My son is 37 and has High functioning Asperger's I am his carer as well. I struggle every day, watching him suffer He has never had any friends, either through childhood or as an adult. As a parent I have tried to find ways of helping him find friends and get on in life.
He even tried "Meet up " and the two groups he joined where not very accepting of him . I even started my own support group for autisic adults in my area, it's doing extremely well. I had hoped my son would make friends with members who are so lovely, but it hasn't happened . To say I feel a failure as a parent is an understatement. Around us people are getting on with their lifes, have friends, partners, etc. He so wants to find someone to love him, get married, have children.
It breaks my heart into pieces seeing him looking at couples when we are out, or families with children. It's heartbreaking hearing my son saying I will die lonely & alone. As a result of how my son feels, I take on his feelings .I have the chance of happiness with someone who loves me, but how can I plan my happiness knowing my son is unhappy ? I feel like am rubbing his face in it
The man who loves me knows all about my son and fully understands he will always come first. But is it really fair on me to except him to accept my life is not completely my own. My son has been let down by services yet again, and the progresd I'd made has now gone down the drain. He can be so negative and that's nearly every day .
I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel, my extended family have their own problems to listen to mine. To the outside world I have no problems, God if only they knew. Wherever I go my son goes, I love him of course. But I want my life back, I want to live what life I have left happy with the man I love. People say supported living would be good for my son, but I would feel so guilty if he went into one. At home I know he's safe, does that sound silly ?
Sorry for all my moaning but am finding it hard to cope right now with all the negativity around me ️
You can sound like a fantastic Mum, who really has gone to great lengths to help your son. I would suggest that you try to convince him to start posting on this site. The people here are both knowledgeable and kind.
One of my cousins is in a supported living house. His parents were reluctant at first, but soon came to realise that it was beneficial for everyone. And the decision had to be made one day. It won’t hurt to look into it, at least you will have some control over where he goes.
I say that without knowing your son, you both may feel that he is able to improve his independence without recourse to supported living. Has he told his GP that he is feeling down? I know doctor surgeries are not favourite places for autistic people - I hate them - but some help with depression may improve his motivation. Does he have any special interests? A special interest can be a way of slowly introducing yourself to others. A common interest can remove the need for idle chit chat, that some of us find so difficult to master. Does he use a smartphone? There are apps that are supposed to help autistic people in social situations. I don’t have a smartphone, so I have no idea how effective they are. It might be worth looking into as a first step.
I hope you manage to motivate him to be a little more adventurous. All the best, Graham.
Thanks for your encouraging words Graham ️
What does your son want to do - does he want to meet people or are they too much hassle for him? Does he see staying with you as the easy option?
Hi. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place. I'm a mum so I understand. Your plea about having a life of your own is valid. You can be a loving mum to your son and have a loving relationship with a partner, especially if that partner accepts your son's place in your life. By being happy in your own life you will be stronger and more able to support your son. Postponing your happiness until he is 'fixed' can't work because autism can't be fixed or turned off. It's just there and manifests differently for each individual. Putting positive things into place in your own life will help you to avoid sinking into depression. Both of you being depressed is no good. I have several children. If I waited for all of them to be in a good place in their lives before allowing myself to feel any happiness I'd never get there because there's always something going on for one of them that's upsetting. I'm no specialist but I've lived long enough now to know that life is short, happiness comes on moments, not years, and one of the best gifts I can give my children is to be as positive and stable as I can so that they know they can rely on me and I'll be there for them. No mum can fix everything for her children but can do her best to fix herself. Wishing you great happiness in your future.
I tried to answer your comment but it's my first time on here and it looks like I've answered you as you. Sorry. Not great with technology. I'm listed as clarify but if this one goes all wrong again, apologies.
Hello Plastic my son would love friends, but no matter what he tries he doesn't make any. He has friends online, but he wants real friends he said.
Thank you your words they are so true, my son tells me to think of myself. But you know what it's like we never do
I saw this and thought of you...
I'd look at Meetup again - I've joined some groups on there that proved to be a bit of a clique but others are great. Does he have any interests like D&D or any other hobbies? I also joined the local model engineering group because I make all sorts of large models.
One of the meetups was a maths & puzzle-soving group - that was fun.
What does he like to do?