Hello my name Rachel I've made a few posts on here anyway I'm 24 and have asd adhd and I also suffer from depression. I am slowly starting to recover but it's really hard my depression started when I was in a relationship with my old boyfriend who doesn't have asd. I waa really horrible to him kept having a go at him for silly little things and I then started to get very controlling and I started swearing at him calling him nasty names. He put up with a lode of abuse from me anyway one night I lost it I accused him of cheating when he wasn't cheating anyway we had a massive argument and I snapped he walked off I run up to him screaming and I wanted to hit him but he pushed me away in defence he tried calming me down but he couldn't I just was in a huge meltdown. Next thing I remember is me wrapping myself around his legs and I looked in his eyes and I knew he was just going to burst into tears then out of know where the police came and my ex was arrested because of my meltdown. I told the police I was on the spectrum and to let him go but they didn't luckily no charges where made and our relationship ended and a week later after I took an overdose I was diagnosed with depression which explains the way I was during the relationship. Any I am now starting to recover and last week me and my ex agreed to meet he is no longer my ex instead he my old bf because an ex to me is someone in the past and well he not in the past he still in my life. Anyway he forgave me don't hate me however when we me he said thst I'm still not well which I agree with and he said before we ca think about starting over and seeing what happens I need to sort my head out. He understands that my behaviour was due to my illness and he knows I'm a lovely girl not some control freak bully. The issue is I'm trying to get better I got a job looking after the elderly and sick at the local hospital looking to become a nurse but if something goes wrong my depression comes back and start to make plans on ending it but I never go through with it I walk the dog instead and I'm terrified that I'm gonna hurt him again and I'm so angry with myself. I know deep down I'm a nice caring person and that my illness turned me into something I'm not. I really want to get better and it would be nice to start over and what happened that night we can laugh and joke about it and t never happen again but what if it does what then how can I control myself if I go into meltdown again.
