At the end of my witts

bigred said:

I am new to this forum, I am feeling so upset right now and I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling. because 1 - no one I know understands and 2 - I will be judged. I have a two and a half year old seveerly autistic child. He has no language and very limited (if any) understanding of anything, there is not much in the way of eye contact and even less in the way of wanting to give or recieve effection, he doesn't respond to his name - or anything really, he does walk and run and climb up and down the stairs (but isn't safe) he is unbearably busy, with no consept of danger, he handflapps and makes clicking noises with his mouth a lot. He has very demanding behaviours and can be visious and nasty physically which i find unbearable to cope with. I am also in very poor health since this pregnancy so I am finding it extra specially hard, and I am so tired. I am not a young mum, I have 2 other vertually grown up children from my first marriage, and 2 from this one. I feel too old and ill to do babies and small children again anyway. especially a little one with these problems. and especially since my health took a nose dive off a cliff.

Ontop of that I am deeply miserable in my marriage. my husband is totally non supportive and has no understanding, nor does he care about my health conditions, even though he has been told repeatedly about them by both myself and health proffesionals. he still expects me to be able to run around and do everything like a young fit 20 yr old and when I fail he gets nasty. 

All I think about day and night is up and leaving them all, i couldn't take my 2 and a half year old because aside from the fact i am finding it so hard, he rather likes my husband and seemingly hates me. My other son who is "normal" seems to prefure his dad too so I think i should just take my eldest girl (the only one still at home) and go, I am not saying I dont love my younger children, but everything is just so very hard, and i dont even think my youngest would know if i were gone :'( 

Hi BigRed

I am so sad to read what you are going through.  Me and my wife had a similar situation when our son was 2.  Fortunately, although our marriage was disfunctional at the time, we were able to co-operate when it came to looking after him.  He was in a similar condition you describe about your son.

We were very fortunate to have found a specialist clinic we went to for 3 weeks, and which turned our son's condition around.  Unfortunately, they don't take children over 2 any more, as they specialise in working with pre-toddlers.  But as well as working with him and bringing out the best in him, they also taught us how to maintain it, and how critical the environment around him was.  He may have seemed cut off, but he was actually absorbing everything he could see and hear, and if we argued or got heavy and depressed about his condition (which we did often), this would only make the world seem like a less inviting place to engage with.

If your husband is really being so agressive and physical, it can only be having a massively detrimental effect on your son (as well as you, of course).  I would very strongly suggest that you try to convince him that things cannot go on like this - they have to change.  Not only for yourself, but also for you son.  Do you think you could persuade him to go to somewhere like Relate with you for marriage guidance (we did this, and it helped)?  It is critical for your son, as well as you and your other children, that this situation resolves, and breaking up the family is not the best way for this to happen, unless all other ways have been sincerely tried and have failed.

I cannot say why your husband is behaving like this - and it may be a long term pattern in him - but is it possible that it is partly that he feels inadequate in terms of knowing how to look after your son, and doesn't know how to express this in any other way, or that he is in denial?  Could you get him to understand that you need, as a family, to get this relationship sorted out for the sake of the children, and that you both need help to do it?  The best way, would be to come at it from a place of not making him wrong or blaming him or even complaining about how difficult things are for you.  These are all very real things, but are not likely to inspire him to join you at the beginning.  Better to come at it from the point of view that you are both doing your best - however inadequate that best might be - and that you actually want to support each other - that you didn't get married to make each other miserable and that if you could get back to a good place, then everything could be different for everyone.

I wish you the best with all of this.  I am not trying to simplify it or say that there is one easy solution to this (like the "have a bath and pull yourself together" response you got).  It is really tough - I know from experience, and it sounds like yours is even more complicated.  I hope you find a way forward to heal your relationship with your husband.  I am very happy to share with you more about how we helped to bring our son round, but the first step is to get a good environment around him and a feeling of strength and positivity in yourself.  I hope this comes much faster and more easily than you can imagine at this moment.

I know exactly where you are coming from, have just posted something similar on the get to know you page as I had run out of places to turn to where people understand. I'm also an older, second time round mum so I totally get how much harder things are later on in life. My partner is also totally useless when dealing with our son's problems but still expects me to be a domestic goddess while coping with him, an autistic three year old and a six year old, pretty much by myself. Just reading your post has already made me feel like I'm not alone.

Could your eldest child help you at all? I know it's not fair to rely on them but my daughter who is twenty one is my life line! Just having her come to our house and play with the children for a while helps so much

Above post reported to moderators.

Well got that of your chest! I dont know of any parent who has not at some time or other felt at there whitts end, tired, drained, fed up even without looking after someone with additional needs. And assume alot do not always get the other halfs support.

Sometimes it does us good to step back, take you time, easier said than done I know. But perhaps it may do you some good to have some you time to chill on your own, forget everything and everyone. Even just a bath helps, right Im going in the bath or even to your room. Inform the other half that your doing this and they can look after the kids for that hour and you dont want to be disturbed. You could build up on this, groups are available and helpful. I know well dont want to go, dont know anyone, but hey thats how we all start, it gives you time out and your with people who are or have gone through the same. Most importantly you can say what you feel and not be judged, please dont feel alone and isolate yourself.