Teenage Daughter Obsessive Hatred of Mother

Our sixteen year old daughter with high-functioning autism has developed an obsessive hatred of her mother.  If my wife says anything to her it's usually on a polite day "go away" and a normal day something worse. She won't sit at the same table, accept anything from her and would not even open birthday presents.  They used to have a great relationship, but now it's really stressful.  She imparts no information about anything and will accept no guidance or instruction.  Anything her mum asks or has suggested she will do the opposite regardless of consequences.  Almost impossible to manage  and at wit's end.  Have dealt with lots of teenage angst with other siblings, but this is extreme. Any ideas?

  • No I haven't had any help, we are currently waiting for an official autism diagnosis in the hope that there then might be some advice given to us. However things have improved slightly. We've managed to have a few discussions (myself and my daughter) about what is that I do that makes her feel so angry towards me and we have made a few rules that I try my best to stick to even though it can be very annoying at times to avoid triggering her. For example when she arrives home from school I do not speak to her at all for at least 30 minutes to give her time to regulate herself after having to socialise all day at school. After her 30 minutes she is ready to answer one or 2 questions. I never remind her about anything even if this means it causes her a problem,  because she hates being reminded because she can remember things for herself. I do not hug or touch her unless she asks me to, which is very difficult. These changes as silly as they may seem and some are upsetting for me have made my daughter calmer and nicer to be around.  Obviously your daughters issues may be different.  Hope this helps your family as it can be very painful at times.

  • Did you get any help for this issue? I am dealing with something similar with my ASC daughter who is now refusing to interact with her Mum (to put it politely)

  • Thank you very much.  I will read through this. 

  • Hi Punchbag, 

    I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing a difficult relationship with your daughter. 

    The NAS website offers advise and guidance on behaviour which may be useful to you: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    I hope this helps. 

    Gina Mod

  • Sorry I know this was 5 years ago but I'm a mum going through this with my 16 year old daughter now  it's awful. Did you get help? Did the relationship improve? Have you any advice? 

  • People with autism hate dealing with chaos and unpredictability and seek out peace and calm - and it helps if all house rules are completely logical and sensible - does anyone ever say "because I say so" and not give reasons?    This causes all sorts of logic problems if things don't make sense.

    Does you daughter have a safe-space where she can go and calm down or is she forced to be around people all the time?

    What does she do to decompress from the stress of her days?     Does she have any friends at school/socially?

  • No real idea what the trigger was- developed over a couple of months. She will not confide in family 

  • Do you have any idea what triggered this behaviour?    Is anyone else in the family able to speak to her to mediate?   Grandmother, Cousins etc?