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Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick

I need a little support really. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there in a relationship with someone with AS?..

I feel terribly alone and my self-confidence seems to be melting!

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

I’ve always tried to be open and understanding - but more recently the invalidation I’m experiencing and the lack of understanding is eating away at me, and I’m becoming depressed instead.

I feel as though for every one thing I do, there’s three things I’ve done wrong. Even if it’s terribly mundane, like using the word considerate instead of respectful or getting my own drink when I could have asked for one. 

The talks on why he didn’t do anything wrong and how I’m wrong about my feelings and have to be quiet go on for a long time, they interfere with our life together. And I am then blamed for getting upset in the first place and taking up so much time. I just want a way out of it. 

My partner is terribly defensive and can’t stand me becoming upset about anything he has done or said. I try to deny and hide my feelings, although it doesn’t feel ‘right’. And I think it’s a part of why I am feeling so low. That and he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, so instead complains, critiques, and doesn’t engage with anything.

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own. And whether it’s selfish of me to even try and foster an emotional love relationship.

We have tried relationship counselling, which hasn’t gone well (mainly due to the counsellor I feel) and he has seen a ‘regular’ counsellor who didn’t seem to have a working knowledge of ASCs - who annoyed him because they told him if he was unhappy being in a relationship he should leave me. It all seems to deeply confuse and frustrate him more.

Looking to chat, and listen to support for either me or my partner really. I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

At the moment I get upset or shut myself up, cause I’ve come to learn my emotions are a problem. 

Thank you all in advance x

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  • Nick said:
    like using the word considerate instead of respectful

    Reading that part was a bit much for me. There's traits, triggers, and things you have to adapt to in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself, but that just sounds like a nightmare. Bordering on abusive control. I can understand a lot of stuff, but that just sounds too much. I'm not going to defend something like that just because he shares the same condition as me.

    Nick said:
    I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own.

    The question here is would you? Sounds like you will bend over backwards, and you are putting in all the effort and getting even more flak for doing so.

    It's fine being NT, it's fine being autistic, it's not fine being a controlling abusive ***.

  • in reply to Cloudy Mountains

    Thank you for your response. It does all get a little much. Which is why I’m here!

    I have tried in the past to explain why it is impossible for me to get everything right – but it seems to upset things more. It is as though saying sorry, and addressing some behaviours is viewed as a weakness sometimes. A discussion is frequently steered towards who was ‘right’ and who was ‘wrong’. And it’s me that’s making things complicated by not just being out right.

    Truth be told, I go through periods of exhaustion - and I’m there at the moment. Just some responsibility for the exchange between us would give me a little weight off. I feel our relationship has the capacity to be an understanding place. But the constant nit picking is wearing me.

    I would like him to come down to where I know him, I am happy with him overall - just not in inescapable times like this.

  • in reply to Nick

    This is why you need to break thing ping-pong dynamic of over-reaction and counteraction of the other's supposed incorrectly assumed intentions  The main underlying problem is not who is right or wrong. 

    It fact, nobody is neither right nor wrong, you both are misreading and misunderstanding each other and are both pushing each-other's buttons so each feels they are right and the other is unreasonable.

    Of course channeling frustration towards the partner is wrong. But this is the unsuitable reaction that is secondary and should disappear if the primary problem of mutual understanding and effective communication is resolved.

    The main thing is to establish true mutual understanding, then you both would stop triggering each-other and feeling being wronged.

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  • in reply to Nick

    This is why you need to break thing ping-pong dynamic of over-reaction and counteraction of the other's supposed incorrectly assumed intentions  The main underlying problem is not who is right or wrong. 

    It fact, nobody is neither right nor wrong, you both are misreading and misunderstanding each other and are both pushing each-other's buttons so each feels they are right and the other is unreasonable.

    Of course channeling frustration towards the partner is wrong. But this is the unsuitable reaction that is secondary and should disappear if the primary problem of mutual understanding and effective communication is resolved.

    The main thing is to establish true mutual understanding, then you both would stop triggering each-other and feeling being wronged.

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