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How much do you have to give of your life...?

Bester Dad than the real deal.

Hi, I am the step dad although I have never been called Dad, to my parner of 13x years, two boys from the ages of 3x & 5x years old, I have been through all the tolls of parenthood for these boys.

We have been married for nealy 3x years but I feel we aren't going to make it to our third anniversary on the 17th of this month. 

I have stood by my partner throught a roller coaster of dealing with schools, senco's who thought they know Autisum, education system that is only interested in sats results & ofsted reports.

My wife has had a breakdown to the extent she is on prozac regually, I have been arrested, had a full section 47 ?? investigation into our familly life due to our Autistic son writing on his hand, "my Mum hits me!" I nor my wife have never hit our childern,.

My wife managed to get out of county education for our boy, she fought tooth and nail, while she was doing this I held the rest of our familly together, out middle boy who missed out on so much due to my wife having to deal with J, we have a younger boy together, so three boys in all. 

Our autistic son messed up the last year at this school that they too have washed their hands with him, so he has to come home, I get nothing back from this boy, I have run out of steam, nothing left to give. 

My wife and I are now apart, it's been about 10x days, I have lent to much on our middle son to the extentent I have pushed him away he's 16x has his own circle of friends and no time for me.

J is 18x years old now, he has had a £60,000 a year education for 5x years, he has a few gcses and a pass in a public services course.. Money well spent..??

He decided he didn't want to finish the course his Mum had fought so hard to obtain for him as he felt he wasn't reaching his full potential at one of the best colleges Surrey.

So my question to you all is, why are there so many smiling faces on the home page of this web site...??

When in truth it tears families apart..!

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I remember my parents making a similar move when I was in my mid teens.  I also never fitted into the new area but still stayed for years and even worked in London for a while, against my better judgement.

    To cut a long story short, not moving away from that area is probably one of the worst decisions I ever made.  I was never happy there, never fitted in and couldn't really handle the stress.  Part of it was down to my own problems, but regardless of "fault", it was never going to work.  One of those cases where I wish I could go and give my younger self a good talking to.

  • I have been married for 10 years this year and with my husband whom I love for 16 years. We lived in a little coastal town where I was extremely happy with a great career and social life and community involvement. Then my husband was offered a promotion and we have moved to a remote area of London, where I have struggled to fit in, lonely isolated and feeling very out of place. On Christmas Day I received news that my Dad has terminal cancer and after a year of living away have made the decision to move home to care for him with my youngest child coming with me. The two older ones are staying with Dad. The issue I have is I want to move home and enjoy the beautiful life I have there but my husband never wants to move back there and his career means we would be moving from state/area every two years! What decision do I make? I dont want this life but I love my husband and feel like Ive sacrificed everything. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I'm sorry that you are going through the mill. Having an autistic child can be very hard work and being step-dad to one presents its own hurdles.

    Teenagers are always going to be a challenge and it will be hard to tell what of his behaviour is due to autism and what is due to being a wayward teen. You can't force someone to appreciate education just as you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

    My next contribution is aimed at helping you understand one of the possible factors involved in your situation. I know I am speculating but sometimes this can lead to greater understanding.

    Autism is often inherited and one or both parents may have behavioural traits that are on the spectrum but no diagnosis may be appropriate or necessary if life is carrying on OK. Is it possible that your partner/her ex/yourself are on the spectrum? If one or more of you are on the spectrum it may help you understand and accept the situation better. There is a free test at aspergerstest.net/.../ People who are unaware of their traits (as I was for many years) can be difficult to deal with and are more likely to end up separating from partners and having difficult lives.

    I agree with fuzeelogic - particularly the bit about not attributing blame to anyone. It helps to understand what is going on. Greater understanding makes it harder to be judgemental in my opinion.