Published on 12, July, 2020
My son has ASD diagnosd when he was 4-5y old and I had transferred to a small primary school where he received 1:1 tuition etc. and thrived. The transition to secondary was a nightmare. He couldn't cope from the get go. He's currently in the process of having further assessment for a pervasive developmental disorder. He is highly anxious, a perfectionist and very fearful of mistakes. Parenting requires a lot of intelligence really as he is very articulate but will not accept a mistake he has made. For example, if he's rushing about and slips, it's because there is a problem with the floor. If he's spilt something, it's a problem with the cup. Usually, he never starts a fight or argument at school, but when something happens he retaliates and uses foul language that results in him being complained about. He doesn't accept he's done wrong. He sees things as not being his fault, the other children used bad language but not accepting his use of bad language was ten times worse and something he doesn't even understand. He gets very anxious when something happens and I think he worries he will be blamed. My approach is to focus away from blame, and reassure him he's done nothing wrong. That works in de-escalating the situation. How do I cope with the parenting bit. So later, I will have a chat and say 'next time you run down the stairs to the kitchen, just make sure you're wearing your slippers in case the floor is slippery and you fall' or 'you know when other children call you names and use bad language, I don't think you should use bad language back at them because then they will complain about you, when you should complain to your teacher about them'. If I said to him that he has made a mistake and remember not to do it again, he will get very anxious and confrontational. What other things can I do or say to help in such situations.
Hello - my son who is also 13 is exactly the same - hope that makes you feel better as it does me! My son is never wrong, always has an excuse or answer for everything and never backs down. Quite often rather than let something escalate to all out tantrums we will go along with his reasons or excuses and then talk to him about it at a different time when he has calmed down and not stressing over it. I think my son tries very hard to fit in the "normal" day and he always does what he knows he HAS to do without argument. He gets a lot of tummy problems at school where he is fighting his anxiety and doing things he really doesn't want to do. This must take an awful lot of effort for him so we are willing to back down rather than cause him even more stress, then tackle it later when he's not stressed. I'm sure like my son, your son isn't a brat, he just needs tactical handling! X
Hi. Thanks for that. It's reassuring to know other children behave similarly. I have to constantly put myself in his shoes to understand where he's coming from. He listens once calmed down but I have to be very careful to avoid blame and to explain why it is better for something to be done differently. He doesn't understand use of tact around other people. He challenges things that are wrong and can't compromise. He's very careful and things he does are actually thought out and have a logic behind them. But mistakes will happen and to him, he's not responsible. You learn from your mistakes to grow and improve, does not apply and I believe this makes him anxious as he wants his first attempt to be flawless. If he can't find an explanation he becomes mute because there is one, just that he can't say what it is. In many ways he has superhuman qualities of self-control, following recipes in great detail etc. but he can't accept that following instructions doesn't mean mistakes won't happen as skill is acquired through practice. The arms are not robotic and will tremble and spill although on paper you pick something and place it supposedly without accident. It is hard work for me, exhausting and requires a lot of effort, patience and calmness. You learn to deal differently with him but no one else can. How do you prepare him for the real world?