I want to be alone ....

My hobbies and interests are dominated by pursuits that I do alone.  Even my wife being with me I can find irritating and I 'wander off' much to her annoyance!

In my teenage years I was very keen on fishing.  Went fishing all the time, I could tell you the record fish and where it was caught, what year and who caught it.  And although I am inherantly clumsy, I could tie a blood knot and attach a spade-end hook with the dexterity of anyone. And cast out the line very accurately.

When I went to College I lost interest in fishing, although I have 'gone back' to it on odd occasion.  I never found it boring, in fact I found it quite intense.

Team games have never been my thing.  I was always the last person to be chosen when teams were picked at school.  I was always being hit in the face with a cricket ball, in later life I have put this down retrospectively to having a squint and not being able to judge distances.  On the football field I could never co-ordinate my legs to kick the ball with any power.

I took up photography while at College.  This is still my principal interest.  Something creative in me wanting to express itself I suppose.  And although I joined camera clubs, it is still not a team thing.  It took a lot for me to start sharing my pictures and entering competitions, but when I did I did rather well.  There are certain patterns I noticed to photographs even of wildly different subjects, patterns that did not seem apparent to anyone else.  Yes there are 'rules' such as the golden mean, having a lead in to the picture, natural frames, positioning of subjects, etc.  But also some indefinable thing that I could recognise and see similarities.  And digital photography is a godsend, no longer restricted by expense to keep trying.  That is the thing with me.  If something interests me, I keep trying.

Photography led to developing other interests.  I have always enjoyed a walk (or perhaps better described as a 'leisurely stroll'.  And then I took up cycling, regularly riding in excess of fifty miles a day, with my camera.  Unfortunately I have since developed a heart condition which makes me easily breathless so I cannot cycle far anymore.  My cycling was used to explore places, to get to places that I otherwise could not get to (had no car at the time).  This led to an interest in history, old ruins, castles, churches.  And churches has led to an interest in mythical beasts, 'green men', misericords, stained glass and various 'folk art' found in churches in various forms.

Railways have always been an interest since I was young and the steam trains used to thunder past regularly.  I only wish digital photography was available then!  And they are now perhaps my main interest for photography.  You can see some of my pictures on my Flickr Account.

Music wise, my interest in pop music fizzled out in the early seventies.  I am still a fan of the music of Pink Floyd and liked the music of Peter Green's Fleetwood Mac.  Listening to Sounds of the sixties on a Saturday morning I can still remember most of the records, the year and the artist and even the label the record was on.  But I have no idea about modern music such as the Spice Girls and Abba.  At school we used to have singing which included a lot of traditional songs.  Songs like John Barleycorn, Oh No John No and sea shanties.  And traditional songs were also well featured on schools history programmes.  This started me off in a liking for folk music.  And John Peel used to regularly play folk music on his show which introduced me to Martin Carthy, Steeleye Span, Fairport Convention, Shirley and Dolly Collins to name but a few.

was one of the few people at Junior School who actually enjoyed recorder lessons.  I found I could easily pick up the tunes and play them 'by ear'.  I still regularly pick up a recorder and play out a few tunes often without realising what I am doing, and it is a good way of reducing tension but it annoys the neighbours!

When personal computers became popular, I took it on myself to learn typing.  I remember being told I would never make a typist by someone at an employment skill centre.  But with the help of 'Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing' (a very early edition on one floppy disc!) I learned to touch type.  I enrolled at a college and within three months got my Grade 3 RSA with distinction.  It helped me get a job for the first time in 20 years.

I think what I like about my interests is that I do them to my satisfaction.  Team games you try to please someone else and they can get annoyed if they perceive you not to be making an effort.  With solitary pursuits there is one critic only who you must satisfy and that is the most severe critic their is .. oneself!  And it is the pursuit of excellence that keeps me going.

  • Trainspotter said:

    I always try to buck myself up by saying 'Well... if they're talking about me, they ain't talking about some other poor sod!'

    I always say, too, that people can say what they like about me.  I don't give a damn.

    Trouble is... I do.

