• Replies 8 replies
  • Subscribers 26 subscribers
  • Views 2142 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Can somebody please help?

Jadey

Hi everyone, I really need some advice and dont know where to turn to. Im sorry if i bore you all but I dont know who else i can talk to.

My brother is 17 and has autism and ADHD. My mum is a single parent who is literally having a mental breakdown. She is under a severe depression and having to deal with my brother who at the age of 17 wants to start drinking, smoking, driving, get a job ect like every other 17 year old. He has a place at a residential school and comes home every 3 weeks for the weekend however since christmas he has refused to go back. 

My mum is really struggling financially and literally has £5 left a month after paying bills ect. My brother is totally oblivious to this and just thinks that money grows on trees. 

My mum is so worried about his future that she broke down to me this morning about how horrible her life is. Does anybody realise that horrible feeling when you see somebody you care about so much in pain yet you feel so helpless??????? 

My mum has never done anything with her life. She has met several men in the past and has never had a relationship last over a year due to them not understanding my brothers disabilities. She has never had a job as she has been a full time carer to my brother. She hasnt left the house in weeks and is desperate to get a part time job to make some friends and get out of the house however my brother follows her absolutely everywhere and refuses to be alone.

If she gets in the bath he will sit outside the door and tell her to hurry up and when shes out he just shouts and talks down to her. I dont know if there are carers that can look after him while my mum goes to work but he is nearly 18 and there is no doubt in my mind that he will let her go to work. He wont stay with carers and will simply smash the whole house up or run out.

Being 20 and still living with my mum and watching it day and night i feel absolutely helpless. I work full time and come home to my mum crying because shes had such a bad day with him. I give her as much money as i can but i feel like i need to do more to help her. 

Ive thought about giving up my job in a nursery to help her during the day but i studied so hard at college to get this job i feel like ill be putting my life on hold to sort out my brothers problems. 

I could go on forever but hopefully you get the idea. Does anybody have know what I can do to help my mum or someone we can go to for support? We have a social worker  but my mum doesnt want to tell her everything in fear of him being taken away? 

  • hi, you are not responsible for your mum or your brother it is hard on you and probably always has been. Why will your brother not go back is he unhappy there or is it because changes are very difficult for a.s people. Try to persuade your mum to get help for herself from G.P.   I am also a single parent, always have been, with an 18yr old with aspergers, adhd,dyspraxia and cerebral palsy. It isnt easy and often lonely but I love my son however much I feel I cant cope anymore, sometimes I just need to offload all my feeelings to the nearest person. Your mum is very lucky to have your love and support and so is your brother. Hang in there when he becomes more settled, in a routine, try to encourage your mum to get a job or hobby. I found work to be a great help, just focusing on other things helps me. If your brothers place isnt suiting him speak to social worker about other options like a day centre for example. things do get better x

  • Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.

    I've contacted the NAS help line today.

    I am so grateful for all your support

    Insearchofself

  • Hello Insearchofself

    It sounds like you have been through an incredibly difficult time. It's good to know that you seem to be working through this and taking some hopefully positive steps towards improving the situation for you all.

    If you have any issues you would like to discuss or need any further advice, then I would also urge you to try one of the NAS advice lines. The links I've posted above will help you find the Community Care line if you want any more information in that area, or the Parent to parent service if you would like to talk things through.

    It's good to hear from you here, and I hope everything goes well.

    Sandra - mod

  •  My son is 20 and Autistic.

    He has done so many things to me. To painful to go into details. He has only stop short of raping me.

    He has frequently touched me inappropiately and even threaten me with a broken cup.

    The past 3years has seen me gone to hell and back. The situation has affected my health terribly.

    Although social services is involve and working on rehousing him, at present we are concern as to whether or not it would work. So, in order to save myself I had to make an inform decision.........

    He is now living with his father. It wasn't an easy decision, but I can now see that he has finally accepted the fact that he will no longer be living with me.

    The most challenging decision I have ever had to make.

    Encourage your mum to accept any help that is offered.  I wish you all the best. 

     

  • Hello Jadey and everyone else who is reading this and having similar problems.

    I'm very sorry to hear about the problems you and your families have been facing.

    Jadey - I would hope that your brother's social worker should be there to help your family and help provide whatever support is needed. If your mother is very worried about speaking to them perhaps one of you could try the NAS Community Care line first:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Advice-and-information-services/Community-care-service.aspx

    They'll be able to talk through your situation with you and advise you about what help might be available.

    Also, I though it might be useful to include a link to other NAS services for anyone who has any issues or needs advice:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/advice-and-information-services.aspx

    If you're not sure exactly which service is most appropriate, try the Autism Helpline first and they'll point you in the right direction.

    Good luck with everything.

    Sandra - mod

  • I am a single mother of a 3 year old son with autism and ADHD and a 13 year old daughter with aspergers. I have no family or friends to help with my son and his father left when he was 18 months old. His fathers family never bothered with him either.

    I have no life whatsoever either. I cannot have a job as my sons needs are so severe, also he doesn't speak. Shopping is an absolute nightmare due to his tantrums so we cant leave the house much. We dont see anyone that doesn't have something to do with my kids ASD.

    My son gets very violent and can scream and tantrum for hours daily. We have problems with every aspect of his life. My daughter cannot cope with his tantrums and screaming and now has depression trying to live with our impossible lives. We are left dealing with these enormous difficulties that no "normal" people understand. Any friends are scared off by the prospect of dealing with such situations. There is no hope of a relationship because of the huge responsibilty we bare. When other problems are also thrown into the mix life seems like it's not really worth living some of the time. Help is scares and respite is 2 4 hour breaks used up doing the housework i cant do with my son here 24/7 and the noisey housework he cannot bare (hypersensitive hearing). I no longer enjoy anything anymore. i cannot even watch grown up tv at all anymore as my son throws tantrums and breaks up the house. when he finally goes to sleep 12-1 am i'm too tired to do anything i would enjoy.

     

    As i write this my son is pulling my arm away from the computer and hitting me.

    I feel your mothers pain as life without living is not life at all.

  • Have you got anywhere with the referral to the ASD counseler?

    Have you tried getting in touch with the helpline here? It does take a good week for anyone to get back in touch with you, but hopefully they might be able to put you in touch with people who can help your mum out.

  • hey jadey,imsorry to hear of the predicament you arein...it sounds asif you are having a tough timeyourself, not just your mum..... with your brother and school, has anyone asked the reason why he does not want to go back into education, maybe trouble at school, concentration, learning or maybe could be down to his age.

    if you maybe cannot find a reason, for the school and also with behaviour, the one who is there to help and support you is the social work team...i will admit they maybe scary, and the worry of them stepping in too far is daunting but they are the ones who are there to help....ifyou dont want to use them and maybe cannot confide in themjust yet, thereshould be support groups in your area which will be happyto lend and ear.....you could also look at your localcouncil website also searching onlinecould opens new doors.

    other people you can turn to are your local gp's, who can also help and support you, your mum and your brother.

    i hope you find this helpful and you, your mum and brother can get the support you need and want!