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I Don't Know Who I Am

Senator

I've had full Autistic Spectrum Disorder since 2011 and since then life has been a struggle. I was a teenager when I was diagnosed and somehow before 2011, life seemed easier and almost certainly I was happier. In recent years I've been really upset and sometimes depressed, once I even thought about a sex change and wondered if becoming a girl would help improve my ASD, but I never went through with that.

With my ASD I find that I worry a lot about all sorts of small and big things. Since 2011 I've had a fear of being sick which I can't seem to cure and I also worry about health and diseases, to the extent that I had to have my internet monitored by my Dad to make sure I didn't look any diseases up!

The worst part of my ASD is not knowing who I am ... for years now I've tried so hard at so many different things, writing, game creating, singing and many more. I'm good at them all and could do them, but they never last. I do those sort of things for a few days max and then I become all sad and unhappy wondering what to do for my future. I don't go out often and therefore have never met a girl to hopefully one day marry. I just feel like life is going nowhere and that I'm never going to find out who I am and what my future will hold!

Has anyone else been through a similar experience, or if you have any advice then please, please share.

Hugs.

Matthew.

  • I can certainly relate to chronic worrying, Senator. The smallest thing can set me off worrying and what can go wrong with some forthcoming event, even though my rational mind tells me it is just silly to get so upset. It's quite annoying because you think why is it that other people seem to 'take things in their stride' and get on with their lives. I tend to become obsessive about certain things even though they would seem very silly to someone else. For example, just recently, I was thinking about a particular interpretation of quantum mechanics called 'The Many World's Interpretation' and whether it really was a legitimate idea. It can totally absorb my thoughts and wind me up terribly and put me under a lot of stress, which seems totally daft to most people because it really isn't that important in the scheme of things but I guess this is one of the unfortunate traits of Aspies.

  • Hi,

    I'm sorry you go through obsessive worrying as well! I'm the same, the smallest things can set me off, usually to do with health and diseases but anything and everything can trigger my worrying. I completely understand where you're coming from when you said that to others it seems silly worrying about the things we worry about, and you're so right. The things I worry about can feel really silly, but to me they're huge problems and are really difficult to control.

    I'm sorry you go through worrying patches like these as well. Hope you're not feeling too worried today :)

    Matthew.

  • Thank you for your reply Pixie :) it's good to know that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. Thank you for the link and advice as well, I'll look in to it all and will ask my Dad for help on where to go from and what to do next.

    Thank you again.

    Hugs,

    Matthew.

  • Hi Matthew and welcome 

    I'm female, and I can assure you being of the feminine gender doesn't help - NT women expect all other women to be highly sociable and chat about specific "women's"  interests. Actually I have wished I'd been born male a few times, although I wouldn't want to change - particularly as I'm married to a heterosexual man! 

    I'm quite a lot older than you, but have only known for a few months that I'm an Aspie. I've read lots of books and articles, and this website is really good:

    franklludwig.com/autismappreciation.html

    I think it would be good for you to try to meet others with similar interests. The NAS have meet up groups and a befriending /mentoring service - look under "schools and services".  There is also a website called "Aspie Village" where you can share ideas and chat with others, and they have details of meet ups sometimes too. 

    All the best 

    Pixie