    When I go into a room and it is obvious people have been gossiping and it goes deathly quiet when I enter, I always say "Talking about me again I hope".  People gossip about anything and everything and if perchance they are talking about me, it is just one of those things.  I already know that they think I am next to a lunatic.  And sometimes when I have to share a room with someone they are right.  (double entendre intended!)

    [/quote]

    Took me a little while to work out that double entendre and very thought-provoking it was.

  • Martian Tom said:

    I always try to buck myself up by saying 'Well... if they're talking about me, they ain't talking about some other poor sod!'

    I always say, too, that people can say what they like about me.  I don't give a damn.

    Trouble is... I do.

    When I go into a room and it is obvious people have been gossiping and it goes deathly quiet when I enter, I always say "Talking about me again I hope".  People gossip about anything and everything and if perchance they are talking about me, it is just one of those things.  I already know that they think I am next to a lunatic.  And sometimes when I have to share a room with someone they are right.  (double entendre intended!)

  • " Nostalgia, as they say, is a thing of the past."

    Oh, I like that one!

  • Martian Tom said:

    ...and Trainspotter.  Wow!  I've just looked at your photos, too.  Amazing!  You have a unique eye.  And I love the colours.  Do you used any software like PhotoShop or Gimp?

    I do use photoshop - I have an old version on my desktop computer and photoshop elephants on my laptop (just noticed I've put 'elephants' instead of elements, but I'll leave that in, my new name for it!).  I also have other programs, the one I use for HDR is called Photomatix.  I have a very old program called Professor Franklin's photographic effects which is very good for adding instant effects and use it in conjunction with Photoshop and photomatix.

    But I do try to use them in a subtle way where possible, and not all the same effect.  I'm forever tweaking the controls to change colour temperature, contrast.  and combining different files of the same subject.  And sometimes photomatix can  just 'lift' the picture from something quite ordinary to something quite beautiful.

    I do miss traditional photography at times, with film and watching the pictures appear in the darkroom.  But my enlarger is in the loft and it would be quite an investment in paper and chemicals to go back to those times. Nostalgia, as they say, is a thing of the past.

  • Martian Tom said:

    ...and Trainspotter.  Wow!  I've just looked at your photos, too.  Amazing!  You have a unique eye.  And I love the colours.  Do you used any software like PhotoShop or Gimp?

    I do use photoshop - I have an old version on my desktop computer and photoshop elephants on my laptop (just noticed I've put 'elephants' instead of elements, but I'll leave that in, my new name for it!).  I also have other programs, the one I use for HDR is called Photomatix.  I have a very old program called Professor Franklin's photographic effects which is very good for adding instant effects and use it in conjunction with Photoshop and photomatix.

    But I do try to use them in a subtle way where possible, and not all the same effect.  I'm forever tweaking the controls to change colour temperature, contrast.  and combining different files of the same subject.  And sometimes photomatix can  just 'lift' the picture from something quite ordinary to something quite beautiful.

    I do miss traditional photography at times, with film and watching the pictures appear in the darkroom.  But my enlarger is in the loft and it would be quite an investment in paper and chemicals to go back to those times. Nostalgia, as they say, is a thing of the past.

  • Martian Tom said:

    ...and Trainspotter.  Wow!  I've just looked at your photos, too.  Amazing!  You have a unique eye.  And I love the colours.  Do you used any software like PhotoShop or Gimp?

    They are striking aren't they!

  • Martian Tom said:

    This can make you feel even more lonely and isolated than ever because it seems to emphasise the fact that you are unable to 'make contact' (so to speak) with other human beings. At least when I'm alone in my room I don't have to put up with the stress of 'sticking out like a sore thumb' and the need to put on an act of socialbility.

    I only ever feel lonely when I'm with other people.  Especially at work.  I found out yesterday that a whole group of the people I normally work with, and am quite 'friendly' with (in the sense of talking to them and partnering with them for work purposes) are going out for the evening this evening.  Not only that, but they're all going off on a camping trip together soon.  I doubt I'd go on that, but I might have gone this evening.  But I haven't even been asked.  And they talk about it together quite openly.  I feel more and more isolated at work now.  Yet I'm friendly enough, and people seem to like me.  I hope I get this other job.  Trouble is, that'll mean commuting on a bus at peak times. 

