Teenage Daughter Obsessive Hatred of Mother

Our sixteen year old daughter with high-functioning autism has developed an obsessive hatred of her mother.  If my wife says anything to her it's usually on a polite day "go away" and a normal day something worse. She won't sit at the same table, accept anything from her and would not even open birthday presents.  They used to have a great relationship, but now it's really stressful.  She imparts no information about anything and will accept no guidance or instruction.  Anything her mum asks or has suggested she will do the opposite regardless of consequences.  Almost impossible to manage  and at wit's end.  Have dealt with lots of teenage angst with other siblings, but this is extreme. Any ideas?

Parents
  • Sorry I know this was 5 years ago but I'm a mum going through this with my 16 year old daughter now  it's awful. Did you get help? Did the relationship improve? Have you any advice? 

  • Hi Punchbag, 

    I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing a difficult relationship with your daughter. 

    The NAS website offers advise and guidance on behaviour which may be useful to you: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    I hope this helps. 

    Gina Mod

  • Thank you very much.  I will read through this. 

  • I really feel for you, its so hard feeling like someone you love so much hates you but I will say yes it can get better.  I've had to make a lot of changes that at the time felt like I was allowing the relationship with my daughter to become more distant but its actually now making us a lot closer and happier. 

    On the advice of my husband I just stayed well away from my daughter for about a month.  I didn't ask her for a cuddle, I didn't ask her any questions about her day, I didn't remind her about anything.  We barely spoke. It was hard but then she started to come to me. At first I would recommend to just listen to your daughter when she comes to you.  Don't ask any questions or give any advice unless she asks you to. She had over heard me crying to her dad, saying how my daughter not giving me any physical affection really hurts me and that my feelings matter too. This seemed to have an affect as she will now come and ask for a hug before bed every evening even though she stands stiff as a board hating it.

    Also she likes to go on walks so sometimes we go together and I have taken this calm time to explain that I want to get to know how her brain works because we have very different communication styles and if I can understand how she thinks and she understands how I think we could get along much better.  She is opening up about things that I had no idea about.  Why certain things make her feel so angry etc.  I've been able to give her ideas on how to not upset/offend others. We have both given eachother rules/boundaries. We are doing so much better than we were 12 months ago. I'm not worried anymore that as an adult she will have nothing to do with me. Things aren't perfect but I think we will get there. I hope this helps your family.

Reply
  • I really feel for you, its so hard feeling like someone you love so much hates you but I will say yes it can get better.  I've had to make a lot of changes that at the time felt like I was allowing the relationship with my daughter to become more distant but its actually now making us a lot closer and happier. 

    On the advice of my husband I just stayed well away from my daughter for about a month.  I didn't ask her for a cuddle, I didn't ask her any questions about her day, I didn't remind her about anything.  We barely spoke. It was hard but then she started to come to me. At first I would recommend to just listen to your daughter when she comes to you.  Don't ask any questions or give any advice unless she asks you to. She had over heard me crying to her dad, saying how my daughter not giving me any physical affection really hurts me and that my feelings matter too. This seemed to have an affect as she will now come and ask for a hug before bed every evening even though she stands stiff as a board hating it.

    Also she likes to go on walks so sometimes we go together and I have taken this calm time to explain that I want to get to know how her brain works because we have very different communication styles and if I can understand how she thinks and she understands how I think we could get along much better.  She is opening up about things that I had no idea about.  Why certain things make her feel so angry etc.  I've been able to give her ideas on how to not upset/offend others. We have both given eachother rules/boundaries. We are doing so much better than we were 12 months ago. I'm not worried anymore that as an adult she will have nothing to do with me. Things aren't perfect but I think we will get there. I hope this helps your family.

Children
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