• Replies 35 replies
  • Subscribers 72 subscribers
  • Views 9792 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick

I need a little support really. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there in a relationship with someone with AS?..

I feel terribly alone and my self-confidence seems to be melting!

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

I’ve always tried to be open and understanding - but more recently the invalidation I’m experiencing and the lack of understanding is eating away at me, and I’m becoming depressed instead.

I feel as though for every one thing I do, there’s three things I’ve done wrong. Even if it’s terribly mundane, like using the word considerate instead of respectful or getting my own drink when I could have asked for one. 

The talks on why he didn’t do anything wrong and how I’m wrong about my feelings and have to be quiet go on for a long time, they interfere with our life together. And I am then blamed for getting upset in the first place and taking up so much time. I just want a way out of it. 

My partner is terribly defensive and can’t stand me becoming upset about anything he has done or said. I try to deny and hide my feelings, although it doesn’t feel ‘right’. And I think it’s a part of why I am feeling so low. That and he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, so instead complains, critiques, and doesn’t engage with anything.

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own. And whether it’s selfish of me to even try and foster an emotional love relationship.

We have tried relationship counselling, which hasn’t gone well (mainly due to the counsellor I feel) and he has seen a ‘regular’ counsellor who didn’t seem to have a working knowledge of ASCs - who annoyed him because they told him if he was unhappy being in a relationship he should leave me. It all seems to deeply confuse and frustrate him more.

Looking to chat, and listen to support for either me or my partner really. I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

At the moment I get upset or shut myself up, cause I’ve come to learn my emotions are a problem. 

Thank you all in advance x

Parents

  • I am the flip side of this so maybe I can give you some insight from an AS perspective. (It's still all very new to me and my NT partner). We are total opposites and clash on almost everything, but we love each other very much which caused confusion as to why we could no longer get on..

    Here are a few example from my point of view:

    • In an argument I instantly go on the defensive, she pours her emotions out (simply to vent and 'let it all out') but I lock mine away so I come across as cold, calculated and heartlessly logical. The out pour of emotion totally overwhelms me which is why I lock mine away, I conflict with them - I don't understand them. I try to solve everything in one go and get angry as to why on Earth she isn't listening, surely this is what she wants! (Probably more a generic male/female thing but blown up with the NT/AS thing)
    • I take her emotions personally, afterwards I feel exhausted and responsible and go into myself. I become mute and unresponsive and go into a state of depression - a dark cloud comes I can't shift. This comes across to her like I don't care, I'm blocking her out and purposely ignoring her. I'm not, I'm overwhelming sad but just can't say.
    • An attack on her is an attack on me. Her past, her job, a bad conversation she had with a friend, anything. I have her back but, again, it comes out wrong. I can only express my concerns in anger directed at her. I should say I love you, hold her tight and comfort her but my instinct tells me to fight for her. Anger is the easiest emotion to express and usually the only one that freely comes out. We both end up feeling worse off.
    • I need to shut myself away from the world sometimes, entirely. This behaviour comes across as abandonment, she used to take it personally that I didn't want to be with her. I just didn't want to be in world at that moment, it was nothing to do with her. I used to avoid getting alone time because of the effect it had on my family but in doing so would almost certainly makes things worse. (I felt trapped)
    • To me her presence in the same room as me is enough - I know she loves me very much and would believe that until she tells me otherwise. In other words I don't need to be hugged or be told 'I love you'. This doesn't come naturally to me, which has an effect on her. She needs constant loving reassurance (which I'm fine with, I'm just awful at doing it!). Again, I come across as cold and get confused when she brings it up because 'I do tell you I love you?!'. Why do you need to be told all the time? The answer is brilliantly simple (and helped me understand her): because it's nice!
    • The right words are often in my head and I desperately try to say them but that would mean making myself vulnerable and displaying a set of emotions I'm not comfortable with. They stay in my head and the wrong ones come out. I punish myself for this, over and over.
    • Nearly all of my battles are invisible and only the negative output is seen. 

    We're both working through our differences and we're enjoying jumping into each other's worlds. We both read and research how are brains are wired and why we clash and what we can do about that. Life's getting much better. We're a partnership meaning it shouldn't be one-sided - it's not up to her to adapt to me or vice versa. We're in this together. The discoveries are often huge milestones, everything makes sense and aligns - it's wonderful! It's worth remembering in a population of 2, where both are different, there is no majority!

  • in reply to blank_smile

    This is so powerful to hear. Thank you so much. I know that my partner has felt the same way in the past, as he has said some of these things to me. In fact I am going to save your reply as an image on my phone – to read when I feel like its all my fault! Deep down I do know that we are just so different, it’s the love that makes us try and understand one another and create the relationship that we have. When you said anger is the easiest emotion to express, wow. You are absolutely right. I know that, on top of the AS/NT difference there is a lot of  feminine/masculine stuff going on too. I will also try and remember that the stuff I am being shown is mostly the external surface symptoms of the problem and not actually what is going on. It may be as you say that my partner feels time alone would be beneficial and I know that he feels affection is, over all, unnecessary! I don’t think he ever doubts my feelings towards him if I don’t say anything for example. Honestly your reply has meant so much. I will re-read it and reflect on your points.

  • in reply to Nick

    No problem, I'm glad that helped.

    As Pixiefox has recommended, "A Field Guide to Earthlings" is a fantastic and powerful read. I thought I knew a lot because I've managed to 'fit in' socially for so many years, turns out I don't know much at all!! It seems the older I get, the less able I am to mask myself. I'll leave you with a funny example:

    At my nephew's birthday party yesterday (a big, loud soft play place for kids! I did have an urge to get out but on the whole I was fine) I was talking to a family friend. We're both into cars and he asked how my focus was (meaning my car). I looked at him confused as to what he was asking and I said 'Sharp thanks. Why you asking??'. Confused to my weird response he then asked 'How's your Ford Focus?'. I then felt a bit daft but it's these things I'm starting to smile at now. With all the darkness, there's lots of light too!

Reply
  • in reply to Nick

    No problem, I'm glad that helped.

    As Pixiefox has recommended, "A Field Guide to Earthlings" is a fantastic and powerful read. I thought I knew a lot because I've managed to 'fit in' socially for so many years, turns out I don't know much at all!! It seems the older I get, the less able I am to mask myself. I'll leave you with a funny example:

    At my nephew's birthday party yesterday (a big, loud soft play place for kids! I did have an urge to get out but on the whole I was fine) I was talking to a family friend. We're both into cars and he asked how my focus was (meaning my car). I looked at him confused as to what he was asking and I said 'Sharp thanks. Why you asking??'. Confused to my weird response he then asked 'How's your Ford Focus?'. I then felt a bit daft but it's these things I'm starting to smile at now. With all the darkness, there's lots of light too!

Children
No Data