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Appointment with my local Mental Health Team

Undiagnosed4321

I got a letter through with an appointment to see my local mental health team at the end of February. I haven't been given anything to fill out for depression or anxiety so they can decide if Im worth treating. I actually have an appointment with a clinical psychologist.

Im mostly sure from what was said at my GP's appointment, that this isn't going to be for Autism or anything, this is just going to be an initial chat and examine some things - social anxiety, aspergers maybe, any one of the number of different options.

I've been trying to discuss with people around me some of the things that affect me, and frustratingly, many turn around and say, oh, that's normal - many people are like that.

Really? So normal people bite their nails, pick their nose and eat it, pluck their hair, walk round the block twice because they don't have confidence to go into a venue, find it hard to ask questions, find it difficult in a group, find it difficult to approach people, don't have a girlfriend, still live with parents? That's about 1/100th of everything I've got written down elsewhere. Im not getting into the contents of that.

Parents

  • Things from the past that still haunt me get me like this. I'll be sitting there, when all of a sudden this picture will smack me in the face, the video will start and the whole incident will play out, but instantly. Sounds contradictory, but I don't know how else to describe it. Completely unexpected and unsought, with no connection whatsoever with whatever's going on with me at that moment. I'll completely cringe, it's like being excrutiatingly and instantly shrivelled, horrified, angered, intimidated - in fact, every negative emotion I've ever felt all in one, huge, overwhelming blast. It often leaves me curled in a foetal ball with my hands covering my eyes, trying to scrape the pictures away.

    And they play again, and again, and again. I absolutely refuse to tell anyone what they are - some of them are horrific things that I've done, 'ashamed' doesn't begin to describe how I feel, nor represent my incredulity that I could be capable of such things. I'm terrified of my ability to do such things, and I have previously described some of the process in a post about 'meltdowns'. It's a pity that we can't post the state we're in, I'm hurting badly just writing about it.

    Now that I know the process, and why it happens, I'm no more comfortable than I ever was, but since my diagnosis, I understand myself better. I can't 'forgive' myself yet, I hope I will one day, but neither do they punish me in the same ways that they always did before. I hope it gives me some peace that I'm learning to come to terms with it (way to go yet!), and I'll take it 'cos it's better than I've ever had.

    Please beleve that I understand completely what you're going through. If I could use my experience to make a protective barrier around you so that you don't have the same, I'd do it in an instant. Sadly, I can't wrap protective arms around you, the best I can do is talk with you on here and hope that some of what I'm saying gets through and helps - even the tiniest bit helps, if you let it.

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  • Things from the past that still haunt me get me like this. I'll be sitting there, when all of a sudden this picture will smack me in the face, the video will start and the whole incident will play out, but instantly. Sounds contradictory, but I don't know how else to describe it. Completely unexpected and unsought, with no connection whatsoever with whatever's going on with me at that moment. I'll completely cringe, it's like being excrutiatingly and instantly shrivelled, horrified, angered, intimidated - in fact, every negative emotion I've ever felt all in one, huge, overwhelming blast. It often leaves me curled in a foetal ball with my hands covering my eyes, trying to scrape the pictures away.

    And they play again, and again, and again. I absolutely refuse to tell anyone what they are - some of them are horrific things that I've done, 'ashamed' doesn't begin to describe how I feel, nor represent my incredulity that I could be capable of such things. I'm terrified of my ability to do such things, and I have previously described some of the process in a post about 'meltdowns'. It's a pity that we can't post the state we're in, I'm hurting badly just writing about it.

    Now that I know the process, and why it happens, I'm no more comfortable than I ever was, but since my diagnosis, I understand myself better. I can't 'forgive' myself yet, I hope I will one day, but neither do they punish me in the same ways that they always did before. I hope it gives me some peace that I'm learning to come to terms with it (way to go yet!), and I'll take it 'cos it's better than I've ever had.

    Please beleve that I understand completely what you're going through. If I could use my experience to make a protective barrier around you so that you don't have the same, I'd do it in an instant. Sadly, I can't wrap protective arms around you, the best I can do is talk with you on here and hope that some of what I'm saying gets through and helps - even the tiniest bit helps, if you let it.

Children
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