Just got back home from a work conference which I had been dreading for months. I didn't really have a choice, and convinced myself to go through with it, on the basis that it would help my job security, following a review where I was told if I wanted to progress at work, I need to attend these events.
Now I am back, I wish I had of missed it, as it has turned out worse than I had feared. I think I have offended some colleagues and management. Since my diagnosis, I have found myself being very vocal when I am having a hard time, which usually ends up with me ranting and swearing. While it does let off some steam, I feel very ashamed afterwards. Not good when I have been doing this at work.
The conference was a 4 day trip to France in a holiday resort out in the middle of nowhere. Most of the attendees are people I have not met, and others I have met only on a few occaisions over past five years. We are all expected to approach and speak with people we dont know.
There were activities and big dinner, you are intentionally grouped in with people you do not know or do not work with regularly. The activities were highly competitive, and I was unfortunately teamed with business owner and 2 senior managers. I made a foolish suggestion for one of the activities, and was laughed at by all members, another activity was football based, I told them I can't play, but had to show willingness to participate. The guy I was playing against was really talented, I got slaugtered, and lost the game. Just got very demotivated, and then being excluded from taking part.
All the time doing this we had photographers, taking photos. Even under normal circumstanced I just cant cope with my photo being taken. I usually try and avoid the cameras, or try and blend in with the crowd. We had a big marketing photo shoot, but the cameras were placed at unusual locations, I was depressed and hacked off, and was in centre at front of some of the shots.
The only bit I was looking forward too was the food, but this place has the restaurant from hell. A big hall with seating, and central area with tables of food for buffet. The food was not laid out well, try to build a meal with some items, and you could not find all the items, or had to queue up for different bits, and by the end your meal was cold. There were loads of people just rushing around all directions, people just jumping the queue. I wanted some beef steak, but it was being served rare, too rare for my liking. I noticed a chef was cooking some bits longer and serving it to people cooked. Whenever I turned up to him he would point me to where the other steak which was rare, I just pointed to what I wanted, and he just directed me to the other queue, so just walked away. Frequently I would see other people approach him, and he would just hand out the meat he was cooking. I had a meltdown, and other colleagues asked if I was ok. It took me nearly two hours to finally get the steak.
Another problem with the whole complex was the layout, it was like a maze of corridors, small stairs, spiraling in odd directions, and signs that would lead you to a dead end. After getting my meal, I could not find where all my colleagues were sitting. So in the end, just sat down where I found a place. A bit later, the place I was sitting was close to the exit route, and senior managers were walking past seeing me eat on my own.
We had lots of very boring and tired sales presentations to sit through, but even when we had free time. I seemed to pick the places where the senior managers were hanging out. This has been one of the worst experiences I have ever had.
Has really kicked my depression down another notch or two, and all the hard work I had done to control my diet for the diabetes review in a few weeks time has been destroyed, as I have been eating to help deal with my depression.
I am seriously considering handing my resignation in
