Published on 12, July, 2020
I am absolutely not saying that all NTs are weirdly interested, but I had an experience lately that really got on my nerves and is still bothering me.
A couple of weeks ago my grandparents had a friend to stay, and this friend used to work in schools before she retired, with autistic students and other students with special educational needs, but she was particularly keen on working with autistic students. Whilst she was at their house, my grandparents phoned me to ask if I would go over and chat to her. I'd heard them talk about her before and how "interested" she was in my being Asperger's and as I'm actually quite sensitive about the subject I wasn't sure I wanted to, but as my grandparents are amazing and I always want to please them, I said yes, sure, and went over.
So I get there and I meet the friend, and the first question she has isn't, "How are you?" She immediately asks me, "What goes on in your head?" That is the first question she asks, in that many words. I have only meet this woman sporadically throughout my life, on three occasions at most, in twenty years. I remember being taken aback at the time, but now I just feel boiling mad. Like, you wouldn't ask a neurotypical twenty-year-old girl that question, so why ask me just because I'm Aspie and you're "interested"?! Remembering the syrupy voice she used just makes me even more cross. It was as if she was talking to a five-year-old. To be honest I can't exactly remember what I said in reply, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Well, emotionally I struggle, and I get quite anxious, but apart from that nothing particularly interesting goes on in my head really. Not things that other people would find interesting anyway."
Then we got onto the subject of me being a writer, and my poetry and things, and she asked, "So could you make up a poem now for me? From your head?" And I was like, "Well, I'd have to go and sit down and write it. It wouldn't be an immediate thing." And she looked stricken and was like, "But people with conditions like yours, they can do that sort of thing, can't they? Just make things up from their heads? You must be able to."
Me: "No, really, I can't. Unfortunately. It takes time and effort. I'm not so good at being put on the spot." *Fake laughter*
She then started telling me stories about the autistic children she worked with, including one about a boy who used to imagine that he was projecting films onto the backs of his eyes from his brain and showed her by drawing a diagram (which does sound rather cool, I have to admit). Then like some excited Labrador, "Can you do that? Can you do that?" And she kept going, "Of course, I asked if I could work with children like you because I was interested. I just find you all so INTERESTING!" She proceeded to grill me, asking me about my plans to go to uni, and as I was unable to talk in detail about my mental health (aside from my Asperger's) and how it looks like it won't be possible for me to go this year, she was like, "But you must go! Because otherwise, people like you get stuck with their parents all their lives. It's so sad." Then my grandma joined in like, "I try and tell her mother not to be so over protective, she should go to university, she is easily clever enough" etc etc etc. It felt like I was being descended upon by vultures or something.
At this point I was virtually crying, as in, tears in my eyes, trying not to let them spill over. And I might suffer from emotional dysregulation, but I have gone whole therapy sessions without shedding a tear. So I was upset.
This attack ended with the friend saying, "You mustn't be so sharp with her. People like her are very sensitive, aren't you, dear? It's what comes of having such wonderful minds!"
All this happened a couple of weeks ago, but thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. It seemed ridiculous and kind of worrying to me that his woman was so fascinated in a medical condition. I hated the way she spoke to me, and I don't care if she was a kind old lady; it just made me angry and extremely uncomfortable. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo. To be honest, this isn't the first time that I have experienced this sort of thing: people being openly fascinated by autism, and asking me what my "power" is (er, I'm Aspie, not Supergirl!) or how quickly I can solve a maths problem (I barely scraped my necessary C at GCSE Maths, and that was with a lot of hard work and extra tuition, and on my third go at the exam!). I have to say that as a sufferer I really can't see why autism is so fascinating, and it frustrates me because again, it's the stereotypes they get excited about! Has anybody else experienced this weird fascination with autism?
Hi there,
I agree with what Ferret says about this person.
People get these preconceived notions about autism. They've seen children having a meltdown in public, or they've watched films like 'Rainman' and the recent (excellent, by the way) 'The Accountant' and believe they've got a handle on the whole thing. So, we're either hypersensitive and prone to rages, or we're savants, or some strange mixture of the two. My experience with NTs when I tell them I have autism is that they either patronise me - which basically seems to be the experience you've had - or they rebuff me.
In some ways, I wish people would be a little more curious. I wish they'd ask me questions about how I perceive things, how I feel about things, etc. I wish they'd take that trouble - instead of simply projecting their own ideas onto me and feeling cheated or suspicious when I don't match them. Instead of being like my brother and his wife. They're intolerant. If something doesn't chime with their view of the world and human behaviour, it's not different - it's wrong. My sister-in-law recently had a heart scare, and that was the main topic of family conversation. What were the likely consequences for her? Would she need surgery? Would she need to give up work? What kind of medication would she need to take? And so on. When I got my diagnosis, I sent it to my brother. Nothing. It's never mentioned. It's like the blot on the escutcheon. Pretend it doesnt' exist. No effort to find out more, to see how it might explain some of my behaviours, to discuss things. I've told them that I prefer to correspond by text and email, because they give me more chance to marshall my thoughts and say what I need to say without interruption. They don't like this, though. They go on about how they don't check their emails very often, don't like computers, don't 'do' texting. 'Pick up the phone like everyone else' is their answer.
I actually know what they think about me anyway - by proxy, you might say. My niece has been for many years happily married to a man that my brother and his wife cannot stand. I've always - surprise, surprise - gotten on well with him. I've long suspected that he was on the spectrum, too. Well... the other day, he came to visit, and we chatted for a long time about my diagnosis. He said he'd taken the assessment - and had scored 32: borderline, but highly indicative. It didn't surprise me in the least. We talked further about his own behaviours. Like me, he hates social situations. He finds eye contact difficult. He has narrow and intense interests (he's a computer engineer and coder). He likes nothing better than to spend hours locked away with a computer. If people pay visits unannounced, he gets agitated and shuts off. At Christmas, my brother and his wife popped over for a drink, and the subject of my niece's husband came up. Straight away, the contempt and vitriol spilled out of them. I then took it upon myself to say that I recognised certain traits in him and wondered if he was, in fact, autistic.
"He's not autistic," snapped my sister-in-law. "He's simply bloody rude and ignorant!"
Just like me, clearly...