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When to tell younger daughter about older sister's AS

Spacemonkey

Hi all

At what age should we tell our younger daughter (who is 6 and neurotypical) that her older sister (who is nearly 14) has Asperger's?

We are having big upsets between the two of them at the moment.

The older one (call her 'Alice') was diagnosed with mild AS about 5 years ago. She is very intelligent, top classes at school, but has no empathy and her speech can often sound aggresive or antagonistic.

As a consequence, our younger daughter (call her 'Harriet'), who is extremely empathic and emotional, can become very upset at the way that Alice talks to her.

It isn't helping now that Alice has taken to trying to 'protect' her sister by parroting the things that we, as parents, say, such as: "don't fall over" or "pick that thing up that you left on the floor so nobody steps on it". But from Alice they just sound like angry orders!

This, of course, upsets Harriet, who wonders why she is being shouted at. Cue the tears and wailing.
Which in turn upsets Alice, who can't understand Harriet's reaction.

My wife then usually tries to calm Harriet down, whilst I try to explain her reaction to Alice.

The whole problem is compounded by Alice's utter refusal to believe that there is even such as thing as Asperger's Syndrome, let alone that she might have it.
This means we can't talk to her about how people react to her voice. Or about anything she does that might upset people (usually it's just us at home, as she is 'on her best behaviour' at school, but doesn't have to be at home - by her own admission.) We end up just managing the fallout.

Do any of you out there have an opinion about whether now would be the right time to let Harriet (the 6 year old) know that her sister is 'different', and explain to her about AS?
She is very intelligent, and would almost certainly accept without any worries at all (particularly since we've been avidly watching the Paralympics and she is very understanding about the many ways people can be 'different').

We just want Harriet to not be upset by her older sister. We can see her confidence starting to be knocked...

Any help or advice would be welcome!

  • Hi Rebles,

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    philippab - mod

  • Hello MikeyGee

    Thanks for replying.....I can see you are dealing with a difficult situation!  Probably your 14-year old's behaviour is very typical of most teenagers (especially girls - I  remember going through that stage myself). Although my own kids are not teenagers yet, I was one of six kids, and I have seen a fair bit of family life!

    It sounds like you are trying your best with your 14-year old......the only other piece of advice which comes to mind is the 'TRIPLE P' PROGRAMME.  I have recently completed this parenting programme, and would have to say I highly recommend it.  It in no way down-grades you as a parent, in fact it makes you feel like an extra special parent because you care about the way you bring up your child.  They do a special course for parents of teenage kids too......they would definately have some hints and tips about dealing with that 'I know best' attitude in teenagers.

    I was very sceptical about such a course, but having completed the 5 week programme, I can honestly say you come away with the extra 'tools' for the job....after all, parenting is the most challenging thing in the world (but also the most rewarding)!!  And for those of us with kids who have extra needs, we are somehow given the extra patience needed to get through each day.

    If you are interested in this course, I suggest you speak to your younger child's school - that was where I got the lead from.  Not sure what is available in your area, there may be something very similar.  Alternatively, I could perhaps give you the contact details for the ladies who ran the course I attended (not sure if this would pass the Mod though!!!)

    Good luck!

  • Hi there Rebles!
    Thanks for the comments - and I understood about the name mix up, no worries!

    The main stumbling block we have with trying to explain anything to our older AS daughter ('Alice'!) is that she is supremely confident in herself.
    She believes that everything she says or does is right.

    I have tried sitting down with her on oh so many occasions to explain to her why someone has got upset about something she has said or done. I have tried to get her to use more 'polite' phrases. I have explained why people react the way they do.

    But it is impossible to teach someone a new way to do something if they TRUELY believe that everything they already say and do is right!

    Why should Harriet get upset when Alice speaks a certain way? Alice is right, so Harriet should do what she says! That's Alice's attitude, and is the main problem with have with trying to alter her behavious.

    As far as Harriet (6-years old, NT) is concerned... we have already been explaining to her that she should try not to get upset by the way Alice speaks to her, because it is 'just Alice'.
    But I really think now is the time to explain all about AS to her.

    I don't want her to start mimicing her older sister's behaviour and start acting the same way. Which could get her into trouble at school.

    I have thought about the way to explain...
    I myself am colourblind, which Harriet fully understands about. She sometimes helps me with colour recognition, and it's even quite funny at times, when colouring in pictures!

    I think I could liken AS to the colourblindness.

    It's just something that Alice has, which makes her behave 'differently' to other people. And it's our job to help her sometimes. By not reacting badly to what she says and the way she says it. Plus other stuff, of course, which I'll think about before I say anything to her.
    My only problem with explaining is how to explain that Alice refuses to believe about AS or that she has it.

    Any further thoughts will be very welcome!

  • My apologies MikeyGee - I have mixed up Alice and Harriet in my reply!  Sorry for any confusion.... Hope you understand.

  • I reckon you may well find that your 'Alice' kind of 'senses' that 'Harriet' is different.  My two younger kids have learnt to accept their older brother's difference, and without even having to explain much to them, they understand that his needs are different to theirs, and to ignore his meltdowns, and get out of his way when he is being violent. 

    Maybe your 'Alice' just needs it explaining to her that 'Harriet' doesn't mean to sound angry.....maybe tell her to walk away when she feels she is going to be upset. 

    You could also try doing a social story for 'Harriet', explaining all about feelings, and why 'Alice' is upset when she shouts at her.  You could include an alternative phrase or plan of action for 'Harriet' when she feels she needs to say something to 'Alice' which may be upsetting.  We have found social stories extremely helpful for all types of situations.  It helps them put their feet in othes' shoes which is one thing they find so very hard to do.

    Hope this helps!