My AS son and my relationship with my new partner

Hello.  This is my first post on this site - I've never done anything like this before!  I'd love to find out whether anyone else can offer me advice or just generally chat, if they have experience the same sort of problems.

My 9 year old son was diagnosed with Aspergers about 6 months ago.  The trouble I am having is as follows:

I got divorced 3 years ago from the father of my son.  He seemed to cope with it very well.  For the last 2 and a half years I've had a new man in my life and we now live together with my 2 boys, one aged 5 and my AS son who has just turned 9.

The problem I have is that my partner doesn't seem to accept that my son has AS.  He just thinks he is badly behaved and rude.  My partner simply does not get along with my 9 year old.  He treats my son as a "normal" child when it comes to discipline which usually involves him getting angry and shouting at him, which in turn makes my son very angry and upset.  I don't know what to do, I don't want to undermine my partner but feel sorry for my son sometimes when he gets so upset.

I find it difficult to differentiate between bad behaviour because of his Aspergers or whether it is just bad behaviour.  I don't know what to do or how to discipline my son.  I am getting no help from the authority that diagnosed him and don't know where to turn.  I have thought about getting private counselling for anger management.  My son gets very angry.

Has anyone else experienced similar or can anyone offer any advice that may help?

Many thanks.

  • On reading it again, it could come accross very negitive towards your partner. That was not my intention and I am sorry for that.  My husband struggle with my son's diagnosis and since he has found out about the AS he has started to understand our son and sees some of the issues Joe goes through, helping him deal with them in a manner which helps Joe. He use to get very cross and angry with him which is perfectly normal reaction because that was the only way hubby could deal with it. I think that is was i was trying to say.  We have had to change us rather than Joe which to be honest is the hardest thing off all.

    I'm hope with all my heart your partner comes to terms and sees your son for what he is a really speacial child.  Would love to chat more.... xxx

  • Thanks - what a lovely reply.  I'm glad I'm not alone.  Will get my partner to read it!  Have a happy new year.  Will chat soon. x

  • Hi T'smum,

    Bless you. you sound so upset and desperate. Please believe me when I say you are not alone. I really feel for you and empertise with what your going through, its a really tough time for you.

    I have to say this but I think your partner need to sort himself out, he sounds like he has the issue not your son. Your partner needs to understand what Aspergers is and the effect change can have on a child with the condition no matter how smalll that change is. He is the adult after all and shouting at him is proberly having the opporsite effect on him and it's not at all helpfull for any of you. Your partner needs to accept the AS because is part of your son and he is not going to change. Your partner can change however and the smailest understanding he could get could have the most wonderful effect on your son. It hard getting other people to understand you have my totall empathy but keep at him, you will get there.

    I get this alot when family/friends think my son is just being naughty but in reality there are always an undelaying problem causing the behaviour. I have started to understand AS now and to be honest it has been a real eye opener. Biggest breakthrough we had was just to put ourselves in my sons shoes so we see everthing from his perspective. The way he thinks is different to us and understanding that is key. Read as much as you can. This website is amazing. Tony Attwood books are good too.

    How does he get on at School? Speak to them ask if there are any problems because the problem might not be at home, it could be at school.

    My son gets very angry - he hits out a lot over the silliest of things. He hit me last night because I turned the tele off to go to bed. I dont acknowledge the hitting when he does it, I just calmly tell him its wrong and we carry on. Normally he is so sorry for himself when he does it that his reaction to what hes done is enough. If something is not going his way then all hell can break out. We tend to let it go and just to let him calm down in his own way. So long as he is in no danger to himself or others it's best to just let him get on with coming to terms with this when your with other people is hard though.  We have had furniture thrown, he treatened me with a rolling pin a couple off weeks ago but I know in my heart that my son would not hurt me or other people because he is such a lovely child. So I put this down to frustration at the issue and the AS and quite honestly, people dont like that then that their problem. I am doing the best for my child and mums always know best.

    My heart and thoughts are with you and I pray that things soon start to become better for you. Fancy a chat then by all mean contact me.

    Mozlady  xxxx