Weighty Relationships?

I have heard of this before, putting on weight in a relationship, but that was only with non autistic people. I just Googled and apparently it's a well know phenomena, due to mirroring your partners eating/portion sizes/frequency, etc. Dinning out more, getting more comfortable with your partner, lots of time sitting watching movies and tv and going out less and feeling secure lowers cortisol. However TheCatWoman, it sounds like you experiance the opposite? It's interesting that you say you feel invaded in some way. I''ve been single for over 20 years and can quite imagine feeling this way too with someone else so emeshed in my life. I've never got those couples that are always touching each other, it would drive me insane!  

Did the study you saw include ND's as many don't or don't say.

I'm a big person with a good appetite and I wouldn't say I eat out or sit about any more or less in a relationship than out of one.

I think I've felt invaded because of the amount of emotional labour that goes into being a woman in a hetrosexual relationship, it's like guys who could manage their social lives and xmas and birthdays suddenly stop being able to do so once a woman enters their lives. Then there's having to increasingly manage their emotional state as the relationship lengthens, it's like I'm having to feel for them and deal with the consequense's of their feelings and give it back to them in a neat package. I've also found with men of my generation, not only do they expect this emotional labour, but they expect to be making all the choices and when I'm presented with options by them and choose the "wrong one", then a massive sulk ensues. I mean why not just ask me if I fancy going to such a such a place rather than make it an empty choice?

TheCatWoman said:

it's like guys who could manage their social lives and xmas and birthdays suddenly stop being able to do so once a woman enters their lives.

I'm in the relatively early stages of a new relationship now (about 1 year in) and am experiencing some of this first hand.

My experience is that when you are single you can do the things you want, when you want and are free to regulate much better, but when there is a ND partner there then they have their own needs, wants and opinions and suddenly what had been a simple thing to manage (eg deciding what to eat on the weekend) becomes a whole discussion about what is nice to do together, what is good for the diet, what to try so we can both have different dishes to try a wider range of the menu, should we drink or not, do we need to worry about having garlic breath the next day, should we invite someone along, where shall we go after and so on.

While before I knew what I like and would almost always order if if I was going out to eat, now there are so many things to think about, so many compromises and so much extra pressure that it seems inevitable that comfort eating will occur.

It isn't just a male thing - I have to do all the planning, organising, logistics and preparation to make it happen, plus have to pay of course.

I still have to do all the things you talk about but incorporate my parters needs and wants into all of it as well, and after almost a year this is starting to get a bit more pushy (this was always the experience in previous long term relationships).

Having a partner willing to take up this slack seems to be the trigger for the ND partner to sit back and let out over active minds take care of everything.

TheCatWoman said:

I was often accused of lacking sponteneity, I pointed out that he could be sponteanious because I was doing all the stuff that needed doing like the shopping, cooking and stuff like that.

I hope you got shot of him in good time.

I get that some women will do it too, I've met a few them, the deliberately helpless. If you're finding this now in a fairly new relationship, then nows the time to push back or bail as it will only get worse. It's one of the problems with being a competant adult, everybody wants you to be competant for them.

My son learned that the best way of never being asked to do things was to do them so badly he's never asked again, I've spent years trying to get him out of this habit.

I remember moving in with a guy, we'd been together 3 years before moving in together and it was like all his expectations changed, we agreed that we wouldn't make big descision about the house without the consent of the other, what I didn't realise was that it extended to window cleaners! The windows were filthy and a window cleaner was doing a neighbours house so I asked him to do ours, my partner went into a full lie down sulk about it. When I talked to him about it, he said people like us didn't use window cleaners we did it ourselves, I pointed out to him that not only were they filthy but neither of us like heights and wouldn't climb ladders. He told me that I had to work a whole hour to pay the window cleaner, I said I thought it was OK, a fair exchange, but we never had the window cleaner back. I got to decide less and less but was expected to be responsible for everything. He even decided how my allotment was laid out, he did it whilst I was at work, I was sort of grateful, but sort of not too as he didn't want an allotment, didn't think I should have one but then took it over.

A lot of the time I feel as though, I'm expected to do all the traditional roles of a woman, whilst also working full time and doing DIY, whilst he sits there complaining and watching the cricket.

I was often accused of lacking sponteneity, I pointed out that he could be sponteanious because I was doing all the stuff that needed doing like the shopping, cooking and stuff like that. My time had to be highly organised, I was working two jobs and studying, but he took one of those jobs, hairdressing, as a sort social hobby thing, not as a job, and the day I came home having earned more in an hour than he had as a computer programmer he went mental and then did everything he could to stop me from ever being able to do so again.

I get that some women will do it too, I've met a few them, the deliberately helpless. If you're finding this now in a fairly new relationship, then nows the time to push back or bail as it will only get worse. It's one of the problems with being a competant adult, everybody wants you to be competant for them.

My son learned that the best way of never being asked to do things was to do them so badly he's never asked again, I've spent years trying to get him out of this habit.

I remember moving in with a guy, we'd been together 3 years before moving in together and it was like all his expectations changed, we agreed that we wouldn't make big descision about the house without the consent of the other, what I didn't realise was that it extended to window cleaners! The windows were filthy and a window cleaner was doing a neighbours house so I asked him to do ours, my partner went into a full lie down sulk about it. When I talked to him about it, he said people like us didn't use window cleaners we did it ourselves, I pointed out to him that not only were they filthy but neither of us like heights and wouldn't climb ladders. He told me that I had to work a whole hour to pay the window cleaner, I said I thought it was OK, a fair exchange, but we never had the window cleaner back. I got to decide less and less but was expected to be responsible for everything. He even decided how my allotment was laid out, he did it whilst I was at work, I was sort of grateful, but sort of not too as he didn't want an allotment, didn't think I should have one but then took it over.

A lot of the time I feel as though, I'm expected to do all the traditional roles of a woman, whilst also working full time and doing DIY, whilst he sits there complaining and watching the cricket.

I was often accused of lacking sponteneity, I pointed out that he could be sponteanious because I was doing all the stuff that needed doing like the shopping, cooking and stuff like that. My time had to be highly organised, I was working two jobs and studying, but he took one of those jobs, hairdressing, as a sort social hobby thing, not as a job, and the day I came home having earned more in an hour than he had as a computer programmer he went mental and then did everything he could to stop me from ever being able to do so again.

TheCatWoman said:

I was often accused of lacking sponteneity, I pointed out that he could be sponteanious because I was doing all the stuff that needed doing like the shopping, cooking and stuff like that.

I hope you got shot of him in good time.