Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick said:

like using the word considerate instead of respectful

Reading that part was a bit much for me. There's traits, triggers, and things you have to adapt to in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself, but that just sounds like a nightmare. Bordering on abusive control. I can understand a lot of stuff, but that just sounds too much. I'm not going to defend something like that just because he shares the same condition as me.

Nick said:

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own.

The question here is would you? Sounds like you will bend over backwards, and you are putting in all the effort and getting even more flak for doing so.

It's fine being NT, it's fine being autistic, it's not fine being a controlling abusive ***.

Thank you for your response. It does all get a little much. Which is why I’m here!

I have tried in the past to explain why it is impossible for me to get everything right – but it seems to upset things more. It is as though saying sorry, and addressing some behaviours is viewed as a weakness sometimes. A discussion is frequently steered towards who was ‘right’ and who was ‘wrong’. And it’s me that’s making things complicated by not just being out right.

Truth be told, I go through periods of exhaustion - and I’m there at the moment. Just some responsibility for the exchange between us would give me a little weight off. I feel our relationship has the capacity to be an understanding place. But the constant nit picking is wearing me.

I would like him to come down to where I know him, I am happy with him overall - just not in inescapable times like this.

No problem at all Nick. It's obvious you care a lot about him.

Nick said:

It is as though saying sorry, and addressing some behaviours is viewed as a weakness sometimes. A discussion is frequently steered towards who was ‘right’ and who was ‘wrong’. And it’s me that’s making things complicated by not just being out right.

In the situation you are in it should be a two way conversation when it comes to discussing behaviours, you can interchange "right" with "the outcome that suits" and "wrong" with "the outcome that doesn't suit" sometimes, right and wrong can be so subjective. Just make sure you don't confuse the two. It helps both people. You can't let someone be constantly "in the right", because inevitably they will think that they are, and that can create a dynamic where you will just get crushed. It's also not good for the other person, they become untouchable in their own mind. Autistic people mostly like to be told honestly what the situation is. I was in my longest relationship for 10 years, with an NT partner, it lasted so long because she told me honestly what she felt needed to be said, and vice versa. Sometimes she'd tell me I was being a ***, and sometimes I needed to be told that!

Nick said:

Truth be told, I go through periods of exhaustion - and I’m there at the moment. Just some responsibility for the exchange between us would give me a little weight off. I feel our relationship has the capacity to be an understanding place. But the constant nit picking is wearing me.

From reading some of the stuff you've written it seems to me, for what that's worth, that when you try ro compromise, you may be being used as a release valve for his negative emotions that may not be anything to do with the problem you are addressing. That isn't fair, and shouldn't be stood for. When the sphere of what the problem is moves outside of that discussion, and on to other issues he might have with you, recognise it.

I hope you can preserve your relationship, but don't let it be at each others detriment.

All the best.

No problem at all Nick. It's obvious you care a lot about him.

Nick said:

It is as though saying sorry, and addressing some behaviours is viewed as a weakness sometimes. A discussion is frequently steered towards who was ‘right’ and who was ‘wrong’. And it’s me that’s making things complicated by not just being out right.

In the situation you are in it should be a two way conversation when it comes to discussing behaviours, you can interchange "right" with "the outcome that suits" and "wrong" with "the outcome that doesn't suit" sometimes, right and wrong can be so subjective. Just make sure you don't confuse the two. It helps both people. You can't let someone be constantly "in the right", because inevitably they will think that they are, and that can create a dynamic where you will just get crushed. It's also not good for the other person, they become untouchable in their own mind. Autistic people mostly like to be told honestly what the situation is. I was in my longest relationship for 10 years, with an NT partner, it lasted so long because she told me honestly what she felt needed to be said, and vice versa. Sometimes she'd tell me I was being a ***, and sometimes I needed to be told that!

Nick said:

Truth be told, I go through periods of exhaustion - and I’m there at the moment. Just some responsibility for the exchange between us would give me a little weight off. I feel our relationship has the capacity to be an understanding place. But the constant nit picking is wearing me.

