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Teenage Daughter Obsessive Hatred of Mother

NAS63565

Our sixteen year old daughter with high-functioning autism has developed an obsessive hatred of her mother.  If my wife says anything to her it's usually on a polite day "go away" and a normal day something worse. She won't sit at the same table, accept anything from her and would not even open birthday presents.  They used to have a great relationship, but now it's really stressful.  She imparts no information about anything and will accept no guidance or instruction.  Anything her mum asks or has suggested she will do the opposite regardless of consequences.  Almost impossible to manage  and at wit's end.  Have dealt with lots of teenage angst with other siblings, but this is extreme. Any ideas?

  • in reply to 1234

    I really feel for you, its so hard feeling like someone you love so much hates you but I will say yes it can get better.  I've had to make a lot of changes that at the time felt like I was allowing the relationship with my daughter to become more distant but its actually now making us a lot closer and happier. 

    On the advice of my husband I just stayed well away from my daughter for about a month.  I didn't ask her for a cuddle, I didn't ask her any questions about her day, I didn't remind her about anything.  We barely spoke. It was hard but then she started to come to me. At first I would recommend to just listen to your daughter when she comes to you.  Don't ask any questions or give any advice unless she asks you to. She had over heard me crying to her dad, saying how my daughter not giving me any physical affection really hurts me and that my feelings matter too. This seemed to have an affect as she will now come and ask for a hug before bed every evening even though she stands stiff as a board hating it.

    Also she likes to go on walks so sometimes we go together and I have taken this calm time to explain that I want to get to know how her brain works because we have very different communication styles and if I can understand how she thinks and she understands how I think we could get along much better.  She is opening up about things that I had no idea about.  Why certain things make her feel so angry etc.  I've been able to give her ideas on how to not upset/offend others. We have both given eachother rules/boundaries. We are doing so much better than we were 12 months ago. I'm not worried anymore that as an adult she will have nothing to do with me. Things aren't perfect but I think we will get there. I hope this helps your family.

  • in reply to Punchbag

    Oh my goodness this is us! I am about at breaking point. I feel like my daughter completely despises me, I seem to trigger her so much just by breathing some days! It's making me question everything about myself. I'm not allowed to touch my daughter, remind her about anything, shower, homework etc ask to many questions, so many rules! Yet she tells me how to drive, when to change gear, say thank you to other drivers, extremely controlling. I feel like I need to carry a recorder around with me at the moment as everything i say gets twisted. I am so desperately trying to help and support her but she won't let me in and is repulsed by everything I do or say. Please help or tell me things get better for both of us, i feel like our family is falling apart Pray 

  • in reply to Mr_Smith

    No I haven't had any help, we are currently waiting for an official autism diagnosis in the hope that there then might be some advice given to us. However things have improved slightly. We've managed to have a few discussions (myself and my daughter) about what is that I do that makes her feel so angry towards me and we have made a few rules that I try my best to stick to even though it can be very annoying at times to avoid triggering her. For example when she arrives home from school I do not speak to her at all for at least 30 minutes to give her time to regulate herself after having to socialise all day at school. After her 30 minutes she is ready to answer one or 2 questions. I never remind her about anything even if this means it causes her a problem,  because she hates being reminded because she can remember things for herself. I do not hug or touch her unless she asks me to, which is very difficult. These changes as silly as they may seem and some are upsetting for me have made my daughter calmer and nicer to be around.  Obviously your daughters issues may be different.  Hope this helps your family as it can be very painful at times.

  • in reply to Punchbag

    Did you get any help for this issue? I am dealing with something similar with my ASC daughter who is now refusing to interact with her Mum (to put it politely)

  • in reply to Gina Mod

    Thank you very much.  I will read through this. 

  • in reply to Punchbag

    Hi Punchbag, 

    I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing a difficult relationship with your daughter. 

    The NAS website offers advise and guidance on behaviour which may be useful to you: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    I hope this helps. 

    Gina Mod

  • Sorry I know this was 5 years ago but I'm a mum going through this with my 16 year old daughter now  it's awful. Did you get help? Did the relationship improve? Have you any advice? 

  • in reply to NAS63565

    People with autism hate dealing with chaos and unpredictability and seek out peace and calm - and it helps if all house rules are completely logical and sensible - does anyone ever say "because I say so" and not give reasons?    This causes all sorts of logic problems if things don't make sense.

    Does you daughter have a safe-space where she can go and calm down or is she forced to be around people all the time?

    What does she do to decompress from the stress of her days?     Does she have any friends at school/socially?

  • in reply to Plastic

    No real idea what the trigger was- developed over a couple of months. She will not confide in family 

  • Do you have any idea what triggered this behaviour?    Is anyone else in the family able to speak to her to mediate?   Grandmother, Cousins etc?