Appointment with my local Mental Health Team

Recombinant - associative lateral thinking minds huh? I know Im like that. I can jump around from task to task as each one sparks another idea for a lateral move. I very rarely get anything get complete. Unless Im at work, then I stress over being able to complete things. It does cause friction at work because I often throw the toys out of the pram so to speak and feel im being bullied and victimised. Of course, it may be that others are simply better at multitasking and switching between tasks easily.

Limit myself to a single page? I'm already on three pages describing my need for control, the cycling anxiety and depression, the obvious deep unhappiness, the desire to do more, the fact Im held back, the problems approaching people, not knowing what to say, jealous of other people in their conversations, the lack of connectedness, the lack of depth, the filters, the problems in group discussions, my zoning out of discussions, anxiety and confidence problems going into some venues, the same job, still living with parents, problems motivating myself...

That's before I get onto everything else including

How I hide myself and my feelings very well - not many people pick up on me being anxious or being depressed, or my feeling uncomfortable. Like when I go round to someones house and have to take my shoes off so I walk around in socks. It's a grotesque feeling. I can't stand it. But I've never felt empowered to actually acknowledge that before. Not even to myself. Then there's my inability to approach a woman I might like, the fact I don't like dancing (I always said it was fear of embarrassment, but actually, logically, it isn't - Im just not comfortable doing it!), I want to be in the limelight but I can't do it, Im shy, Im quiet, I don't stand up for myself, Im not assertive, some people think Im aggressive, I don't understand acquaintances, my friendship spreadsheet, my obsession with some women, my ability self limit pretend something isn't as bad as what it is in a therapy session, my inability to say anything, my need to script/practice conversation, and then the fact I basically can't identify my feelings, or where they come from, it's just easier for me to push them out the way and pretend it's something else. Take dancing for example. Have I been lying to myself all the time? Do I really fear embarrassment, or is it just that I feel uncomfortable? If it's fear, why do I say uncomfortable now? If I am just uncomfortable, why have I said fear so many times previously?

And what's changed now?

I just hope I can get out half of this stuff out there. 

The bigger problem for me, is that you've got to show where it's impacting your life. Problem for me, is that half of these things, I can take it or leave it. I function, I work, I go home, I eat, I sleep, relatively normally. Everything else, Im generally not bothered about. I didn't really care for friends for a few years between 18 and 24. It was only through a conselling session telling me the importance of having a, I forget the term, but having people around you, and telling me the importance of being in control that I actually bother with this.

While I can see the ways Im held back, how much it limits me, that's the thing that bothers me. But am I really bothered if I don't go up to the dance floor? No. Not really. Im more bothered people try to get me to go up to dance. Am I bothered that I don't push myself into the limelight? No. Not really. 

I've never been bothered about not having friends. Im happy being alone. But I know it's not healthy for me. That is I guess the difference. What that actually means? I don't know. That sounds really bad towards my friends. 

I know the NHS care more for treating you if it causes you distress. I don't think it does though. Does it?

Thanks for all your posts people.

classic_codger - when I read what people with autism go through, when they describe pain, and skin picking, the intensity of emotions, the wanting to scratch the images out of their head, the curling up in a foetal ball, these are the times I doubt that I could possibly be on the spectrum. That's why I feel like a fraud and a fake. It can't be. All of the pieces don't fit. 

I don't know what to say. Sorry to hear you're hurting so badly though. You're in my prayers and I hope you feel some peace.

You all have definitely helped though. Thanks.

Recombinant - associative lateral thinking minds huh? I know Im like that. I can jump around from task to task as each one sparks another idea for a lateral move. I very rarely get anything get complete. Unless Im at work, then I stress over being able to complete things. It does cause friction at work because I often throw the toys out of the pram so to speak and feel im being bullied and victimised. Of course, it may be that others are simply better at multitasking and switching between tasks easily.

Limit myself to a single page? I'm already on three pages describing my need for control, the cycling anxiety and depression, the obvious deep unhappiness, the desire to do more, the fact Im held back, the problems approaching people, not knowing what to say, jealous of other people in their conversations, the lack of connectedness, the lack of depth, the filters, the problems in group discussions, my zoning out of discussions, anxiety and confidence problems going into some venues, the same job, still living with parents, problems motivating myself...

That's before I get onto everything else including

How I hide myself and my feelings very well - not many people pick up on me being anxious or being depressed, or my feeling uncomfortable. Like when I go round to someones house and have to take my shoes off so I walk around in socks. It's a grotesque feeling. I can't stand it. But I've never felt empowered to actually acknowledge that before. Not even to myself. Then there's my inability to approach a woman I might like, the fact I don't like dancing (I always said it was fear of embarrassment, but actually, logically, it isn't - Im just not comfortable doing it!), I want to be in the limelight but I can't do it, Im shy, Im quiet, I don't stand up for myself, Im not assertive, some people think Im aggressive, I don't understand acquaintances, my friendship spreadsheet, my obsession with some women, my ability self limit pretend something isn't as bad as what it is in a therapy session, my inability to say anything, my need to script/practice conversation, and then the fact I basically can't identify my feelings, or where they come from, it's just easier for me to push them out the way and pretend it's something else. Take dancing for example. Have I been lying to myself all the time? Do I really fear embarrassment, or is it just that I feel uncomfortable? If it's fear, why do I say uncomfortable now? If I am just uncomfortable, why have I said fear so many times previously?

And what's changed now?

I just hope I can get out half of this stuff out there. 

The bigger problem for me, is that you've got to show where it's impacting your life. Problem for me, is that half of these things, I can take it or leave it. I function, I work, I go home, I eat, I sleep, relatively normally. Everything else, Im generally not bothered about. I didn't really care for friends for a few years between 18 and 24. It was only through a conselling session telling me the importance of having a, I forget the term, but having people around you, and telling me the importance of being in control that I actually bother with this.

While I can see the ways Im held back, how much it limits me, that's the thing that bothers me. But am I really bothered if I don't go up to the dance floor? No. Not really. Im more bothered people try to get me to go up to dance. Am I bothered that I don't push myself into the limelight? No. Not really. 

I've never been bothered about not having friends. Im happy being alone. But I know it's not healthy for me. That is I guess the difference. What that actually means? I don't know. That sounds really bad towards my friends. 

I know the NHS care more for treating you if it causes you distress. I don't think it does though. Does it?

Thanks for all your posts people.

classic_codger - when I read what people with autism go through, when they describe pain, and skin picking, the intensity of emotions, the wanting to scratch the images out of their head, the curling up in a foetal ball, these are the times I doubt that I could possibly be on the spectrum. That's why I feel like a fraud and a fake. It can't be. All of the pieces don't fit. 

I don't know what to say. Sorry to hear you're hurting so badly though. You're in my prayers and I hope you feel some peace.

You all have definitely helped though. Thanks.