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Taking things personally

NAS63253

hi there, 

im new to this site. My 11 yr old son is in the process of being assessed for ASD. Now I know the traits of high functioning ASD / Asperger I recognise  My partner of 30 years probably is also on the spectrum. I have loads of questions!!!!! One that came up tonight... is it a trait of ASD to take things personally and not be able to laugh at yourself ? Given I’m now aware of these traits during a conversation tonight, which was very light hearted my husband basically took the huff because he didn’t know what a phrase was. I couldn’t understand why he was in a huff about it. He says he feels like I’m laughing at him. And is annoyed with himself which makes him worse. We were able to talk about it which was good. So is not being able to laugh at yourself a trait ? And does anyone have any suggestions as to how this situation can be managed without turning into an argument? 

Parents

  • If your husband has ASD, then it's very likely that he's been bullied in the past so has his guard up against being made foolish.    It's also very hard for us to work out people's true intentions (a reason why we get bullied) so you may have triggered past memories of that bullying and he's confused because he wouldn't be expecting you to do that.

    The huff is his way of disguising his hurt - it's easier to look annoyed than frightened or stupid.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Thanks for this. It makes sense as He was bullied as a child. Knowing now he may have ASD explains a lot. A common response after a heated discussion is that “ it doesn’t process “ 

    What advice would you suggest to help ? Like that example. So even though time and time again I’ve told him it’s not personal or opinions are allowed and not an attack he will initially have same reaction. Which I’m thinking won’t change however what could help him recognise that person isn’t trying to be mean ? 

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  • in reply to Plastic

    Thanks for this. It makes sense as He was bullied as a child. Knowing now he may have ASD explains a lot. A common response after a heated discussion is that “ it doesn’t process “ 

    What advice would you suggest to help ? Like that example. So even though time and time again I’ve told him it’s not personal or opinions are allowed and not an attack he will initially have same reaction. Which I’m thinking won’t change however what could help him recognise that person isn’t trying to be mean ? 

Children
  • in reply to NAS63253
    NAS63253 said:

    Thanks for this. It makes sense as He was bullied as a child. Knowing now he may have ASD explains a lot. A common response after a heated discussion is that “ it doesn’t process “ 

    What advice would you suggest to help ? Like that example. So even though time and time again I’ve told him it’s not personal or opinions are allowed and not an attack he will initially have same reaction. Which I’m thinking won’t change however what could help him recognise that person isn’t trying to be mean ?

    In The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwood, which you can buy for just under £20, or get free by PDF using the following link:

    http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf

    Social Understanding and Friendship is covered from page 67 to 106 ~ involving Humour from page 87, and Teasing and Bullying is covered from page 107 to 123.

    You may well find these subjects particularly informative, and the book as a whole particularly useful in general for all concerned quite possibly.

  • in reply to NAS63253

    If your son is being diagnosed, he's probably spotted he has similar behaviours so he's probably put 2 and 2 together and figured out his own diagnosis.   This will cause him a lot of problems as he starts to realise that his whole life has been a lie - all of the bad interactions were because of his behaviour rather than him being unlucky.

    We tend to over-process things because we cannot immediately judge situations so we run them over and over in our mind until the most probable solution works out - which may not be a good solution - we eventually realise we've been used or abused and we were stupid not to spot it.

    It makes us feel very vulnerable - it's kinda frightening to realise you're emotionally immature in a world of efficient predators, users and abusers.

    This will dent his trust in the world - and maybe in you - he will be reprocessing all of your relationship to try to gain stability in his mind.

    You might want to chat to him about it all to reassure him about your feelings and intentions - and that if you accidentally upset him, it's unintentional - and for him to let you know when he's in uncomfortable situations.