    On the other hand, I'm quite happy doing things on my own in public.  I'll go to the beach for a swim on my own, or to a pub.  If there's a pool or snooker table free wherever I am, I'm fine with playing alone.  I think a lot of people play these games alone.  You can always say you're practising or something.

    [/quote]

    I don't think they intend to exclude you to be mean, Tom. I just think it's a case of you not 'fitting in' with them on some level, something that isn't your fault or their fault. It's a bloody shame because you're obviously the kind of person who makes an effort to be friendly and sociable but because of some 'quirk' (if I may put it that way - no insult intended) in your make-up, there exists a kind of difference in 'wavelength' between you and them

    You are right Tom. Maybe I should persevere and go out more on my own and try to ignore what other people might be thinking.

  • NAS22687 said:

    Liverpool Street station during rush hour: doesn't come much more crowded and busy and it's hard not to feel isolated, alone and scared in a sea of people and an atmosphere that's usually awash with fear and anger.  Still dunno how I did that for years.

    Which I guess leads on to business sense: life's too short for that sort of thing!  As much as I'd like to "be my own boss", the cost is definitely too high.

    I feel really sorry for people who have to commute daily because I can't imagine having to do it myself. It's stressful enough for the 'average' person but so much more difficult for people who have an autistic nature. However, 'needs must', as they say.

  • Trainspotter said:

    And yes, it is sometimes reassuring that others are nearby.  Conversely, a crowded area can be the loneliest place on earth. (discuss!)

    Yep and it's worse if you go somewhere on your own where other people are enjoying themselves because the sense of isolation you feel can be worse.

    I have been tenpin bowling a couple of times in the past, on my own, and it was ok at first but then I kept noticing everyone else playing with other people and began feeling a bit conspicuous because I was the only one there playing by myself. It could have just been my imagination, but if you think about it, places like that are designed to promote social pursuits which, natuarally, implies groups of people interacting in a fun game.

    This can make you feel even more lonely and isolated than ever because it seems to emphasise the fact that you are unable to 'make contact' (so to speak) with other human beings. At least when I'm alone in my room I don't have to put up with the stress of 'sticking out like a sore thumb' and the need to put on an act of socialbility.

    It's probably a better idea to persue something that does not necessarily require the company of other people like fishing or photography, for example. Unfortunately I'm not that interested in either, although maybe if I gave them a go I would be pleasantly surprised. 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    lostmyway said:

    Ahhh...there's a word I really like but don't hear that often - capricious! 

    Goat-like, I believe, which seems appropriate!  I once won a rather nice leather-bound dictionary thanks to my then favourite word being "goat".

    Trainspotter said:

    And yes, it is sometimes reassuring that others are nearby.  Conversely, a crowded area can be the loneliest place on earth. (discuss!)

    Liverpool Street station during rush hour: doesn't come much more crowded and busy and it's hard not to feel isolated, alone and scared in a sea of people and an atmosphere that's usually awash with fear and anger.  Still dunno how I did that for years.

    Which I guess leads on to business sense: life's too short for that sort of thing!  As much as I'd like to "be my own boss", the cost is definitely too high.

  • Lostmyway

    Problem is I have no business sense! 

    And yes, it is sometimes reassuring that others are nearby.  Conversely, a crowded area can be the loneliest place on earth. (discuss!)

  • Ahhh...there's a word I really like but don't hear that often - capricious! 

    Kind of exotic and Italian.

    vometia, I think Trainspotter could have been a professional photographer, or graphic designer - something like that.

    Anyway, alluding to what you said about being alone but not being alone, I like to visit the library and find the ambience good because it is an place of study and being in the company of (although not necessarily interacting with) other people, is quite stimulating without being over-stimulating. 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I'm enjoying the HDR photos: which is unusual for me as it's not something I often care for as it's so often overdone, but in your case you've used it just to expand the range of details or to give a slightly arty effect.  I'm a particular fan of really saturated colours too, it's nice to see deep blue skies when they often just come out white in my photos!

    Back to the broader subject matter, I certainly relate and prefer to do things on my own.  I'm a bit capricious like that because I don't like to actually be alone and away from other people, I like to have company nearby, but I also prefer to be left to my own devices.