From reading some of the stuff you've written it seems to me, for what that's worth, that when you try ro compromise, you may be being used as a release valve for his negative emotions that may not be anything to do with the problem you are addressing. That isn't fair, and shouldn't be stood for. When the sphere of what the problem is moves outside of that discussion, and on to other issues he might have with you, recognise it.

I hope you can preserve your relationship, but don't let it be at each others detriment.

All the best.

Nick said:

Thank you so much again. This all makes so much sense. Today when our plans were scrambled, I approached things so differently and it’s was fine (after an hour). I need to be the partner, not the impartial listener - as you say, we all carry baggage... I have always tried to be the ‘emotional care taker’ and funnily enough my partner has been the caretaker in previous relationships too...

No problem at all Nick, like I said I'm glad to give some insight, if I can. I was always very meticulous with planning and time, so I get that sort of situation. My ex was the opposite, but over time things met in the middle. She'd just take it in her stride, and I'd be wound up like a spring. She'd be woefully unprepared, and I'd be completely tired out planning or worrying if I'd forgot something, or we'd miss trains and the like. I'd be emotionally tired out from all the planning, but she'd have forgotten something she needed. After a while we'd spoke about where we'd ruined the day, or made it less enjoyable, and in her case made a completely wasted journey. We'd argue, or point out where we'd gone wrong. After a while we started to pick up on each other's behaviour, or where one person had done something right. I'd never forget a thing, and we'd get to where we were going, even if it was late, calm, due to how laid back she was. No wasted journeys, or being tired out before I got there. We turned things that we saw as each others cons into pros. Lots of trial and error, but some of the situations actually turned into running jokes. You can't be the sole emotional caretaker, there are situations where you just have to muck in, and use each others stronger points to make life easier. There must be things you are great at, but also things you aren't so great at, the same for your partner. Doing something practical can be as much as an emotional gesture as an actual emotional gesture. I'd say practicality is quite comforting as someone on the spectrum. Getting the job done was, to be frank, quite a turn on for me!

Nick said:

We’ll learn together and that’s the commitment part.

Just make sure you both learn, and no more being a release valve, either way!

Nick said:

I’m actually very glad my partner has started the process of being diagnosed, even though it has taken 30+ years. It means I can change, and support him as much as he has done me. This phase, I feel, is just that. A phase of stress that’s making us both anxious as we pick up each other’s feelings.

He might actually relax more after diagnosis. It's a very strange phase. You can get caught up in the whole exploring autism thing. During and after diagnosis there is a lot to take in. All ASC people are different, we share qualities and traits, but there are things that apply to some that don't apply to others. You can sort of lose yourself in the experience. He will learn strategies to cope too, but it's best not to get lost in the whole experience. It's a good time actually in life to recognise strengths, and learn to manage challenges. When he understands how it all fits into his life, things will be easier. I hope you both come out better for it all.

Nick said:

I feel we can be vulnerable with each other in a way I don’t think we have ever been with anyone else, just want it to be the secure loving environment it should be for that.

That's a big thing right there. I'd never had someone I could be vulnerable around, and neither had my ex. I'm either expressionless and stoic, or goofy. She was either totally nonchalant, or goofy. So not much to read, or make sense of! The way we grew up, my ASC, and just the whole scene we came out of made us pretty bad at expressing ourselves. We learned so much, and faced down a lot of demons. Speaking for myself, I couldn't have done it without her. I'd say our lives benefitted from that, even though we aren't in a relationship anymore. One thing I will say is that we were ones to address something that needed to be addressed, so we never had anything lingering around. Sometimes badly, but it was resolved, and gone from our lives.

I hope the process goes well for you both, and you find peace within each other.

All the best.

Thank you so much again. This all makes so much sense. Today when our plans were scrambled, I approached things so differently and it’s was fine (after an hour). I need to be the partner, not the impartial listener - as you say, we all carry baggage... I have always tried to be the ‘emotional care taker’ and funnily enough my partner has been the caretaker in previous relationships too... I think it’s a role I snap into when there’s something up, to save me from realising my real feelings I guess. We’ll learn together and that’s the commitment part. I’m actually very glad my partner has started the process of being diagnosed, even though it has taken 30+ years. It means I can change, and support him as much as he has done me. This phase, I feel, is just that. A phase of stress that’s making us both anxious as we pick up each other’s feelings. I feel we can be vulnerable with each other in a way I don’t think we have ever been with anyone else, just want it to be the secure loving environment it should be for that. Thank you again so much for chatting x

No problem whatsoever Nick. Glad to try and give you some insight if I can.

