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Any help very much appreciated. 2nd child?! Yes or no

dancer89

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 9. We had our son in 2012. Jamie was diagnosed with autism in November 2014. Life was pretty rough for a good while. Jamie is now 4 and in school. He spends his mornings in mainstream and afternoons in the autism base. We work with him every day and he progressing well. He has good days and bad. We adore him and he is our absolute world but it's tough. I was pregnant last year but had a miscarriage, which was quite traumatic.  We are now trying to decide if we should try for another baby or to just stay as we are. Autism isn't easy and life can be stressful but we also have lovely days with him.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 9. We had our son in 2012. Jamie was diagnosed with autism in November 2014. Life was pretty rough for a good while. Jamie is now 4 and in school. He spends his mornings in mainstream and afternoons in the autism base. We work with him every day and he is progressing well. He has good days and bad. We adore him and he is our absolute world but it's tough. I was pregnant last year but had a miscarriage, which was quite traumatic.  We are now trying to decide if we should try for another baby or to just stay as we are. I'm torn every day. Autism isn't easy and life can be stressful but we also have lots of lovely days with him.

I am 37 this month so time's not really on my side, I don't want to think about it for too long but I feel completely terrified and want to make the right decision.  Every day I feel so scared and at a loss of what to do

Thr worry we have for Jamie's future is overwhelming.  I worry about him being a vulnerable adult in the future and what would happen if something happened to Andy and I. Even close family don't know him like we do. I used to think another child would be someone for Jamie to grow up with and someone to look out for him but then I worry what if that child had autism too?! We love Jamie but I think the stress and worry of two children's futures due to a disability would be so overwhelming.

I know my hubby deep down wants another child but he's scared too. I feel completely depressed about it every day as I literally dont know what to do. 

My circle of friends all had children around the same time Jamie was born and they all have another child now , some another two! But none of their children have a disability.  Jamie is a beautiful boy but it can be challenging at times.

Any advice from anyone would help so much. Is a second child a huge difference?! I feel torn every single day and it's really getting me down

  • Thank you both so much for your replies. I was pretty low when I wrote this post and totally torn. I am feeling more positive of late and our son is doing amazing at the moment and really coming on so well. We have decided to try for another baby as would love our boy to have a sibling. I am still terrified but feeling much more positive and excited at hopefully becoming parents again

    Autism is difficult but we also have some wonderful days and wouldn't be without our lovely boy

    Thanks again. Both of your replies helped xx

  • Hi Dancer89

    I've just come across your post and wanted to reply. I have three young children. My second who is 2 years old has autism. As my youngest is only 6 months old I am unsure if he has autism. I did initially panic thinking how will I cope with possibly two children with autism. But once that stage passed. I now know not to create a problem in my head. Also to take each day at a time. Like raising any family it has its moments when it can be over whelming. Like starstruck mentioned I think it is important to have a good support network around you. Kids will put a strain on any relationship. So I understand how hard this decision will be for you and your husband. Personally although our days may be tough and life can sometimes be challenging. I feel comfort in knowing that my daughter will have her brother and sister. They will know the true her away from the outside world.  My eldest who is nearly 5 like us is learning how to communicate with her sister.  To tell the truth I think we all learn from each other day after day.  I don't know if my reply is of any help to you or has just confused you even more. I guess what I want you to know is that at the end of the day it can be done. Your family is your family and no matter how different it may from others it's just as special. 

  • Hi Dancer89,

    Its natural for you both to be worried about your Sons future.  This is a worry to  many families with Autistic Children including me.  My Son is now 20yre. 

    No one can tell you what to do as regards having another baby or not.  

    There are families that have more then one child with Autisim.  My family has many who I strongly suspect are Autistic. We have  three diagnosed.  Including myself I'm Atypical.

    Then there are families that don't. 

    I feel that it's more challenging to sustain all relationships if you have to care for an Autistic child/Adult.  There is this not knowing how Autism will effect the child into adulthood.  Though they are loved. I know it can be difficult at times.

    Ask yourself do you have physical support now.  Do family & friends physically spend time with your Son ?

    Emotional support is brilliant but can you & your Husband do what you want sometimes without your Son ?  

    Are you able to be yourselves together & apart ? 

    Basically are you both happy now & coping.  Life is like snakes & ladders kids or no kids.

    Would you be able to cope with another Baby Autisim or no Autism or are you both emotionally stretched enough ?  

    Only talking to each other honestly will give you the decision that's right for all of you.

    Take care

    Star