Published on 12, July, 2020
I am absolutely not saying that all NTs are weirdly interested, but I had an experience lately that really got on my nerves and is still bothering me.
A couple of weeks ago my grandparents had a friend to stay, and this friend used to work in schools before she retired, with autistic students and other students with special educational needs, but she was particularly keen on working with autistic students. Whilst she was at their house, my grandparents phoned me to ask if I would go over and chat to her. I'd heard them talk about her before and how "interested" she was in my being Asperger's and as I'm actually quite sensitive about the subject I wasn't sure I wanted to, but as my grandparents are amazing and I always want to please them, I said yes, sure, and went over.
So I get there and I meet the friend, and the first question she has isn't, "How are you?" She immediately asks me, "What goes on in your head?" That is the first question she asks, in that many words. I have only meet this woman sporadically throughout my life, on three occasions at most, in twenty years. I remember being taken aback at the time, but now I just feel boiling mad. Like, you wouldn't ask a neurotypical twenty-year-old girl that question, so why ask me just because I'm Aspie and you're "interested"?! Remembering the syrupy voice she used just makes me even more cross. It was as if she was talking to a five-year-old. To be honest I can't exactly remember what I said in reply, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Well, emotionally I struggle, and I get quite anxious, but apart from that nothing particularly interesting goes on in my head really. Not things that other people would find interesting anyway."
Then we got onto the subject of me being a writer, and my poetry and things, and she asked, "So could you make up a poem now for me? From your head?" And I was like, "Well, I'd have to go and sit down and write it. It wouldn't be an immediate thing." And she looked stricken and was like, "But people with conditions like yours, they can do that sort of thing, can't they? Just make things up from their heads? You must be able to."
Me: "No, really, I can't. Unfortunately. It takes time and effort. I'm not so good at being put on the spot." *Fake laughter*
She then started telling me stories about the autistic children she worked with, including one about a boy who used to imagine that he was projecting films onto the backs of his eyes from his brain and showed her by drawing a diagram (which does sound rather cool, I have to admit). Then like some excited Labrador, "Can you do that? Can you do that?" And she kept going, "Of course, I asked if I could work with children like you because I was interested. I just find you all so INTERESTING!" She proceeded to grill me, asking me about my plans to go to uni, and as I was unable to talk in detail about my mental health (aside from my Asperger's) and how it looks like it won't be possible for me to go this year, she was like, "But you must go! Because otherwise, people like you get stuck with their parents all their lives. It's so sad." Then my grandma joined in like, "I try and tell her mother not to be so over protective, she should go to university, she is easily clever enough" etc etc etc. It felt like I was being descended upon by vultures or something.
At this point I was virtually crying, as in, tears in my eyes, trying not to let them spill over. And I might suffer from emotional dysregulation, but I have gone whole therapy sessions without shedding a tear. So I was upset.
This attack ended with the friend saying, "You mustn't be so sharp with her. People like her are very sensitive, aren't you, dear? It's what comes of having such wonderful minds!"
All this happened a couple of weeks ago, but thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. It seemed ridiculous and kind of worrying to me that his woman was so fascinated in a medical condition. I hated the way she spoke to me, and I don't care if she was a kind old lady; it just made me angry and extremely uncomfortable. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo. To be honest, this isn't the first time that I have experienced this sort of thing: people being openly fascinated by autism, and asking me what my "power" is (er, I'm Aspie, not Supergirl!) or how quickly I can solve a maths problem (I barely scraped my necessary C at GCSE Maths, and that was with a lot of hard work and extra tuition, and on my third go at the exam!). I have to say that as a sufferer I really can't see why autism is so fascinating, and it frustrates me because again, it's the stereotypes they get excited about! Has anybody else experienced this weird fascination with autism?
I totally understand you don't want to be a computer. I was using the term in an analogous sense. But being Aspie, you are literal. Your interpretation is literal. And logical.
And yes, you are making sense. Totally.
If you can say what you're not from what I outlined, that's good, that positive. I accept that exploring the whole spectrum, as I did in my outline, means that you fall into some, not all, that's good too. At least you can identify where you are aspie, and where you are not HFA. That's good too. Because understanding oneself is the most important thing, even if one cannot change who one is.
Denial gets you no-where however. Sooner or later internalising the world and turning in upon oneself does no good.
Reading what you write, you do, and do seem very logical. Perhaps it's more of a case you just don't think you are - and no, again, I'm not saying you're not a computer. Computers don't have intelligence, they only have data.
"I don't even see people as hostile. Not really. But I do see myself as hostile. Angry. Horrible, ugly, evil, wrong. Wrong wrong wrong." <--- you're not wrong, you're not invalid, you're not faulty, everyone is different. everyone. everyone in the whole world is utterly unique.
To be afraid to fail, is to be afraid to try. For want of a quiet life, one would have no life at all.
Everything in life is risk. Risk of failure. Risk of being singled out. Risk of rejection. Risk of ridicule. Risk of being disliked. Risk of being alone. Risk of not fitting in anywhere.... the list goes on.
But life is also about the journey. The past is the past, and it can't hurt you any more. The trick is to learn from it, rather than resent it. Instead, use it. Go for it. Don't be afraid. Leap and the net will appear. Trust yourself, learn to trust yourself.
You want to be a writer? First rule of writing: write about what you know. And what could you possibly write about if nothing ever happened to you?
It's logical to question everything and try and find the right answer for yourself. And that is all you are doing. Which is being Aspie. You have Aspergers, but that's not all of who you are. Aspie is like being a leopard, your spots and stripes are Aspie.
I hate to break it to you, but you make perfect sense. Seriously, start to have fun with it and see what it - as in your gifts - can do for you. Bit like X-Men, you need to be mutant and proud! XD