Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all. This is the first time posting so not really sure how much to say or what’s acceptable.
Im on holiday with my little boy, currently under assessment and really quite behavioural due to disruption in his routine with school hols, etc. My boy is 5yrs and has a twin brother.
Only our first day and he is on the ceiling. So stressed and sensory overload going on. Just had a massive row with other half because when my boy is hurting and says hurtful things, causes scenes and has his moments, frankly I don’t know what to do to help so my reaction is to row with OH. Obviously this doesn’t help and I’m not happy at all. In fact, I’m just sat on the balcony whilst the other three are down by the pool because I just needed some time out. I’ve just sat and cried for the past hour really. He’s not usually this overwhelmed when we travel and just gets on with things but I feel like as he gets older the behaviour becomes more significant and the gap between him and his peers ever so much more noticeable.
Sorry to whinge, I’m not even sure what response I’m looking for, I’m just feeling a bit at the end of my tether at the moment and feel like after only 1 day I want to go home. Also worried about my relationship with OH. Just feel like he always just ignores when I try and raise the issues with my boy, like he doesn’t see anything wrong at all, then when we have these episodes he suddenly become the professional, ie: this is what we need to be doing/ should have done/ what he needs etc. All very frustrating and painful.
Thanks if you have read this far. Xx
Hi - Sorry to hear your having a rough time. I'm a twin and I'm ASD and my brother is NT.
From what you say, it sounds like your husband could be very high functioning ASD too - one of our traits is not being able to understand all the complex emotions of relationships when things are out of control. Our mask allows us to hide in plain sight as long as everything is on an even keel. One of our annoying traits is that when you become emotional, we drop into problem solving mode rather than listening to your pain. We function well with logic and controlled solutions - chaos confuses and stresses us out - so we avoid it.
I remember growing up and measuring everything around me and not understanding why people behaved in the way they did - it all seemed so chaotic and irrational. I used to get very stressed when people did things that I considered wrong or without reason.
How adaptable is your son? As I mentioned above, we don't deal with chaos or change well so one useful tactic is spending a lot of time before any major change explaining what is coming up - how it will work, what are the good things to look for and what are the pitfalls - and supply possible strategies for what to do if bad things come up - give a list of options that are more predictable so your son is more armed with a selection of behaviours rather than all or nothing.
A holiday is a massive, sudden change - there are no safe-spaces, nothing is predictable, nothing is familiar. Even the food could be unfamiliar. From your son's point of view, he's lost - and the people are the only things he can recognise so they will be the focus of whatever is going on for him.
Do you take a selection of his personal toys or books with you? Do you tell him all about what's coming up weeks in advance so he can get used to the idea - and then tell him more about the hotel and what there is to do there etc. so he can build a safe model in his head so he can slowly get comfortable with the idea which reduces the anxiety he will feel about the whole terrifying experience.
Think of it as a loooooong sales-pitch where you highlight the good in great detail - be honest - lying will confuse the issues - but give him all the details and what he needs to do if he gets overloaded and needs to escape from the environment for a little while. It would be helpful to him if you were explaining every step of the holiday - from leaving the house to getting back home.
The more 'knowns' you can build into the system, the more comfortable he will be. Unknowns = stress = potential behaviour triggers.
Great advice as always.
You wrote...
....this is still how I am! Any tips to overcome it as I find the world so frustrating! I'm almost 40!