Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

I am the flip side of this so maybe I can give you some insight from an AS perspective. (It's still all very new to me and my NT partner). We are total opposites and clash on almost everything, but we love each other very much which caused confusion as to why we could no longer get on..

Here are a few example from my point of view:

• In an argument I instantly go on the defensive, she pours her emotions out (simply to vent and 'let it all out') but I lock mine away so I come across as cold, calculated and heartlessly logical. The out pour of emotion totally overwhelms me which is why I lock mine away, I conflict with them - I don't understand them. I try to solve everything in one go and get angry as to why on Earth she isn't listening, surely this is what she wants! (Probably more a generic male/female thing but blown up with the NT/AS thing)
• I take her emotions personally, afterwards I feel exhausted and responsible and go into myself. I become mute and unresponsive and go into a state of depression - a dark cloud comes I can't shift. This comes across to her like I don't care, I'm blocking her out and purposely ignoring her. I'm not, I'm overwhelming sad but just can't say.
• An attack on her is an attack on me. Her past, her job, a bad conversation she had with a friend, anything. I have her back but, again, it comes out wrong. I can only express my concerns in anger directed at her. I should say I love you, hold her tight and comfort her but my instinct tells me to fight for her. Anger is the easiest emotion to express and usually the only one that freely comes out. We both end up feeling worse off.
• I need to shut myself away from the world sometimes, entirely. This behaviour comes across as abandonment, she used to take it personally that I didn't want to be with her. I just didn't want to be in world at that moment, it was nothing to do with her. I used to avoid getting alone time because of the effect it had on my family but in doing so would almost certainly makes things worse. (I felt trapped)
• To me her presence in the same room as me is enough - I know she loves me very much and would believe that until she tells me otherwise. In other words I don't need to be hugged or be told 'I love you'. This doesn't come naturally to me, which has an effect on her. She needs constant loving reassurance (which I'm fine with, I'm just awful at doing it!). Again, I come across as cold and get confused when she brings it up because 'I do tell you I love you?!'. Why do you need to be told all the time? The answer is brilliantly simple (and helped me understand her): because it's nice!
• The right words are often in my head and I desperately try to say them but that would mean making myself vulnerable and displaying a set of emotions I'm not comfortable with. They stay in my head and the wrong ones come out. I punish myself for this, over and over.
• Nearly all of my battles are invisible and only the negative output is seen. 

We're both working through our differences and we're enjoying jumping into each other's worlds. We both read and research how are brains are wired and why we clash and what we can do about that. Life's getting much better. We're a partnership meaning it shouldn't be one-sided - it's not up to her to adapt to me or vice versa. We're in this together. The discoveries are often huge milestones, everything makes sense and aligns - it's wonderful! It's worth remembering in a population of 2, where both are different, there is no majority!

This is so powerful to hear. Thank you so much. I know that my partner has felt the same way in the past, as he has said some of these things to me. In fact I am going to save your reply as an image on my phone – to read when I feel like its all my fault! Deep down I do know that we are just so different, it’s the love that makes us try and understand one another and create the relationship that we have. When you said anger is the easiest emotion to express, wow. You are absolutely right. I know that, on top of the AS/NT difference there is a lot of  feminine/masculine stuff going on too. I will also try and remember that the stuff I am being shown is mostly the external surface symptoms of the problem and not actually what is going on. It may be as you say that my partner feels time alone would be beneficial and I know that he feels affection is, over all, unnecessary! I don’t think he ever doubts my feelings towards him if I don’t say anything for example. Honestly your reply has meant so much. I will re-read it and reflect on your points.

Hi Nick, I've been reading your posts and replies and I don't know how much help I can be but I thought I'd share a bit about my relationship in case it gives you any other perspectives.

I'm a middle aged female "Aspie" and I've been with my partner (also on the spectrum) for 40 years. Unfortunately we didn't know until a few years ago that we were AS - we didn't even understand what autism was for the majority of our relationship!

Despite both being Aspies, being different genders makes a difference plus we have different personalities and had different childhood experiences, which means we can react differently.

We have had plenty of arguments over the years, but finding out about how Autism affects people and how we are different to most other people has made a difference. We have been able to discuss what things trigger our anxiety and our reactions to them, so we are more aware of each others state of mind. I explained that if I go quiet and cry, it's an involuntary autistic "meltdown" and I just need some quiet time to calm down and get my emotions under control. I realised that I was often not telling him what I wanted to do in advance, but getting annoyed when he wasn't ready to do what I had planned in my own mind but had forgotten to tell him! We're also both more mindful of when something is bothering us - for instance if we're out in a shopping centre or on a bus where one of us is getting overwhelmed by a sensory input, we'll just say we need to get out, and the other one will know that something is wrong and cooperate with leaving that situation to prevent stress levels rising . I believe it's stress that causes most arguments, in my experience.

Many books focus on autism and how it affects people, but us Aspies need to know how to understand NT people too. The book that helped me most with this was "A Field guide to Earthlings" ( an Asperger guide to NTs) by Ian Ford.

Nick said:

Even though I would like him with me more, and polishing the car less!

You definitely need to feel that he is with you 'enough'. You need this need to be met, but probably in a different way. It won't necessarily be chatting all the time, you need to find your signals and your rituals. 

Consider what could be an acceptable to you signal that your partner is with you when he is polishing the car? Or how can you signal to each-other that you are back together after polishing the car. Those routines and little things.

Nick said:

Even though I would like him with me more, and polishing the car less!

You definitely need to feel that he is with you 'enough'. You need this need to be met, but probably in a different way. It won't necessarily be chatting all the time, you need to find your signals and your rituals. 

Consider what could be an acceptable to you signal that your partner is with you when he is polishing the car? Or how can you signal to each-other that you are back together after polishing the car. Those routines and little things.