Hikikomori, how can I get my adult son back?

My adult son continues to live what seems, from the outside, to be a life devoid of most of the preoccupations and activities of his peer group.  Alone, withdrawn, spending 99% of his time in his room, uncommunicative, avoidant (of everything, no courses, jobs, classes, volunteering, relationships...), mucky and unwilling to engage either with services or ourselves as parents.  

It seems akin to a hikikomori state, with self neglect thrown in.  But all I can find about this kind of withdrawal is descriptions, no advice on finding a way through.

In the past services have been involved, including crisis and early intervention teams.  None of their therapies or meds helped  - in fact they only made him withdraw still further - and they eventually just discharged him on the basis that he's not mentally ill but rather has a condition, that condition being Asperger's.  

As the years go by, I losing hope.  My superficial reaction is, "Where has my son gone?" However, I know he's still there.  We just can't reach him.  This has been going on since he was 17 and he's now 24.  I don't feel as though i've known him as an adult.  And he avoids most conversations which are limited to brief exchanges about food.

What on earth can parents do?  This is breaking us.  Does it just go on for ever?

Parents
  • Has anyone else coped with this kind of situation?

    To me it feels as though, once services have been tried and fallen short, it becomes easy to slip into a pattern of just living around the reclusive person, even though that could, in many ways, be seen as a form of enabling.

    I have the thought that, in the end, the person's own vital force or self actualising tendency would win through.  But if not then I don't know that there's anything on which we can rely.  

    Meanwhile, other young people on the family who are getting on with their lives just serve as a reminder of what our son is missing out on.  :(

Reply
  • Has anyone else coped with this kind of situation?

    To me it feels as though, once services have been tried and fallen short, it becomes easy to slip into a pattern of just living around the reclusive person, even though that could, in many ways, be seen as a form of enabling.

    I have the thought that, in the end, the person's own vital force or self actualising tendency would win through.  But if not then I don't know that there's anything on which we can rely.  

    Meanwhile, other young people on the family who are getting on with their lives just serve as a reminder of what our son is missing out on.  :(

Children