Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
My daughter is coming up 17. She was only diagnosed with Aspergers last year after a 12 year battle with professionals. She also has high level social anxiety disorder and general anxiety disorder as well as many other boarderline anxiety disorders.
I was in a relationship for 5 years and she was fine with that to be fair she didn’t have a lot to do with him but accepted the relationship. Was fine if he stayed over etc. Right or wrong this relationship was over months before it ended but felt at the time I needed him around. I’d just lost my sister and my dad was placed into a care Home so life was generally difficult for our family. Towards the end of the relationship I met someone new who bought me a whole new level of happiness and soon after I started to see him I ended the previous one. The trouble is my daughter has decided that was cheating and will not entertain my new partner in anyway. If he comes over she constantly texts me from another room asking when is he going? And demanding I take her to her dads. I don’t know what I can do to help her accept that this is how things are now.? I have spoken to her dad for support and he is generally supportive. I have told her dad that she can’t keep running away from things that make her anxious and the more that she is here when my new partner is hopefully she will adjust and accept. After suffering so much sadness and heartbreak I just want us all to be happy and I’m really stuck now. Can anyone offer any advice please? Thank you x
Ok, you cheated, she is right, I agree with the others. If you have told your daughter that you weren't cheating she needs an apology from you, she needs to know that you acknowledge what you did and she needs to know that sometimes you make mistakes, that you should have finished with the other man first. And you will try harder to let her know what's happening in future instead of just changing her world without telling her first.
I think Emma has made some fantastic points.
Honesty is also incredibly important for me. I find communicating hard enough without having to deal with people who say one thing and do another. In the past, I worked with a couple who'd had an affair together and ended up leaving their respective partners for each other. As I saw both as untrustworthy and I used to do my best to avoid being around them. I felt our interactions were pointless as I couldn't trust what they were saying was true. Therefore, as well as change trust could be another issue that is making your daughter feel unable to be around you and your new partner.
If your daughter does perceive you as untrustworthy this could have huge implications for her mental well being. Being around you could cause mental torture as your her mum so she loves you but her perception of your actions could also make her hate you and your new partner at the same time, which is a difficult thing to deal with for anyone but even more so for a teenager.
If her dad no longer lives with her and the previous partner is now out of the picture could you daughter be scared that a time will come when you no longer want her around aswell?
Prior warning that this may end up being overly blunt in areas, but my intent is to help and provide insight.
So some of the things that are common in autism (and that I have always had myself) are;
A tendency towards black and white thinking.
A strong sense of justice.
Fierce loyalty to people I consider close to me.
You said in your post that you started seeing the new partner before the old relationship was dissolved. You then go on to say “The trouble is my daughter has decided that was cheating”. The thing is, technically it was.
It’s not that your daughter has ‘decided’ that, to be honest she’s in the right, from a purely ‘Calling a spade a spade’ point of view. Not judging, just stating facts the way they technically are which is also the way your daughter sees them.
So you are the one with the altered viewpoint- granted, for reasons that seem good and logical for you. Your daughter may not extend you the same leniency that you do to yourself at this point in time for a variety of reasons.
The best way to encourage her to extend it is to admit that she’s technically right (and it’s ok to do that, it’s treating her like an adult which she very nearly is, and she will appreciate the honesty), say you’re sorry for the discomfort it has evidently brought her, explain your reasons and help her to see your thought process. She’s autistic; she can’t necessarily do that without having that explanation. Then it’s up to her to work out whether that makes sense and makes her feel any better.
It’s likely that having that strong sense of justice and growing up in a culture that says “cheating is wrong”, but now being asked to accept this turn of events without question, she is experiencing a LOT of cognitive dissonance. No wonder she is uncomfortable! So if you understand that the focus needs to be on resolving that internal conflict for her.
It is is also a solid fact that autistic people do not deal well with change. She was already going through a great period of change when the new partner arrived on the scene in the same way you were. She lost her aunt and her granddad was put into a home. These on their own, even for a Neurotypical child, would be hard. Both in quick succession? For an autistic child? Would turn your life upside down.
And then another constant in her life changes, your old partner leaves (even though you say she had little to do with him, it’s quite possible that she considered him part of the family having been around for 5 years; for a 12-17 year old that’s a long time after all, and so was upset by the loss). No wonder she’s resentful towards what she perceives as the cause of it all; the new partner. Especially as he arrived in what she perceives as “unjust circumstances”.
So I think the way to go with this is a frank, open and most importantly completely honest talk with your daughter, with equal input from both sides and even possibly some counselling (joint? Or just for her? Whatever you both think may work) to help her resolve the uncomfortable cognitive dissonance feeling, if she wants it.
But also know you can’t force anyone to like or even tolerate anyone else, autistic or not, your child or not. At the end of the day you might just have to try and make your family work as best it can even without your daughter and partner getting on.
Hope you can work things out as a family.
Emma x