After many years of being told I cannot work, even missing out on the opportunity at 16 to do work experience, I actually have a job. Admittly, it may not be the most glamorous, or well paying job, but it is a job. Saturday's 10pm-3am at a nightclub. Not bad if you ask me, considering I have sleeping diffculties, should be a breeze. One issue. Should I, or should I not tell them I have high functioning autism?
Hello nowhereman
The difficulty isn't 'fear' of relationships, it's the innability to sustain them. It's because of the innability to sustain relationships that we end up with a string of broken ones. When you've amassed enough broken ones, you start living in fear of making new ones because you're already looking forards to when it all goes wrong. It becomes pretty much an expectation.
Since getting my diagnosis, I've shared the information with all of the family that matters to me. The crucial point I put was 'I will seem odd (and probably always have) but I am told that whilst I can't change who I am, with this information you can find resources that will help you to understand me. If you don't bother, I will take that as indicative of how much I mean, or have ever meant, to you, in which case goodbye and have a nice life'.
This attitude of mine has cost me one son, who, with hindsight, I can see is very much the abusive type, and has subjected me to it previously. For some reason, I'm supposed to be bothered about that, but in truth, I couldn't care less. I've had enough abusers in my life and I don't have any vacancies for existing ones, let alone new ones.
Those who do understand include my niece and her little boy, with whom I have a very good relationship. Now that I know what I'm working with, I have modified the way I am with people BUT, I will not apologise for being who I was born to be, and I will not apologise to people who I may inadvertantly upset - which is almost inevitable. It would be like apologising for existing.
Those who are interested enough WILL ask me, the rest, I've decided, don't have to matter to me. Ive realised that I no longer need to waste my time, physical energy, emotional energy or breath on those who WON'T listen, and have a track record for it. Otherwise, my (now fewer) relationships have got stronger simply because we talk about my 'condition' truthfuly, honestly, and with acceptance that I cannot change. Changes are happening to me anyway, and I am 'happier in my own skin' as it were.
So yes in answer to your question, but I think your question is slightly off the point. I identify with what you say, and, I'm guessing, for the same reasons, so I suspect that you are old enough to have a string of damaged and broken relationships. Your family culture doesn't help at all (neither did mine!) so there's no wonder you've become 'gun shy' - I think we all do, and for the same reasons.
So to recap, I've been honest and truthful, left everyone to decide for themselves what they want to do, and accept the results. I understand that I'm 'difficult' but there's no such thing as a relationship that doesn't need effort on both parts, whoever you are, so I've stopped breaking my heart over 'failed' relationships and concentrate my limited resources on keeping those relationships going that the others also make an effort to sustain.
It sounds like isolationism, but actually it's turning out very well. I've got less than a handful of 'close' people, but each one 'gets' it and makes great efforts, and that helps me to do the same. It isn't easy, and I can't say that it will never go wrong, but I'm more hopeful now than I've ever been that just maybe, it's going to be OK. It hurt to lose some people, in the same way that it hurts to pull a bad tooth, but like bad teeth, I have to believe that I'm better off without them.
Hello nowhereman
The difficulty isn't 'fear' of relationships, it's the innability to sustain them. It's because of the innability to sustain relationships that we end up with a string of broken ones. When you've amassed enough broken ones, you start living in fear of making new ones because you're already looking forards to when it all goes wrong. It becomes pretty much an expectation.
Since getting my diagnosis, I've shared the information with all of the family that matters to me. The crucial point I put was 'I will seem odd (and probably always have) but I am told that whilst I can't change who I am, with this information you can find resources that will help you to understand me. If you don't bother, I will take that as indicative of how much I mean, or have ever meant, to you, in which case goodbye and have a nice life'.
This attitude of mine has cost me one son, who, with hindsight, I can see is very much the abusive type, and has subjected me to it previously. For some reason, I'm supposed to be bothered about that, but in truth, I couldn't care less. I've had enough abusers in my life and I don't have any vacancies for existing ones, let alone new ones.
Those who do understand include my niece and her little boy, with whom I have a very good relationship. Now that I know what I'm working with, I have modified the way I am with people BUT, I will not apologise for being who I was born to be, and I will not apologise to people who I may inadvertantly upset - which is almost inevitable. It would be like apologising for existing.
Those who are interested enough WILL ask me, the rest, I've decided, don't have to matter to me. Ive realised that I no longer need to waste my time, physical energy, emotional energy or breath on those who WON'T listen, and have a track record for it. Otherwise, my (now fewer) relationships have got stronger simply because we talk about my 'condition' truthfuly, honestly, and with acceptance that I cannot change. Changes are happening to me anyway, and I am 'happier in my own skin' as it were.
So yes in answer to your question, but I think your question is slightly off the point. I identify with what you say, and, I'm guessing, for the same reasons, so I suspect that you are old enough to have a string of damaged and broken relationships. Your family culture doesn't help at all (neither did mine!) so there's no wonder you've become 'gun shy' - I think we all do, and for the same reasons.
So to recap, I've been honest and truthful, left everyone to decide for themselves what they want to do, and accept the results. I understand that I'm 'difficult' but there's no such thing as a relationship that doesn't need effort on both parts, whoever you are, so I've stopped breaking my heart over 'failed' relationships and concentrate my limited resources on keeping those relationships going that the others also make an effort to sustain.
It sounds like isolationism, but actually it's turning out very well. I've got less than a handful of 'close' people, but each one 'gets' it and makes great efforts, and that helps me to do the same. It isn't easy, and I can't say that it will never go wrong, but I'm more hopeful now than I've ever been that just maybe, it's going to be OK. It hurt to lose some people, in the same way that it hurts to pull a bad tooth, but like bad teeth, I have to believe that I'm better off without them.
