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Help and Advice on Relationships

takemetotheocean

I am desperately seeking help and advice.

I have recently got into a relationship with a lovely guy but we are having difficulties in understanding and happily going along together. The stress and arguments are obviously negatively impacting on our very new relationship and I personally have never feel so disillusioned and confused before. From the very off he has been upfront about having autism and we discussed at length what that would mean and how it affects him. However in practise it has become quite different and I'm finding it very difficult to avoid arguments and keep things happy. There have been several instances which have culminated in arguments and tears over things I cannot understand that have annoyed him and as a result upset me. 

Although  our relationship is very new I do care a lot about him and want to try my best to understand and see if any adaptations can be made to how we go about things as I think if we both understood clearly the situations and dilemmas there would be very little issue. I have read a lot of material on " how to be in a relationship and handle HFA" but evety article only seems to imply I need to change everything about myself to help him which I cannot do and he doesn't want. I'm writing this post to seek the help and advice I think we both need to live more harmoniously and cut out some of the arguments. 

A few examples of the clashes are him getting exceptionally angry and shouting when I greeted my homosexual, longstanding friend with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. To me this was completely natural and I thought absolutely nothing of it but to him I was purposefully making him jealous and it was unacceptable although we both know my friend to be gay.. I had no intention of hurting him but I don't want to change every thing I do and in the process change myself to keep him happy as that isn't a healthy relationship. After a lot of arguing and stress to both there still wasn't any clear resolution which bothers me and I'm sure bothers him. 

I wont deny I'm a free spirit and severely independent so being controlled and having little freedom makes me very unhappy. For the past week at least I feel I have had to keep quiet, not voice any opinions or grievances and try to toe the line to keep him happy. This means not disagreeing with anything he says ( otherwise he argues I'm being humpy and bitter towards him when I just sometimes disagree with an opinion as all human beings occasionally do).

I'm struggling to handle the negativities and treading on egg shells and I'm desperately seeking advice or any kind of solution so we can both be happy as we have agreed that we don't want to split. 

Thank-you in advance 

  • Hi. I am not sure that it is really the Aspergers that is mkaing your partner so jealous. He just sounds jealous. Men without Aspergers may also get jealous if they saw you kissing another man. I have Aspergers and don't get jealous at all if my partner kisses or hugs someone else. It does not cross my mind that they are trying to make me jealous.

    I think you just have to keep talking things through and he has to try and understand you as much as you understand him. If there is no common ground and one person is doing ALL the compromising then thats going to be tough. My partner and I have been together for 15 years and its been tricky. but we have found a pretty steady format that works OK.

    It sounds like you are doing the best thing by trying to talk and understand Aspergers. One thing that I need is my own space, routines and time to myself. I restore and feel ok. I don't think I could live with someone unless I had my own space.

    Don't expect too much from him emotionaly. Also be very clear with him, don't expect that he will have understood any 'hints' or that he will interpret your moods correctlly. Just spell things out and then there is lees chance of misunderstandings (and arguments).

    I can't understand my partner sometimes. I ask if she is annoyed with me. She might just be tired. Or it might be that I am not feeling so good. It all get mixed up. I find it hard understanding other people and lalso myself so talking straighforward and frank helps and is reasuring.

    I think sometimes people can attribute actions and thoughts to 'Aspergers' when in fact that is not just the reason or cause.

    Good luck ;)

  • Hi. My husband almost certainly has aspergers, so maybe I can give you a bit of insight about relationships with someone on the spectrum, although I may find it easier as I've recently realised that I have aspergers too (currently awaiting assessment, but scored high on the AQ screening test)

    You say you discussed how things affect your partner with him, however I wonder if there are some issues which he either feels too shy or awkward to talk about, or isn't even actually aware of. For example, me and my husband are very possessive of each other and neither of us would feel comfortable kissing anyone apart from each other. Although you say he knows your friend is gay, he may feel that because he wouldn't feel comfortable about kissing a friend, the fact that you do so means that you feel as close to your friend as you do to him, which makes it seem to him that your friend is a rival for your affections. He may also feel insecure about the strength of your love for him. 

    Being on the Autistic spectrum means living with anxiety much of the time and usually seeing things very much as black and white or right and wrong, so for him to accept that you are right about something may mean he has to categorise himself as wrong, which will probably cause anxiety. This is not because he's an egomaniac - he is likely to be extremely self critical.

    Being male means that he may feel pressure to act in a masculine way, which could make him reluctant to discuss how he feels, and to show anger when he feels threatened or his emotions overwhelm him. 

    You don't say what specific problems your partner has (we're all individuals with different strengths and weaknesses) so I can only give general advice that might or might not help. I would suggest that you give lots of reassurance that you love him, ensure that you give plenty of notice if you want to go out somewhere with him or change a routine, always be honest with him, tell him how you feel, and if you don't agree with him explain that you can see his point of view, but you have a reason to look at things differently (to hopefully stop him thinking his opinion is wrong if he accepts your view). When out in social situations, remember that noise and crowds often affect people on the spectrum negatively, so if he seems agitated or unhappy it might be a good idea to take him off somewhere quiet for a while, to give him a breather away from anxiety triggers. Also, maybe you could explain to your gay friend why you kissing him can cause your partner to feel uncomfortable, and so you won't be doing this when your partner is around, at least for a short time while you work on strengthening your relationship. 

    Also, keep in mind the positive points about your partner, try to laugh about things together, share your hopes, dreams and ideas and enjoy life together.