... who is 60 and won’t admit he has ASD. I suspected it 6 y ago when our daughter was diagnosed. We have been together for 12 years, and I can’t imagine clocking on another one, but I have no other choice as can’t afford to move out and look after our 21 y old daughter.
i just joined this forum and read most posts made about relationships. I have tried almost everything on there including ongoing counselling and other therapies (I refuse to drug myself with medication) but I still feel such a failure and stuck in an impossible situation.
My partner supports us financially paying for the mortgage and most bills, which he hates that I am not earning like him, and I’ve got no choice rather than working part time for more like pocket money, as need time to be with our daughter when she’s not in school.
At home I feel I am something to him in between a piece of furniture and unpaid live in nappy/housekeeper. Any romance died years ago. He gets angry about any small thing, apart from ironing his own shirts he doesn’t do any other housework. I have to cook, clean up afterwards, do the laundry etc. He comes from work and watches telly/videos/play games. If I ask him to do something like for example hang up the washing or do a washing up (we don’t have a dishwasher) he will make such a fuss and do it so badly that I regret asking as I have to go over it.
Our daughter is 11 and scared of him. I don’t like how he is with her, the only thing they do together is sometimes play video games or watch movies.
I am also very scared of him. He doesn’t hurt us physically but psychologically with lots of passive aggression in his voice and poise, I feel when he talks is as if keeps trying to punish us for something with his voice and such all pleasure out of our life. Saying that occasionally he can be kind and considerate.
He was divorced when I met him and one of the main reasons I liked him was because he told me horrible things about his ex and I thought he must have suffered a lot. However I realised that wasn’t the case, more likely the opposite. Lucky for her she had her family support.
His grown up son doesn’t want to speak with him or me since he was a teenager, and said the reason being that he is scared of him.
i keep dreaming about leaving him but got nowhere to go and no money, no savings., if it’s me I would be gone but I feel I need to stay for our daughter My family lives in another country and I can’t take my daughter there as she doesn’t speak the language, and autism support in schools not so good there.
so I am trying to pretend that it’s ok, as if I complain to him or ask for understanding he gets much worst (although he eventually did change s few small things which give me a bit of break)
I used to have friends and other hobbies and interests, which I had to stop as he would get mad about me going out and doing other stuff, so I do little/not enough for what I need outside the home. And he never wants to go out, unless it’s one interest he’s got beside his work.
The worst thing is that he puts the front for everyone else and mist people think highly of him. And in front of others he behaves ‘normally’ with me - like for example giving me a kiss by the school gate when saying bye. I hate it as he doesn’t do it otherwise. When I told him that a few times he got very angry. He can be funny (like when I met him and first 3 years of our relationship), is super intelligent, and can put on a fancy front. But at home he becomes someone else.
When I suspected that he may be aspergers (as well as his father and brothers) he got really angry with me and I feel he still hasn’t forgiven me that for the last 6 years.
I attended all the meeting and trainings about autism for our daughter I could to know how to help her, for him that is not important and he keeps trying to make her normal by treating her normally (in his own words).
So any ideas on what I can do? (having a low moment now, I don’t always feel as desperate as am keep trying to be positive and looking for solutions).
I would also appreciate a perspective on this situation from someone with ASD.
Sorry in the first paragraph should be 11 y old daughter not 21
Can I suggest that you tell all this to your GP and explain how it is making you feel and ask who they may be able to refer you to for help. GP's usually have a long list of resources that they can refer you on to or give you the details of for you to refer yourself.
Hi - Sorry you're in such a bad position.
There can be many things going on from what you've said - and I think a big one is his age - he's approaching retirement age and that can be overwhelmingly stressful for us - the sense of impending doom of the total unknown - the financial worries, the health worries and a realisation of mortality. There's a good chance that he's running all the data in his head and it's not all adding up with a safety margin we require to be comfortable. He may be panicking about the whole thing and, if he has measured that you 'could have done better' through your life he may be internally blaming you for any financial shortfall of his idealised plans.
When I get stressed, I lose the ability to communicate coherently - do you know how stressed he is? He is compelled to behave 'normally' to the outside world because that is 'correct' and he feels he can be off-duty with his family - but that means you get the full brunt of his frustrations, anxiety, stress of the day and you are the punch-bag of all the anger that he can't show anywhere else.
Does he have a passion or hobby? Indulging him deeply for a day out will lower his internal stress to a point where you might be able to talk to him in a rational way. Write everything down so you can present it as plain data that are snags that need to be addressed - if it becomes emotional, it will annoy him and frustrate him so he'll clam up and will be resistant to anything you're talking about.
