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Help and Advice on Relationships

takemetotheocean

I am desperately seeking help and advice.

I have recently got into a relationship with a lovely guy but we are having difficulties in understanding and happily going along together. The stress and arguments are obviously negatively impacting on our very new relationship and I personally have never feel so disillusioned and confused before. From the very off he has been upfront about having autism and we discussed at length what that would mean and how it affects him. However in practise it has become quite different and I'm finding it very difficult to avoid arguments and keep things happy. There have been several instances which have culminated in arguments and tears over things I cannot understand that have annoyed him and as a result upset me. 

Although  our relationship is very new I do care a lot about him and want to try my best to understand and see if any adaptations can be made to how we go about things as I think if we both understood clearly the situations and dilemmas there would be very little issue. I have read a lot of material on " how to be in a relationship and handle HFA" but evety article only seems to imply I need to change everything about myself to help him which I cannot do and he doesn't want. I'm writing this post to seek the help and advice I think we both need to live more harmoniously and cut out some of the arguments. 

A few examples of the clashes are him getting exceptionally angry and shouting when I greeted my homosexual, longstanding friend with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. To me this was completely natural and I thought absolutely nothing of it but to him I was purposefully making him jealous and it was unacceptable although we both know my friend to be gay.. I had no intention of hurting him but I don't want to change every thing I do and in the process change myself to keep him happy as that isn't a healthy relationship. After a lot of arguing and stress to both there still wasn't any clear resolution which bothers me and I'm sure bothers him. 

I wont deny I'm a free spirit and severely independent so being controlled and having little freedom makes me very unhappy. For the past week at least I feel I have had to keep quiet, not voice any opinions or grievances and try to toe the line to keep him happy. This means not disagreeing with anything he says ( otherwise he argues I'm being humpy and bitter towards him when I just sometimes disagree with an opinion as all human beings occasionally do).

I'm struggling to handle the negativities and treading on egg shells and I'm desperately seeking advice or any kind of solution so we can both be happy as we have agreed that we don't want to split. 

Thank-you in advance 

Parents

  • Hi. I am not sure that it is really the Aspergers that is mkaing your partner so jealous. He just sounds jealous. Men without Aspergers may also get jealous if they saw you kissing another man. I have Aspergers and don't get jealous at all if my partner kisses or hugs someone else. It does not cross my mind that they are trying to make me jealous.

    I think you just have to keep talking things through and he has to try and understand you as much as you understand him. If there is no common ground and one person is doing ALL the compromising then thats going to be tough. My partner and I have been together for 15 years and its been tricky. but we have found a pretty steady format that works OK.

    It sounds like you are doing the best thing by trying to talk and understand Aspergers. One thing that I need is my own space, routines and time to myself. I restore and feel ok. I don't think I could live with someone unless I had my own space.

    Don't expect too much from him emotionaly. Also be very clear with him, don't expect that he will have understood any 'hints' or that he will interpret your moods correctlly. Just spell things out and then there is lees chance of misunderstandings (and arguments).

    I can't understand my partner sometimes. I ask if she is annoyed with me. She might just be tired. Or it might be that I am not feeling so good. It all get mixed up. I find it hard understanding other people and lalso myself so talking straighforward and frank helps and is reasuring.

    I think sometimes people can attribute actions and thoughts to 'Aspergers' when in fact that is not just the reason or cause.

    Good luck ;)

Reply

  • Hi. I am not sure that it is really the Aspergers that is mkaing your partner so jealous. He just sounds jealous. Men without Aspergers may also get jealous if they saw you kissing another man. I have Aspergers and don't get jealous at all if my partner kisses or hugs someone else. It does not cross my mind that they are trying to make me jealous.

    I think you just have to keep talking things through and he has to try and understand you as much as you understand him. If there is no common ground and one person is doing ALL the compromising then thats going to be tough. My partner and I have been together for 15 years and its been tricky. but we have found a pretty steady format that works OK.

    It sounds like you are doing the best thing by trying to talk and understand Aspergers. One thing that I need is my own space, routines and time to myself. I restore and feel ok. I don't think I could live with someone unless I had my own space.

    Don't expect too much from him emotionaly. Also be very clear with him, don't expect that he will have understood any 'hints' or that he will interpret your moods correctlly. Just spell things out and then there is lees chance of misunderstandings (and arguments).

    I can't understand my partner sometimes. I ask if she is annoyed with me. She might just be tired. Or it might be that I am not feeling so good. It all get mixed up. I find it hard understanding other people and lalso myself so talking straighforward and frank helps and is reasuring.

    I think sometimes people can attribute actions and thoughts to 'Aspergers' when in fact that is not just the reason or cause.

    Good luck ;)

Children
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