Nick said:

I completely agree with you about the right and wrong. I think it helps my partner to have things either black or white, for one person in a discussion to be ‘correct’.  Or at least that is the impression that I get. I do try and remind him we are both on the same side, and if one of us is unhappy neither of us are winning.

I think that that might be all the more reason to stick to your guns in certain situations. There are things in a relationship that will keep cropping up, they have to be addressed or they just boil under the surface. The best thing you can do, in my experience anyway, is when things like that come up, you can't back down to accomodate him. You won't have closure, and he won't know how you feel, leaving him confused or at worse, angry. Then after a while it will crop up again, and it will just keep reoccurring. Over time more and more issues build up, so it's best not to have a backlog! Things that are harboured will get dragged up when you are trying to address someting that's just happened. I was lucky with my ex, she would deal with things quickfast, and never drag the past up because the things she couldn't move past got addressed. We are similar in that sense. We aren't together anymore, but there are no ill feelings. That's probably my best friend.

Nick said:

And I think my partner would hold his hands up and agree with you that I am used as a release valve sometimes, as I place myself in a position for that to be possible.

This is a problem. You recognise it though, and you say he does, so there's a foundation to build on. You shouldn't feel guilty or blame yourself for putting yourself in that position, he has agency, and no-one should be there simply to vent on. To me, personally, that's abuse. If you are feeling that it's your fault, that's something you must get over. It's not right to feel that you are there for a release valve.

Nick said:

I have a background in counselling and sometimes I feel like I am required to be too impartial, and have tried to put my feelings aside to address other issues my partner has experienced with friends and family members in the past. This is something that we have both spoken about previously in the relationship, and explore as an ongoing theme!

Well maybe it's time to leave work at work! I can understand what you are saying, but in my experience with counselling, a lot of the solutions given are done by way of coersion or auto-suggestion, with people on the spectrum, they will either pick up on that approach, or not take the queues. That either means frustration, or confusion. Neither is good! My ex and I had a pretty amazing lot of baggage, but sometimes things just have to be tackled head on with face value. We'd talk about stuff in our past, she grew up in a house with quite a few drug addict siblings, but is a University graduate with her own business, and I've not always been the straightest arrow. We've basically seen a lot, not to mention the fact I wasn't diagnosed all the time we were together. If we were bumping heads over something though, that took paramount importance. Stop trying to analyse or counsel him, and start being a partner at times!

Nick said:

Relationships are complicated whoever they are between - at times my partner and I just speak a different language so it is about preserving the relationship and respecting one another, whatever the differences.

It seems to me that you have a lot of things figured out. It just needs the right thing or person to make things click. I'd say you've hit the nail on the head there about respecting one another. It's a two way thing, whether it's an ND-NT, ND-ND, or NT-NT relationship. Best thing you can do is not let things bulid up, and have the trust, plus respect to get closure when issues that need it come up. If you can't get to that point at sometime, it might be fairer on both of you to throw the towel in, but reading through, it's like I say, you have the blueprint of sorts and hopefully you both put it together.

All the best

Thank you again.  I completely agree with you about the right and wrong. I think it helps my partner to have things either black or white, for one person in a discussion to be ‘correct’.  Or at least that is the impression that I get. I do try and remind him we are both on the same side, and if one of us is unhappy neither of us are winning. And I think my partner would hold his hands up and agree with you that I am used as a release valve sometimes, as I place myself in a position for that to be possible. I have a background in counselling and sometimes I feel like I am required to be too impartial, and have tried to put my feelings aside to address other issues my partner has experienced with friends and family members in the past. This is something that we have both spoken about previously in the relationship, and explore as an ongoing theme! Relationships are complicated whoever they are between - at times my partner and I just speak a different language so it is about preserving the relationship and respecting one another, whatever the differences. You’re right. Thanks again for your time and energies xx