Even as an adult in my 30's I won't go somewhere new unless someone I know is going as well, preferably we travel together. My daughter who is a million times more sociable then me has gotten to this stage as well, she won't try a new activity or go to a new place without at least 1 friend (normally her best friend). Just before lockdown etc she really wanted to try a new sport but wouldn't go on her own, she convinced her best friend to go as well because she couldn't handle the anxiety of going somewhere new on her own. Even the local youth club that she's been going to for years now, she would message her friends to check who was going that week and if there was a risk of it being just her and possibly 1 other friend she wouldn't risk going (in case they changed their mind and she was alone).
If he won't go out to things maybe find online forums he could join to make virtual friends, so again find a forum related to a hobby/interest he has and hopefully he won't feel so lonely.
Hi, feel free to ignore this suggestion as I am just a random Autistic person and not an expert! but i can also remember I was a teenager once.
The conundrum he's stuck in is probably like this:
- he is shy / socially awkward and likes spending time alone
but
- as a teenager a huge value is placed on being popular and having friends. This is particularly acute in teens and gets a bit less as we age.
So he can't fix the loneliness because his fear of socialising wins. And probably, he doesn't mind some time alone but would like to appear normal, fit in, and "belong" to someone or some friends that give him self esteem. So a balance is needed - a friend who shows up every day and wants to go on holiday together, lol , is probably too much.
To get somewhere you need to find where the pain point is.
Get him to give scores out of 10, how painful /anxiety inducing is each of these, with 10 high and 1 low:
so the scores might be like this, i inserted my own scores as a demo
After he has done this, try to ask - what would it take to make that 10 into a 9? what would it take to make that 7 into a 6 or 5? see if you can get him to suggest answers himself instead of giving them to him.
My example again: suppose i have to go to a new club . Anxiety score : 10 . there's no way I'm going.
To bring that score down, well, if someone I already know is at the club, it becomes an 8.
if someone I know takes me to the club and reassures me what is going to happen there, then it's a 7 or even a 6. you see the anxiety is coming down because of this.
The scoring system can be good for the Autistic systematising-brain, and help to communicate the relative difficulty faced by your son, also it means you are helping him to find a solution himself.
NAS used to have a resource where you could type in your postcode and it brought up a list of facilities in that area. May be worth contacting the NAS helpline for signposting on this. I really hope he can turn things around - good luck to you both.
This is something I relate to - I think it would be good if you could find him a group which connects him with others with Aspergers in his age group because those on the spectrum generally connect better with others with autism, as there is a shared understanding of the issues faced etc and he wouldn’t feel like the ‘weird kid’ which was often how I felt when surrounded by other neurotypical people. I’m sure NAS could point you towards resources in your area, though many will be closed due to lockdown, but once restrictions are lifted that’s a way forward. What I would say and by all means share my experience with him is that life only gets lonelier and tougher with time, and now as a young adult, I regret not pushing myself out there more as a teen, it led to me becoming more and more removed from those around me and contributed to depression, anxiety and some bad decisions including an attempt on my own life. I’ve seen it happen in others too - so I know I’m not alone. Please don’t take thus experience as me casting a gloomy forecast over his future, I don’t want that, rather I hope you and he can use this as the driver to address this whilst he has the best chance to do so and take on board the realisation that he needs to push himself out there a little more. It isn’t easy to address loneliness - but if he can take one tip it is that now is the time to act, else it only gets harder - and believe me I deal with loneliness on a daily basis.