  • I suppose anything can be turned into an art with the right approach.

    In the movie 'A Beautiful Mind' there was one line in it that still resonates with me: "Mathematics is an art!"

    It seems to me, Trainspotter, that you are an example of someone with 'special interests' (as they call them) who has successfully combined them into an absorbing (if solitary) hobby.

    It's a pity you haven't had the opportunity pass on to others your knowledge since it is knowledge that has been gained through true passion. In fact, it is because of people like you that advances in various fields has been made in the past.

  • lostmyway said:

    I find this fascinating because it seems art and photography are merging into a new form.

    I always remember a quote from David Bailey on the wireless in the early 1980's.  He said that Tony Snowdon (Lord Snowdon) had said that photography is not an art.  David Bailey said 'and it's not - at least in his case!'

    There has always been a difference of opinion between those who consider photography an 'Art' and those who don't.  It is not a coincidence that in the nineteenth century when photography was taking off, that was the period that impressionist artists flourished.

    I remember being told 'its not the box in your hand that creates the picture but the box in your head'.  I think that people's hobbies and interests and the way they pursue them tell far more about the person than any number of qualifications or their employment history ever will.  After all, people are not generally cajoled into their favourite hobbies which are carried out for personal satisfaction and pleasure.

  • I find this fascinating because it seems art and photography are merging into a new form.

    It seems your perfectionism (which, I daresay, is one of your autistic traits) is being put to creative use in the world of photography.

  • Hi Lost my way, Asperigerix, Pixifox

    Many thanks for your messages of appreciation for my pictures.

    I do try to do something with the pictures using various software in combination to add something to the pictures.  The effect of the 'painting' is because I often take three pictures, one overexposed, one underexposed and one at the 'normal' exposure which are then combined.  This is called hdr photograph (hdr standing for 'High Dynamic Range').  Ostensibly this is to give an extended range of tones, with detail in both the shadows and the highlights.  However, by 'tweaking' the colours, the exposure and sharpness the picture can gain a number of different effects.  Some you win, some you lose!

    A lot of subjects can look plain and ordinary if just left as a pure record, so this can add an extra dimension.  Something that was impractical (or would take days) to do with film is now so much easier in digital, although it still takes a long time to do even with a computer. I like to think the effect adds to the picture and not detract and I have some idea as to what I am trying to do when I start.  I am not one for plain white skies!

    Yes, I do try to add a bit of dynamism to the pictures rather than have them 'static'.  And I spend a lot of time getting rid of bits I don't want, wires, people, etc, although with people it is often better to wait until they have moved - I have waited an hour and a half at times for a scene to not have people in inappropriate places.  Sometimes I have combined pictures from the same viewpoint and used bits of each to 'build' the picture so it does not have people in the wrong place but the lighting has to be consistent for that to be successful.

    I am told I must be patient.  I think it is something different to this.  It is seeing possiblilites and working towards that.  Sometimes that may mean scrapping something I have worked hours at and starting again.  But patience for its own sake - just waiting around with no clear view as to what might happen, or nothing appearing to happen - well I would not say I have that!

  • Trainspotter, looking at some of your photos is like looking at, well, almost paintings. Maybe it's just me, but you seemed to have managed to bring a quality to some of your work that is more than just a photographic representation of a scene but also seems 'impressionistic' to me.

    Was this intentional? 

    Also, your photos contain a lot of character, rather than just being bland and predictable.

  • Sending apologies to you Aspergerix, have re-read and sounds critical which wasn't my intention.  I have a (very critical) family member who refers to me as a loner - it stings - I reacted badly when I read the word: loner.  It triggered a feeling from somewhere. 

    It's understable that NTs picking up on your divergence and then excluding you were very harsh circumstances to be in for you.  I'm very sorry you went through this.  You've been through something that's harrowing and painful.  I hope that you have much less pain and that you now enjoy much more peace and comfort.  You are a valued member of the community here.  No - you didn't use any perjorative language - the pejorative voice I heard was another's.  Sending warm wishes,

  • Hi trainspotters

    I think your photography is amazing too. It seems that creativity is common in the Aspie brain. 

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