It's going to be difficult if he cannot see the parallel between himself and his close family.
NAS63962 said:Our daughter is 11 and scared of him. I don’t like how he is with her
NAS63962 said:I used to have friends and other hobbies and interests, which I had to stop as he would get mad about me going out and doing other stuff,
NAS63962 said:I am also very scared of him
These observations describe a lamentable state of affairs. I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation.
Controlling and abusive behaviour is not an autistic trait. It is inexcusable behaviour that can be found in all sections of society. You should not feel that you have to adopt particular strategies in order to accommodate your partner’s failings. It is your partner who needs to revise his behaviour.
As has been suggested, a confidential discussion with your GP may prove productive in terms of a way forward. It would at least grant you another perspective on your marriage.
Do you have a close friend with whom you could discuss your concerns and feelings? It may be a good idea to elicit as many neutral points of view as you can, this will hopefully help you find a way to take control of your life.
I wish you all the best, Graham.
Graham Slight Return said:Controlling and abusive behaviour is not an autistic trait. It is inexcusable behaviour that can be found in all sections of society. You should not feel that you have to adopt particular strategies in order to accommodate your partner’s failings. It is your partner who needs to revise his behaviour.
As an autistic, I agree with this!
I agree too! I'm really sorry to hear you're going through all this. Please take care of yourself and talk to somebody about what's happening.
Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions, I appreciate it.
I haven’t thought of the GP, maybe that’s a good idea.
As long as it doesn’t involve Social services or similar. As when I say we are scared of him, it is not that he will attack us physically - it’s only psychologically, he doesn’t like to feel inadequate/admit he’s wrong/admit he doesn’t know something and jumps up offensively on every little thing as if constantly on guard and uses anger to get his way.
When I learned that he is most likely Aspergers (even though he denies it) which was during an almost relationship break at the time of our daughter diagnosis, I accepted most of his ‘flaws’ as understood that it’s something he can’t change or is very difficult for him, I read some books about it and googled about relationships with ASD person which was almost identical to ours. And to be honest he has toned down the intensity of his emotional ‘attacks’ on me at least 50% since, his swearing is not as bad, and is trying to be softer with our daughter. So I know he is trying/got some message. And even trying to do some ‘normal’ parenting things like going out just two of them etc.
Plastic, your comments are so spot on. If I need to talk with him I have to prepare myself and to be as matter factly as possible. I try to avoid crying at all costs in front of him as that doesn’t go down well.
Yes he is worrying about retirement in 7 years. But he is earning a good money and is good at his job (as long as doesn’t have to manage people),, mortgage about to be paid off, and he has a good inheritance nearly coming. He is angry with me that I don't work more to bring more money home. Which if we were struggling I would be doing, but rather than saving money and having to organise childcare I prefer to be able to do school pick ups and all training/care and other regular things that need to be done. Because he is so worried about money I didn’t want to get married, and also I knew he’d be anxious that I might want to divorce him and than he might have to leave me the flat we live in like he left a house to his ex wife (he asked me twice both time preparing himself as if getting ready to die and than saying how we should get married so to share bank account and if something happens to him it’ll be easier - never mentioning that he loves me - and was actually relieved when I said no even though appeared angry). I don’t own anything in here but I got the possibility of receiving help from my family if I move back to my country so am not bothered too much, and don’t want his money or flat. All I want is for my daughter to be properly cared for. And no, we don’t go to holidays much (apart from visiting my family) as he’s too mean to spend the money, and I don’t have it.
I’ve got a good friend who I talk about it, a few other who know a bit less, and going for some treatments/therapies which keeps me going. But still can’t find the right solution.
He does have a hobby, a type of slow exercise (we used to do it together but he used to make belittling comments about me so I stopped), he even teaches it. I think it helps him to calm him down. But he might come home after the class and a few minutes later have an angry outburst at any tiny little thing...
I am not sure what realistically I can expect in the current situation to change, and am scared of leaving him though would like to.
it would be so nice though if he could admit that he has Aspergers, whether be tested or not, It might make his life so much easier!
thank you all again.
I hope you manage to get some good advice/support from the GP.
I understand that he's going through a lot, but you should never feel emotionally attacked. Psychological attacks can still have a big impact on your emotional wellbeing, so it's really important that you take care of yourself.
I hope you get the support you need - sending best wishes.