Published on 12, July, 2020
my daughter is 29 has a daughter who has been diagnosed , and I suspect she als has autism. Looking for help for her and I , counselling maybe as she falls out with is constantly, abusesive phone call and texts, then next minute very needy and regretful. This has been going on for years and I think we both need help but where to start. She is now expecting again and I am so worried for her future.
Any advice please
You are quite right to want to intervene in some way to help your daughter. I was in my early 30s, mum to two young children, struggling to cope with depression, when I first had counselling. My relationship with my mother was extremely volatile for reasons I barely understood. The counsellor asked if my mother would attend some of the sessions with me as she thought it would be really helpful. When I approached my mother about this she went berserk, saying that I was accusing her of having been a bad mother. She refused to attend the counselling sessions which felt like a huge rejection.I struggled on for many years never really coping and increasingly alienated from my mother.
Eventually it reached a point where things started to fall apart and I have just been diagnosed with ASD at the age of 58. My mother's reaction was to ask why I had felt the need to get assessed. I am almost certain she and my dad are autistic too, it's like I have given away some kind of family secret. I am not suggesting you are autistic, but I do think it could be really helpful for you and your daughter to have counselling together. You will both benefit from understanding what makes the relationship between you difficult. Being a mother is extremely demanding so the support you can give her now and in the future is incredibly important. Try and find a counsellor who understands autism, given you believe your daughter may be autisitic. Some sessions together and some sessions individually often works best in relationship counselling.
Very best wishes.
Really appreciate your reply Sunflower. I am finding this all very emotional but it is opening some doors we have jammed shut. A bit like you said your mum felt, like it was an awful family secret.
Daughter got all the way through school with no interventions. After taking her exams In 5 th year all went off rails. Socially and emotionally. Diagnosis was communication and language disorders, and moving from child to adult services , we got lost in system. I feel I have failed her but no use regretting. Have to start somewhere .
you have come a long weary journey, but I am glad you have found a diagnosis, and hopefully some sort of order in your life . All the best
I am the mother to a 31 year old and a 29 year old - the first thing I asked the psychologist after being diagnosed autistic was about implications for my two children. Her advice was to focus on understanding how autism affects me first then Imwill be in a good position to support them. There is so much to be done to ensure the next generations of autistic children do not get missed and families get the advice and support they need as early as possible.
It made me sad to discover my mum went to see the headmistress at my secondary school when I was 16 because she was so worried about me. I was a perfect student at school but things fell apart when I got home. My mum even asked a psychotherapist friend to see me - but she thought my meltdowns were normal teenage angst. Things are finally falling into place since my diagnosis and I'm beginning to look forward not back. I am sure my parents will see my diagnosis more positively given time.
The hardest thing of all in my experience is being a parent. I only really understood what my mum must have gone through when I had children myself. Relationships between mums and daughters are notoriously complex, even without autism being a factor. I do hope that you come to realise you have done everything you possibly could for your daughter. You should not feel guilty or that you have let her down. On the contrary you are standing by her and trying to get the right sort of help. No one could ask for more.