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Divorce / Separation

NAS65195

I have a 6 year old son who was diagnosed with ASD when he was 4 years old. He has been living with me and my wife throughout his life, however; at the end of October 2019 my wife and I separated. My wife moved out and moved into her mother's home and she has taken our son with her.

My wife initially refused me access to our son and from my side I have done everything by the book because I don't want to cause any distress to our son. For example, I am in constant contact with his school to keep up to date with his progress and I can quite easily walk into school and take him out as I have joint parental responsibility and the school will not stop me from doing that. But, as I said before I am making sure I do everything by the book to not cause any distress to my son.

6 weeks after moving out and refusing access, my wife agreed to me visiting my son at her mother's house. This arrangement was made through the solicitors and I was meant to go and visit my son at her mother's home. On the day I turned up to find my wife, my mother in law and my son sitting in my wife's car parked outside her mother's home. It was obvious from the moment I saw this, it was a setup designed to ensure the visit was a failure. I only saw my son for a few mins and had to call the police as the mother in law became aggresive.

I am now not going to attempt any further visits as they will pull further stunts to ensure the visits fail and it is my son who will suffer the most. I am pursuing this via the courts but that takes time, a long time...

Just wondering if there are other people out there in the same boat as me? I have said to my solicitor that I want time with my son where he comes over at weekends and stays with me, that I want holidays to be split equally so that I get my fair share of time with my son.

Anyone out there who has been through something like this, is there light at the end of the tunnel?

  • Update:

    Thank you to everyone that responded, I actually forgot about this post until 5 minutes ago when I got an email about the latest respose. I am now almost 3 years down the line since separation and it feels like I my position is worse than when I had made the initial post.

    I went down the legal route and got access, initially it was suprervised visits at my ex siter in law's house. That then progressed into visits at a children's centre where I got to take him out etc. That then followed into a more structured setup where I am supposed to collect him from school one day a week and every other Sunday is my day with him. September 2021 through to Xmas 2021 everything was going fine. Then literally out of the blue, my son decided he did not want to see me on my Sundays. So from the New Year he stopped coming with me on Sundays when it was meant to be my time. However; I was still collecting him from school the one day each week and everything was normal on that day. Then around April 2022 he started to misbehave saying that he does not want me to collect him from school. But I was still collecting him from school on that one day up until June 2022, where I had to go abroad for work for two months. I came back at the beginning of August and since I came back from abroad he will not see me at all now.

    I did not see him through the whole summer as he refused to see me. And since starting school in Semtember he is now not going to school on the day where I am supposed to collect him because he does not want me to collect him.

    I cannot understand what is going through his mind but what I cannot workout is what has caused the change of heart? In all the time he has spent with me, there was not a single incident which took place, nothing where he can say XYZ happened so now I don't want to see you because of that. The only thing I can think of is that he is hearing or is being told stuff by the other side. Otherwise there is no reason as to why he would have such a change of heart. I have photos and videos of all the time he has spent with me which shows how happy he was in spending that time with me. So, the only thing I can think of is external influence...

    Am I going crazy or would other people think the same if they were in my shoes...?

  • Yes there is. But you need a court order, unfortunately.

    Went through a separation a couple of decades ago; different story. I wanted my son to see his father but we had to get him to stop some manipulative behaviours to make that safe for my son first.

    It's a real shame your ex does want to play fair for your son's sake, but the court order will be the answer in the end.

    Legally, the courts must prioritise the interests of the child. That is normally best served by 2 well behaved parents.

  • in reply to Martin

    I'm sorry that you don't have the opportunity to see your son and actively participate in his life. Your son probably needs his father's love, care, and education. I am convinced that parents should be in close contact with their children in any situation. Of course, you should not try to save your marriage for your child's happy life because it cannot be happy when there is no understanding and love between the parents. In your case, I recommend contacting a good family law firm. Specialists from https://www.burnett-law.co.za/divorce/ will help you find a solution to the problem and establish contact with your son.

  • Presumably, as you called the police, they will have a record of the incident. While you pursue your legal case for access it might be useful for you to ask your legal representative to write to your wife. The car incident casts doubt on your wife as a responsible parent; if she puts her own sense of spite above the interests of your son, she could be viewed by the courts as being the less suitable parent to have day-to-day custody. This might give your wife, and termagant of a mother-in-law, pause for thought before pulling any similar stunts. That your son is autistic is leverage for the necessity of establishing a fixed routine to your access, by interrupting such a routine your wife would be exacerbating your son's distress at having routines changed.

  • I am so sorry for the attitude of some parents in such situations. We should understand that the child suffers, but we should not put our interests as a parent first before the interests of the children, especially for those diagnosed with ASD. Your only solution would be to get a lawyer and settle this in court. I recommend you have a lawyer from [Removed by Moderator] who defended us in court when we divorced my ex-wife. We, as parents, have been quite supportive of our children, and we did not want to make them suffer more. So the kids stayed with her, but I visited them weekly.