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It's getting worse

NAS37753

My son is 12 he goes to a mainstream school but talks to no one and has zero friends. The only friend he had he has now lost. On break times and lunch he is on his own he walks to school and leaves at the last minute so he can walk straight in without having to stand alone . Academically he is very bright but he is becoming more withdrawn and anxious. Every time I try and talk to him he shuts down and gets annoyed as dosent want to discuss with anyone, I have even suggested a counsellor but no.

i have spoken to senco at school etc so many times but there's only so much they can do as they can't force him to make or keep a friend etc.

Through  the week he just comes home, sits on iPad then bed and that's his life.

It's  only me and my son I have no extended family and he literally only has me in his life. I am worried for his future when I am no longer around.

I hope someone can read and offer advice in any way, I have to find support for my own sanity.I feel I am the only one, so isolated and it's getting me more down by the minute.

There isn't much about when I have looked online, and I am at a loss what to do

  • Have you asked your son if he's being bullied at school? (And / Or online?) 

    The fact that your son has arranged his schedule to avoid being in the school grounds around the other students would suggest that he is deliberately avoiding other students and I would suggest that it's probably particular students rather than all of them. This would also explain why he has suddenly, and without explanation, stopped seeing his only friend - it's an unfortunate fact that 'friends' tend to distance themselves from someone who is being bullied for fear that they too will be bullied. It's definitely something worth asking your son about.

    He may not admit to being bullied for fear of making it worse by 'telling' or 'grassing', especially if it's by a group of others rather than by a particular person. Most schools are notoriously bad at 'seeing' bullying but it's worth asking the teachers to look out for signs. A far better person to ask would be your son's former friend as I would be very surprised if he doesn't know about any bullying that is happening. 

    Bullying could also be the reason why your son can't make new friends at school (being ostracised by the wider group for being a 'target'?) or doesn't want to make new friends (because his previous friend is the one bullying him?). It may also be the reason why your son isn't interested in pursuing clubs or after-school activities - as they're most likely attended by the same people he sees at school.       

  • in reply to NAS37753

    Pardon me, but saying he is 'unable' to make friends seems a bit absolute. Maybe if he found an activity at school he's interested in, at least to observe, he could get to know other students that way. If he's bright, maybe just collaborating and offering to do homework together might make him popular? I suppose every parent worries about their child's future. From what you say, are you feeling a bit isolated yourself?

    Have you read other threads on this forum? This one about a 5-year-old recently, but mentions some things SENCos can do: http://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/12540/school-sen-support

    I've just been reading this article about 'Pathological Demand Avoidance' profiles and autistic anxiety. It's a bit tangential and theoretical, but thought it might be of interest:

    https://autisticmotherland.com/2018/05/23/pda/

  • Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I have tried this but he dosent want to know. Understandably most children will seek out new friendships or mix and form new ones but my son is unable to do thisWorriednd all my encouragements nd support falls on deaf ears.Worried

  • Not sure what to advise, but I'm sure your son will find friends, if he struggles with social interactions- maybe focus on helping him with that.
    Rather than talking about the loss of his friend, which he understandably would just get annoyed about. "I've lost my friend, I can't do anything. Why is my mum pestering me to talk about it." 

    That or be a little more direct, and approach differently: "Do you still want this person as your friend?"   
    Yes: give him advise on how to go about fixing whatever happened (probably as easy as a 'sorry can we be friends again.' - it was when i was that age.)
    No: "Then maybe you should make different friends, and do this. (give instructions on how to do that.)

    If he's autistic, he probably doesn't want the pointless conversation of feelings he can't describe very well. I'd think he just wants to be sure of what he wants to do, then know how to do it.