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What is with today??

Happydora

hello, 

today is a massive red flag day today for me.... No matter what I do, say or think even look at something I am feeling like I want to explode.  I have no idea why I feel like this, or even how I got in this state.  the slightest thing like someone next to me breathing is causing me to shout.  I only shout when frustrated and don't understand something....so I am thinking as I have no idea what is going on with me other than I feel a kind of heavy pressure in my head right now.. I don't understand why I feel like this this is the reason why I am shouting at everyone and thing?  But what worries me more is why I feel like this today? I do have a lot of things going around in my head, but I have them usually.  I feel really frustrated and alone as I think how I am reacting to things no one understands me...but how can they understand me if I don't understand myself? 

Reading some posts in this forum worry me, oh not the content or stories, just the language it's written in.  I feel so out of my depth.  I feel with some of the posts I have read that I don't even understand the words used.... My daughter (21) says she explains things to me in a child like fashion and I understand things better.  This makes me feel like as an adult I am a failure, but she is right.  Why do I only understand things told to me like a child? I don't understand a lot of things and that frustrates me even more. It has made me think over the years growing up as a coping strategy I got very good at copying people and lost who I was, I don't even know who I am anymore.  Frustrated, I know that! Why do I struggle with everyday things and others don't? Oh don't worry I am not looking for answers here from you all, I guess I am just saying what's in my head..

i need one of those huge wooden wardrobes all carved on the front with a huge door, so I can open it and sit inside and scream, maybe that will help?

  • Happydora, indieman is right about having a place o disconnect from everything. I crochet and it doesn't matter where I'm at everything around me seems to melt away. When I'm having a horrible day when I feel so stressed out (it just happens sometimes) I close the door to my office while at work and when I get home I just stay in my room until I feel better. This forum is the safest place to air your struggles with life and society. I've never seen anyone behave harshly towards anyone else here. HUGS

  • you just put a huge smile on my face, thank you.

  • troubling is a word I guess.... even that word i cannot see how it relates to me.  I see the word trouble as its what people do and get told off. The word troubling towards me does this mean I am doing something wrong? I have never really stopped to think about things before, just got on with it and done what everyone else does... on paper it says I am 45 this scares me as I don't feel this age at all.  Its not that I don't want to grow up or grow older, I just don't think of myself in the same way as others do my age I think.  My daughters friends parents all seem so serious, working all hours under the sun, mortgages and doing normal things like going to the pub and outings.  My life is completly different, i don't have a mortgage and any official things like money and banking my husband does as I can't cope with it all.  I don't drink or go to the pub.. I used to work, not done so for a couple of years due to my knee And ill health.  But even when I did work it was by myself doing something simple like franking post or taping boxes up.  I just have never felt like I have fit in..... As an adult or in life. I feel I am going off in the wrong direction, but what direction am I heading in? See this is another issue, someone replies to my posts and I don't know how to answer them.  I mean it's wonderful that youve taken time to read my post and reply, thank you whomever does.  It just may take me a little while to get what I want to say in reply....sorry.

    words...yes, words.... They are a mystery to me.  my mum says its because I don't read, I don't have many words to use.  Maybe, but I don't like to read so it's not going to change.  I think the main reason I gave up reading when I started is the fact that halfway down a page I would forget what I had just read and nothing made sense.  I could never grasp a story and to me looking at a book with over 500 pages frightens me.  my mum looses herself in books and loves to read, I can't do this, why? I want to be able to loose myself in a book, to experience this I think would be wonderful... Just can't do it. Thank you to those who have recommended certain books for me to look at, but I will be honest it's not going to happen, I don't read. Sorry. Even films, I have seen a few posts of people liking certain films.  sure I watch films, but a lot of them I don't understand...most,y the endings, I don't know why films leave us hanging.  I want to know what happens further down the line, do they live, move, have children, die, get a dog...... i find films frustrate me as they leave me wanting to know more.  And whilst watching films I constantly ask questions, why mostly.  Comedie is a subject I don't get, in the past I have just laughed along with others to fit in.  I don't seem the point of a comedy film... They leave me asking more questions.

    language, examples... I would not point the finger at anyone's post that would not be nice at all.  I could ask that if anyone does reply to me to keep it plain and basic as if talking replying to a child.... It's really difficult for me as I want to fit in but everyday is a challenge.  Sometimes overwhelming..

    the only reason why I feel alone is because I feel no one understands me.  on this note.... My husband got a phone call today saying my questions to the mental health team asked me to fill in for a referral to the autism/aspergers specialist have been passed on and it's been passed as an urgent and I should get an appointment in 2-4 weeks to discuss everything and to see if they can help me.  I am pleased as I hope this will be like a brick off my shoulders and will help to explain why I do the things I do.  If they give me a diagnosis it can only be a good thing, as I need some help. 

    I have written all that and don't even think I have answered the reply... Brain going off on a tangent I think.