Please help - I am beyond struggling with my partner...

... who is 60 and won’t admit he has ASD. I suspected it 6 y ago when our daughter was diagnosed. We have been together for 12 years, and I can’t imagine clocking on another one, but I have no other choice as can’t afford to move out and look after our 21 y old daughter.

i just joined this forum and read most posts made about relationships. I have tried almost everything on there including ongoing counselling and other therapies (I refuse to drug myself with medication) but I still feel such a failure and stuck in an impossible situation. 

My partner supports us financially paying for the mortgage and most bills, which he hates that I am not earning like him, and I’ve got no choice rather than working part time for more like pocket money, as need time to be with our daughter when she’s not in school.

At home I feel I am something to him in between a piece of furniture and unpaid live in nappy/housekeeper. Any romance died years ago. He gets angry about any small thing, apart from ironing his own shirts he doesn’t do any other housework. I have to cook, clean up afterwards, do the laundry etc. He comes from work and watches telly/videos/play games. If I ask him to do something like for example hang up the washing or do a washing up (we don’t have a dishwasher) he will make such a fuss and do it so badly that I regret asking as I have to go over it. 

Our daughter is 11 and scared of him. I don’t like how he is with her, the only thing they do together is sometimes play video games or watch movies. 

I am also very scared of him. He doesn’t hurt us physically but psychologically with lots of passive aggression in his voice and poise, I feel when he talks is as if keeps trying to punish us for something with his voice and such all pleasure out of our life. Saying that occasionally he can be kind and considerate.

He was divorced when I met him and one of the main reasons I liked him was because he told me horrible things about his ex and I thought he must have suffered a lot. However I realised that wasn’t the case, more likely the opposite. Lucky for her she had her family support.

His grown up son doesn’t want to speak with him or me since he was a teenager, and said the reason being that he is scared of him. 

i keep dreaming about leaving him but got nowhere to go and no money, no savings., if it’s me I would be gone but I feel I need to stay for our daughter My family lives in another country and I can’t take my daughter there as she doesn’t speak the language, and autism support in schools not so good there.

so I am trying to pretend that it’s ok, as if I complain to him or ask for understanding he gets much worst (although he eventually did change s few small things which give me a bit of break)

I used to have friends and other hobbies and interests, which I had to stop as he would get mad about me going out and doing other stuff, so I do little/not enough for what I need outside the home. And he never wants to go out, unless it’s one interest he’s got beside his work.

The worst thing is that he puts the front for everyone else and mist people think highly of him. And in front of others he behaves ‘normally’ with me - like for example giving me a kiss by the school gate when saying bye. I hate it as he doesn’t do it otherwise. When I told him that a few times he got very angry. He can be funny (like when I met him and first 3 years of our relationship), is super intelligent, and can put on a fancy front. But at home he becomes someone else.

When I suspected that he may be aspergers (as well as his father and brothers) he got really angry with me and I feel he still hasn’t forgiven me that for the last 6 years.

I attended all the meeting and trainings about autism for our daughter I could to know how to help her, for him that is not important and he keeps trying to make her normal by treating her normally (in his own words).

So any ideas on what I can do? (having a low moment now, I don’t always feel as desperate as am keep trying to be positive and looking for solutions).

I would also appreciate a perspective on this situation from someone with ASD.

Thank you!